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#9967 - 01/11/11 04:27 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2203
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Off topic, but at this very moment, 49 out of 50 US states feature snow. Care to guess which state is currently snow-free?
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9987 - 01/12/11 04:10 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty
49 out of 50 US states feature snow. Care to guess which state is currently snow-free?

Yes, I would like to guess. My guess is Minnesota.

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#9989 - 01/12/11 04:26 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2203
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Braaaaaaaaak!

Come to think of it, no snow in Minnesota, it's all ice...
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9991 - 01/12/11 04:32 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Mike Condron Offline


Registered: 11/05/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Now Manteca, CA
It's actually Florida.
_________________________
Mike

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#9993 - 01/12/11 04:50 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Mike Condron]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2203
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Bingo! Moving on from ice & snow...

Attending a wedding for the first time, Little Susie whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

Little Susie thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#10044 - 01/14/11 02:23 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2203
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A U.S. Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain: Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation.
They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.

One last point: No Jews please."

8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#10071 - 01/16/11 02:00 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2203
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
This is a true story. So just bear with me.

At the time this occurred, I was dating a young lady who worked in the PX department at Loma Linda Hospital in Southern California.

This is what she told me. If you don't know what a PX is, then you need to know that a row of young ladies sat in front of an array of phone plugs, took calls & routed them to the requested department>person by patching cords from plug to plug. Tip and ring technology.

The YLs were monitored by a particularly nasty old battleaxe supervisor. Nowadays, computers do the work, but the battleaxes are still with us.

Incidentally, Loma Linda Hospital has become ground zero for snake bite treatment in the Western United States.

Anyhow, back to the story. At the time there were three specialist Doctor Smiths accredited at the hospital. An obstetrician, an orthopedist and a pharmacological researcher. A caller asked for Doctor Smith, and the YL asked "Which Doctor Smith?"

The old battleaxe went ballistic - "This is a modern medical facility. We treat patients with the most advanced, scientific, medical care in the world!" "We don't have witch doctors!!!!!" "Never, ever, ever, say witch doctor, or you will be instantly dismissed!"

The lesson sunk in.

So, not much later, a call came in asking for Doctor Smith. The battleaxe hovered.

"Would that be the baby doctor?", the terrified YL asked. "OK, then would it be the bone doctor?". "Oh", she said, relaxing a little, "You must want the medicine man".

Esther, dear, I hope that the intervening decades went well for you.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#10072 - 01/16/11 06:05 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

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#10073 - 01/16/11 06:11 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
I had a patient come in with severe low back pain. I asked him how he hurt his back.
He said "I was golfing with my wife Ethel yesterday and she had a heart attact on the first hole."
I asked "how did you hurt your back?"
He said "You know how it is. I hit the ball and dragged Ethel. Hit the ball and drag Ethel."

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#10081 - 01/17/11 07:24 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2203
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
On his 86th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation.The medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, all the time wondering what was to come.

The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, which he handed to the 74 year-old.

With a grip on his shoulder, the medicine man warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want."

The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded."But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if the potion worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition - or one will end up with a dangling participle!
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#10083 - 01/17/11 09:02 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Mike Condron Offline


Registered: 11/05/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Now Manteca, CA
'm going to let someone else point it out.
_________________________
Mike

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#10084 - 01/17/11 10:25 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition - or one will end up with a dangling participle!

As long as I live, I don't think I'll ever forget that rule of grammar again. All teachers should use this example starting in Junior High.

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#10085 - 01/17/11 10:27 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Mike Condron]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty
Church Ladies With typewriters . .. .



They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:






The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM .. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM .. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------

Donuts will be served after mass in the church basement followed by blood pressure checks.

--------------------------------


The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.



Edited by lynn-a-roo (01/17/11 10:29 AM)

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#10086 - 01/17/11 11:41 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2203
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Scroll down the blog to Headline Lacks Precision?.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#10090 - 01/17/11 04:39 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty
Re: Headline Lacks Precision?

Wagga,

Loved it, good catch(es) on Mr. Wallace's part.

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#10098 - 01/18/11 09:03 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2203
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Little Tommy came home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Tommy seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Tommy about this." Tommy's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, "First, Tommy, I want you to take off my blouse..." Little Tommy unbuttoned her blouse and took it off. She continued, "Now take off my skirt..." He removed her skirt. "Take off my bra..." which he did. "And now, Tommy, please take off my panties." When Tommy had finished removing his mother's panties, she said, "Tommy, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#10119 - 01/19/11 03:31 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty


Edited by lynn-a-roo (01/19/11 03:32 PM)

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#10123 - 01/19/11 04:09 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2203
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
I think I was (briefly) married to that bear. Only difference was that she wouldn't swat her own cubs.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#10230 - 01/23/11 03:51 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2203
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair!!!.'
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#10257 - 01/24/11 04:06 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.......good one, wagga.

I searched high and low to make sure "The Cat" is new to this thread, so here it is:

The Cat

Last Saturday night we were dressed and ready to go out to a party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

Because we knew we would be having a few drinks we phoned a cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we
opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door the cat we had put out in the yard scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon - ' He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said as we drove away.
'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.

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