Mt Whitney Webcam
Mt Williamson Webcam
Feature Topics
Who's Online
1 registered (WanderingJim), 7 Guests and 60 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
3270 Members
13 Forums
5341 Topics
49597 Posts

Max Online: 382 @ 11/07/12 05:45 AM
Page 28 of 41 < 1 2 ... 26 27 28 29 30 ... 40 41 >
Topic Options
#25843 - 07/10/12 06:28 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: + @ti2d]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
saltydog and + @ti2d were walking home from the local tavern in Lone Pine.

saltydog says to + @ti2d , 'What a beautiful night, look at the moon.'

+ @ti2d stops and looks at saltydog , 'You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun.'

Both started arguing for a while when they come upon a real drunk Wagga walking in the other direction towards the tavern for an IPA, so they stopped him.

'Wagga, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?' Wagga looked at the sky and then looked at them, and said, 'Sorry, I don't live around here.'



When is the moon not hungry..? When its full !



Top
#25881 - 07/11/12 07:26 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty

AlanK's 2nd Amendment Ooops reminded me of a silly joke....

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, "Someone might steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then management said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people; one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.

Then management said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then management said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper and a payroll officer; then hired two more people.

Then management said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people; an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then management said, "We've had this command in operation for one year now and we're $18,000 over budget. We have to cutback on overall costs."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Oops, back at square 1.



Top
#26174 - 07/24/12 05:06 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Pregnant on the bus


ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
What he had to say for himself.

The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
And sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'



Top
#26204 - 07/25/12 07:26 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Yippee, it's Olympics time again. I love the Olympics. Wouldn't it be nice if there was an event in the Olympics just like what Whitney Zoner's love to do in their free time like mountaineering, scaling the side of a cliff....that would be awesome!!! Hey, this thought reminds me of a silly joke...............

The Olympic Diving Champion

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool!
She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Alabama and I worked both sides of the Tennessee River."


Top
#26298 - 07/28/12 01:53 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2212
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as His father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

Top
#26466 - 08/02/12 06:23 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Will and Guy's London 2012 Olympic Jokes

· The President of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the upcoming London Olympic Games.
He told us, 'Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.'

· At the Olympic Games, Rhoda meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick.
'Excuse me,' says Rhoda to the man. 'Are you a pole vaulter?'
'No,"' says the man, 'I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?'

· Apparently the maid I hired to clean my house while I was watching the London Olympics was only second best.
She just walked off with the silver.

· Why isn't "sun tanning" an Olympic sport at London 2012? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.

· Pete Jones turned up for the Olympics with some barbed wire under his arm, and came third in the fencing.

· Olympic Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

· Olympic Football commentator: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

· Olympic Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.

· The Olympics motto is "Citius, Altius, Fortius," which, of course, is Greek for, "Go for the gold, but also try to keep your bones organized."

· I could have been a great hockey player except for one thing: I kept falling down.

· Where did some of these Winter Olympics events come from? Like the luge. How is sliding down a mountain on a cafeteria tray a sport?

Top
#26590 - 08/06/12 05:10 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Did you hear, the US landed a Mars rover named Curiosity in Gale Crater on Planet Mars last night. The total cost of the project is about US$2.5 billion.....such a deal....cheap at double the price.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.


Top
#26715 - 08/08/12 07:11 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
NASA Experiment


A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?" After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet." They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.


Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.


Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun." The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?" The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"



Top
#26762 - 08/09/12 05:42 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
The Curiosity Thread is a SCREAM!!!, AlanK and Wagga crack me up...and who would have thunk we'd discover that Martians Are Animal Lovers Too


A girl was visiting her martian friend, who had acquired two new dogs,and asked her what their names were. The martian responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.


Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"


"Hellooooooooo......," answered the martian. "They're watch dogs"




Top
#26769 - 08/09/12 06:21 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2212
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
In that case, you really don't want to know how my cats got their names...
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

Top
#27095 - 08/20/12 04:18 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2212
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Special request from Steve C, I told it to him on the Yosemite trip last weekend...

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

Top
#27201 - 08/24/12 01:10 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have as is shown in the story about Ralph and Edna.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.


He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.


Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Nursing Director became aware of Edna's heroic act,
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital,
as she now considered her to be mentally stable.



When she went to tell Edna the news, she said,
'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged,
since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis
by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love...
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.


The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'



Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..


How soon can I go home??'

Top
#27209 - 08/24/12 04:10 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2212
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. This wisdom was contributed by Lowrie B.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

Top
#27683 - 09/12/12 02:12 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2212
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

Top
#27746 - 09/14/12 12:30 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7233
Loc: Fresno, CA

Top
#27807 - 09/17/12 04:49 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Steve C]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty

DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!

Three women died together in an accident
And went to heaven.

When they got there, St. Peter said,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they entered heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they tried their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally stepped on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day,the second woman stepped accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter,
Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months
Without stepping on any ducks,
But
One day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.


St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,
'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on a
Duck.







Top
#28027 - 09/25/12 05:35 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2212
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.

So they stopped.



George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ...

"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper! George said "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting there Sugar Shorts, you could be famous if you rode with me."

"Why are you committing suicide?."

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

Top
#28366 - 10/08/12 07:35 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2212
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A wife was arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought he home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

"She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked: 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?""

From Lowrie Beacham via Tarzan's Tripes Forever.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

Top
#28519 - 10/15/12 12:45 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2212
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A gas station in Mississippi (could be WV) was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up. Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.

A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time.

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.

Bubba replied, "Naw, it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged my wife won twice last week.

From Mel Lett via Tarzan's Tripes Forever.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

Top
#28651 - 10/22/12 09:25 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Did you know that when fish go to school they have to take debate.

Top
Page 28 of 41 < 1 2 ... 26 27 28 29 30 ... 40 41 >