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#9014 - 11/07/10 09:21 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
At my house there is a shallow alcove in the back patio which the local outdoor cats use for marking the fact that they passed through in the night.
When I let my cats out in the early morning, their first order of business is running to see who sniffs pissing in the bight.
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9023 - 11/07/10 12:32 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Not all of this stuff is my fault: Here and here. Today only.
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9050 - 11/08/10 08:38 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7235
Loc: Fresno, CA
...who sniffs pissing in the bight

Wagga, I Googled that phrase, and Google came back with one and only one reference.... It stands alone, here on WhitneyZone. So I want to know: Is that an original?

Ya, I know it's a stretch to match it with "two ships passing in the night", but it ain't bad.

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#9051 - 11/09/10 01:38 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Steve C]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Yup, it's home-groan.
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9061 - 11/09/10 06:15 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
wagga, I'm so glad to hear you're a kitty lover, me too, I have two rescue kitties and three maltese.

Yippee, It's Turkey Time......which reminds me of a silly joke......



It was just before Thanksgiving in Walmart and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

'No, madam, 'he replied, 'they're all dead.'


Edited by lynn-a-roo (11/09/10 06:15 PM)

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#9063 - 11/09/10 06:38 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Maltese kittehs? Some kind of a cross?
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9113 - 11/13/10 11:05 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
One day a hunter was walking through the woods and he spotted an Indian Chief being chased by a grizzly bear. So the hunter pulled out his trusty rifle and shot the bear thus saving the Indian Chief's life.

The Chief invited the hunter back to his camp to throw him one heck of a bash for saving his life. There was plenty of food. Indians were dancing all over the place with happiness. They were smoking the peace pipe when the Indian Chief said to the hunter, "I have a very special surprise for you. I've picked 500 of my prettiest Indian maidens. You look at all of them and chose one, she will be your wife."

With this the Indian Chief clapped his hands and out of several teepees emerged young beautiful Indian maidens. They walked in front of the hunter so he could get a better view of them. The hunter noticed that all of the maidens were topless. And with closer inspection, noticed that none had any nipples on their breasts.

He turned to the Chief and asked why didn't any of his maidens have nipples on their breasts.

The Chief replied, "What, you've never heard of the Indian Nipple-less 500?"
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9114 - 11/13/10 07:09 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
Mike Condron Offline


Registered: 11/05/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Now Manteca, CA
I'll say it again, we need a second amendment solution to this Wagga guy.
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Mike

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#9116 - 11/14/10 01:29 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Mike Condron]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
MRCondron and wagga were hunting one day and all of a sudden wagga keels over, out like a light.

MRCondron, not knowing what to do quickly calls 911. When the operator asks "what's wrong?", He says "I don't know we were just walking along and wagga just falls over.

The operator asks "Is he dead?" and MRCondron says "I don't know that either".

The operator says "well you need to make sure!"

Then MRCondron says okay and lays the phone down.

A few seconds pass and then the operator hears "cha click, boom!"

MRCondron comes back on the line and asks "Now What?"
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9117 - 11/14/10 09:34 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Wagga, ha,ha,...three Maltese dogs and two Calico kittens we rescued. Now for a Thanksgiving poem.


Thanksgiving Ghost


The last piece of apple pie is gone;
How did it disappear?
The bowl of delicious stuffing
Has also vanished, I fear.


It happens each Thanksgiving,
When leftover goodies flee,
And each of us knows the responsible one
Couldn't be you or me.


The only way it could happen
Is readily diagnosed;
It must be the crafty, incredibly sneaky,
Still hungry Thanksgiving ghost.


By Karl Fuchs

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#9143 - 11/16/10 08:36 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7235
Loc: Fresno, CA
Lynn-a-roo suggested this video for wagga:



Actually, herding cats was something wagga did almost every weekend a few years back ...on trails all over the west-side Sierra.

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#9152 - 11/17/10 01:22 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Steve C]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
That is so good, I never saw it before. Thanks, Lynn.
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9168 - 11/18/10 01:10 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
I do both.



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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9169 - 11/18/10 03:46 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
wagga,

You are amazing in how you can come up with the most appropriate "stuff" on the spur of the moment, either that or you're an artist and drew-up this cartoon. Very funny....I guess you were once a "Cat-Herder" just like Steve C. said.

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#9170 - 11/18/10 04:18 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
This is Radar. The Stealth Cat. He has a trick. I keep a stepladder in the living room. When I ask him if he wants a treat, he zooms up the ladder & waits (not so patiently) for a treat.



Edited by Bee (11/18/10 04:32 PM)
Edit Reason: Fix photo link. select "actions"-photosize-rt click properties-[img]properties[/img]-display photo
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9182 - 11/19/10 03:22 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Radar is beautiful, I love his eyes. He looks like a bobcat, what a gorgeous kitty, love the ladder/treat story.

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Happy Thanksgiving


Edited by lynn-a-roo (11/19/10 03:22 PM)

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#9186 - 11/19/10 04:35 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
This is an Irish joke. If it offends you, please speak up & I'll post the Swedish version. PS: I'm half Irish.

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two blokes pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"

AND STILL MORE

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding"

AND THEN

Paddy's sister, Bridget, walks up with a parasol.


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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9209 - 11/22/10 09:16 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A guy walks into a restaurant with an emu and orders fish and chips and a root beer. Emu says I'll have the same thing. When the waitress brings the bill she says that'll be 18.79. Guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out EXACTLY 18.79 AND 2.82 tip for the waitress. WOW she thinks...

Next day here comes the guy with the emu right behind him. Orders a slice of apple pie, ice cream and some milk to wash it down with. Emu orders the same thing. Waitress brings the bill, says that'll be 8.50. Guy reaches into is pocket and pulls out 8.50 PLUS 1.28 tip for the waitress. Waitress is really impressed now so she says how do you do that?
Guys says well, I was walking on the beach one day and found a lamp and a genie came out of it and told me I could have TWO wishes. Now I thought about asking for 10 MILLION dollars, but I got to thinking that sooner or later I'd run out of money. So I asked the genie if anytime I needed money I could put my hand in my pocket and the exact amount I needed would be there.
THAT is SO COOL says the waitress, because you'll never run out of money and you don't have to carry any money and you'll never get robbed and you can get anything you want!
But what's with the EMU?

Oh, says the guy rolling his eyes. My second wish....
What was that says the waitress?
I asked the genie for a tall chick with long legs who'd always agree with me.
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9225 - 11/23/10 03:39 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
"Thanksgiving Night"
T'was the night of Thanksgiving
But I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards.
I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door,
And gazed in the fridge, full of goodies galore,
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Until all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky,
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees,
"Happy eating to all, pass the cranberries, please.
May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious, may your pies take the prize,
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs."
Anonymous.


Edited by lynn-a-roo (11/23/10 03:42 PM)

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#9226 - 11/23/10 04:05 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged turkey running down the road. He was amused enough to drive alongside it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the turkey was running 30 mph.

Pretty fast turkey, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the turkey did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph!

The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the turkey was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!

Suddenly the turkey turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the turkey to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three legged turkeys. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged turkeys?"

The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my daughter living here and we all like to eat the turkey leg. Since a turkey only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."

"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"

"Don't rightly know, I ain't caught one yet!"
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