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#11002 - 02/20/11 03:40 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2212
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Originally Posted By: wagga
Comedian and writer Barry Cryer recalls the story of the tap-dancing duck act in which every night a world-weary mallard performed on a cake tin - until one night when the duck just stood there cleaning its feathers.

"What happened?" said the theater manager. The duck's trainer shrugged: "The candle went out."

I forgot to mention that on the very same night, the theater manager had to announce that the "Human Chameleon" act was canceled because the Human Chameleon had crawled across a tartan (plaid) carpet and was suffering from extreme exhaustion.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#11111 - 02/25/11 11:09 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Whitney Fan]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
I knew the answer to your "challenge" even before I read Wagga's clue below it, Lynn.

Okay, Whitney Fan, let's see if you can give me the punchline to this silly joke......

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are watching a horde of Indian braves bear down on them in full battle fury. "Looks like we're in trouble, Tonto," says the Lone Ranger to his pal. "What you mean 'we,' white man?," Tonto responds.

Fearing for his life, the Lone Ranger shouts to his horse, "Hi-yo, Silver! Away!"

But the Lone Ranger didn't get far before he was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. The woman enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse. Alone!"

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears looks him square in the eyes and says, "Listen carefully. For the last time, I said ..._____________! (fill in the blank)

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#11113 - 02/25/11 12:21 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Mike Condron Offline


Registered: 11/05/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Now Manteca, CA
Bring posse!
_________________________
Mike

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#11115 - 02/25/11 12:25 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2212
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Silver was possessed!
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#11118 - 02/25/11 03:47 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Whitney Fan Offline


Registered: 12/02/09
Posts: 213
Loc: Las Vegas
Mike has the correct answer. I didn't know it, but Googled the answer.

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#11119 - 02/25/11 03:57 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Whitney Fan]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2212
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A Babylonian general was declared a traitor for leading a revolt. He escaped the night before he was to be executed and hid in an old Babylonian ziggurat, or temple, where he expected to find some of his associates. Not finding them, he began to burn the papers they had left and was immediately recaptured.

Moral of the story: The searchin' general has determined that smoking ziggurats are hazardous to your stealth.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#11173 - 02/27/11 02:36 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
A Doctor, a Minister and an Engineer were playing golf. They are continually held up by the group ahead of them. In frustration they turn to the Club Pro. He tells them that the group playing so slowly are blind firemen. They saved the Club House from total destruction in a horrendous fire, and lost their eye sight. The Club felt such a debt of gratitude that it allows them to play whenever they want. The Doctor says, "I think that perhaps I could find an eye surgeon who could restore their sight. That would speed up play". The Minister says, "I'll pray to God for a miracle to restore their sight so play can speed up". The Engineer says, "Why don't you have them play at night ?"!

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#11174 - 02/27/11 02:44 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Slight variation.

Tiger Woods was talking with Stevie Wonder and Stevie told Tiger "we should go golf together sometime".
Tiger replied "I didn't know you golfed."
Stevie says "Yeah I am really good Club Champion at Riviera and I can beat you."
Tiger "Would you like to put a little money on that?"
Stevie " Sure how about a $1,000 a hole ?"
Tiger "Your on, where and when do you want to play?"
Stevie " Riviera this Wednesday at midnight."

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#11176 - 02/27/11 03:20 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2212
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
There was this nun named Sister Mary, who though she tried and tried, could never please the Mother Superior. One day she comes up with an idea: Since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up.

She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. In the process, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit.

Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace. Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, "Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!"

Sister Mary, crying, asks, "But Mother Superior, aren't you happy that the abbey is warm?"

To which the Mother Superior replies, "Yes, but when you ax, then shall ye re-sleeve."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#11194 - 02/28/11 08:38 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

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Can you cry under water?

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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

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Why do you have to "put your two cents in" ... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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What disease did cured ham actually have? and can it have a relapse on my plate?

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

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If Wile I. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

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#11199 - 02/28/11 03:30 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2212
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#11212 - 03/01/11 07:40 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
BUBBA AND BILLY BOB


Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta , and they see a
sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each,
trousers $2.50 each. "


Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, look here! We could buy a whole gob of
these, take 'em back to Little Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a
fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent,
they might think we're ignorant and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now,
I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from South Carolina."


They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of
them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs
of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."


The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Carolina , ain't ya?"


"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"


"Because this is a dry cleaners"

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#11215 - 03/01/11 10:45 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Rod and Wagga,

I don't know which joke made me laugh harder, the silly three pennies or the Bubba and Billy Bob joke. I'm on my lunch break at work and your jokes were my dessert. Thanks.

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#11219 - 03/01/11 12:46 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7233
Loc: Fresno, CA
Those two jokers are posting some good ones these days. Thanks Rod and Wagga!

Almost 26k views, pretty impressive. It may outrun Jessica eventually.

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#11260 - 03/02/11 03:39 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Steve C]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Steve you now have me inspired. I will step up my efforts.

THOUGHT for the day:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS



Edited by Rod (03/02/11 08:18 PM)

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#11268 - 03/02/11 08:22 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. I hope you enjoy these!



I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather-- not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't..

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of a pool and throw them fish.

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#11273 - 03/03/11 05:18 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2212
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
There was a priests' retreat at some retreat house and during the course of it the retreat master asked them to break up into groups of three. They were then to share their deepest darkest secrets, things they had never shared with anyone else ever.

The Dominican priest after much hemming and hawing said that he was an alcoholic. He had been so ashamed to tell anyone before. He drank all the time and just couldn't kick the problem. He was so glad that in the sacredness of this small group he could share this and now he felt so good, so free.

The Franciscan priest hesitated, but finally said he thought he could trust the other two and that his problem was gambling. He had been unable to control his urge to go to bet way beyond his means. He was also very ashamed of his habit and was so grateful that he could finally share it in such a context with his fellow priest.

It was the Jesuit's turn. He told the other two that he was grateful for their openness and honesty. He said he was so ashamed of his own problem. He had been working on it for years but hadn't yet gotten a handle on it. He had tried hypnosis and therapy, but nothing, he said, had helped him overcome his compulsion to gossip.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#11321 - 03/04/11 09:51 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
A Priest and a Rabbi were in a deep discusion about life, and when life begins.
The Priest said "Life begins at conception."
The Rabbi pauses puts his hand on his chin and says "Life begins when the kids move out and the dog dies."

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#11322 - 03/04/11 09:51 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, living in Fort Myers , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

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#11323 - 03/04/11 09:58 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
The Professions
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage.
"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and ask, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $60,000 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,500,000) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic . . ."Try doing it with the engine running."

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