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#10286 - 01/25/11 08:48 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2212
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#10363 - 01/26/11 05:18 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish..
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. -
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
awakened the kids,
set out their school clothes,
fed them breakfast,
packed their lunches,
drove them to school,
came home and
picked up the dry cleaning,
took it to the cleaners and
went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries,
paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds,
do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and
Mop the kitchen floor.
got into an argument with them on the way home.
got the kids organized to do their homework,
then set up the ironing board and
watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and
washing vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops and
snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen,
ran the dishwasher,
folded laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished,
he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to
get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
-"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my
wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! oh! please, let us
trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to
change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine
months though. You got pregnant last night."

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#10407 - 01/27/11 04:40 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Soon, Our Homeland Security Color-Coded Warning System Will Cease to Exist....following are some of the recent International Responses to Terrorist Threats:


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide" The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing" Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are groping grannies (and Barney) and carrying out pre-emptive strikes on everyone "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels, we have our friends to the south, so we don't worry.

In a similar vein, New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Finally, Australia has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and "The Barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

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#10408 - 01/27/11 04:46 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Bulldog34 Offline


Registered: 11/12/09
Posts: 1254
Loc: Atlanta
I swear to God, I have tears runnings down my cheeks . . .

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#10416 - 01/27/11 08:36 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Bulldog34]
SoCalGirl Online


Registered: 12/06/09
Posts: 225
Loc: Spring Valley, CA
Lynn.. I think thats the best one yet... thats freakin' hilarious!

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#10449 - 01/28/11 04:46 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: SoCalGirl]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go and choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 -
These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 -
These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 -
These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 -
These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 -
These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous,Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 -
You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges,the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.


Edited by lynn-a-roo (01/28/11 04:47 PM)

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#10453 - 01/28/11 06:31 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7233
Loc: Fresno, CA
Very good one, Lynn-a-roo! grin

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#10457 - 01/29/11 12:35 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2212
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
The teacher left her aide in the classroom to distribute the examination materials to the graduating class of the all-male private school. Her final instructions were "Be sure to *hand* everything out very carefully and deliberately." The aide puzzled over this for a moment, but couldn't understand it.

He began giving out the papers, but due to his inexperience found himself only a quarter done with just a few minutes left until the exam was due to start. Desperate, he gathered up the rest of the sheets and began to throw them across the room, yelling "Catch!" to each student as he did so. At first it was kind of a playful game, but soon he noticed that even the students not involved in the sport were beginning to breath heavier. As the panting turned into grunting, he began to be a little nervous and backed toward the door, staring from side to side as the behavior became more and more -- the only word he could think of -- primitive.

As he reached the bottom of the pile of papers and pitched it to the last student, the room erupted with howling and growling. He was certain he could see the students physically transforming before his eyes. With a shout of fright he turned and ran as quickly as he could to the teachers' lounge.

The teacher took one look at him and leaped to her feet. Startled, he put a hand to his face and, with a shock, felt a heavy growth of beard that certainly hadn't been there that morning.

Without a word, the teacher rushed from the room, grabbing her aide's wrist on the way by. Frantically, they sprinted back to the classroom. As they rounded the corner, they saw that they were too late. The door had been torn from its hinges and they glimpsed the hairy back of the missing-link-like creature that, until mere minutes before, had been a student with at least a veneer of civilization. They entered the classroom side by side and stopped dead, as though choreographed. The destruction was complete: desks smashed into fragments, blackboards cracked, shredded sheets of the exam everywhere.

She said nothing, but the teacher's eyes were full of reproach.

"But why did it happen?" asked the bewildered assistant.

"You idiot, Don't you know what happens to men when they get too much test tossed around?"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#10471 - 01/30/11 10:35 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
O x y m o r o n s



1. Is it good if
a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand
On the watch
Called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled
In the dictionary,
How would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary,
Where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and
"slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance"
Mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing
"Take me out to the ball game"
When we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands"
When they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark"
When it really is "after light"?

12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"
Make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a "wise man" and
A "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee"
Mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics"
Not spelled
The way it sounds?

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#10493 - 01/31/11 09:26 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Drunk
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and I'd hate to look like a fool!
7. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

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#10508 - 01/31/11 03:27 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Oxymorons & THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK

LOL, Rod, you had my brain deep in serious thought with your Oxymorons and then you laid the things difficult to say when drunk on me and had me cracking up at my desk in the office, I nearly fell out of my chair. What a great way to end the day at the office.

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#10511 - 01/31/11 05:00 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2212
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
This silly joke can be as sexist or racist or anti-religious or political or politically correct as you want.
You decide.


1) W=woman/X=man/Y=Pink Duck/Z=God
2) W=Irishman/X=Polack/Y=Bushmills/Z=God
3) W=arab/X=jew/Y=alcohol/Z=Allah
4) W=redneck/X=accountant/Y=moonshine/Z=God
5) W=Australian/X=Kiwi/Y=Penfold's Grange/Z=the barbie
6) W=rabbi/X=priest/Y=Mogen David/Z=God
7) W=Democrat/X=Republican/Y=Coors/Z=the Lobby
8) W=person/X='nother person/Y=booze/Z=Some Power

Substitute values to your heart's content... Or fantasize. Or whatever.

A <W> and a <X> get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the <W> says,"So you're a <X>, that's interesting. I'm a <W>... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left,but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from <Z> that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The <X> replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from <Z>!". The <W> continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of <Y> didn't break. Surely <Z> wants us to drink this bottle of <Y> and celebrate our good fortune."

The <W> hands the bottle of <Y> to the <X>. The <X> shakes the head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the <W>. The <W> takes the bottle of <Y>, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the <X>.

The <X> asks, "Aren't you having any?". The <W> replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#10515 - 01/31/11 06:28 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
SoCalGirl Online


Registered: 12/06/09
Posts: 225
Loc: Spring Valley, CA
OH thats HILARIOUS!!!!! I'm going to steal this and send it to a couple of people I know who'll get a kick outta it... mostly my cop boyfriend!!!

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#10518 - 01/31/11 10:03 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: SoCalGirl]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7233
Loc: Fresno, CA
Bee's cartoon of the day:

From The Duplex by Glenn McCoy January 31, 2011


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#10528 - 02/01/11 08:11 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: SoCalGirl]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2212
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Remember Rod's joke?

Quote:
A man goes to prison and on his 1st day he hears an inmate yell out "Number 3" and everyone laughed.


9) W=Russian/X=Chechen/Y=Vodka/Z=the state
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#10582 - 02/02/11 04:31 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Month of Valentines Day Silly Joke

Candy Love
Four-year-old Sam loved candy almost as much as his mom Sally did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. A few days later Sam was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Sally said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?"
"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."

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#10608 - 02/03/11 01:47 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2212
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#10615 - 02/03/11 04:30 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
I NO COME WOK TODAY!'

Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that. Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'.

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#10662 - 02/06/11 11:40 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2212
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
An 85 year old man was requested by the doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said ''Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.''

The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctors office and gave him the jar,which was as clean and empty as the previous day, the doctor asked what happened and the man explained.

''Well doc, it's like this, first I tried with my right hand but nothing, then I tried with my left, but still nothing, then I asked my wife for help, she tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing''.

The doctor was shocked! ''You asked your neighbor?''

The old man replied, ''Yep, none of us could get the jar open''.

Now get your minds out of the gutter.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#10667 - 02/06/11 06:36 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Apparently the American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health care package.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it but the Neurologists
thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a
misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled; "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians
said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was
madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons
said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists
were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

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