Mt Whitney Zone Forums The Chat Room Where Are the Silly Jokes?

Amusing Christmas Turkey Story
Sarah new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, 'Richard doesn't appreciate what I do for him.'

'Now, now,' her mother comforted, 'I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.'

'No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price.'

'Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate,' says her mum. 'Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.'

'No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey. It was the aeroplane ticket.' "Aeroplane ticket...." What did you need an airplane ticket for?'

'Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said: "Prepare from a frozen state," so I flew to Alaska.'

Rod, those are funny! Thanks. Many of them made me laugh. ...I know, simple mind.

I like them because they're safe for kids, too.

Laughter is good.Very therapeutic.As they say Laughter is the best medicine. BTW All is good.

Kids read these silly jokes?

"Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks."

Kids read these silly jokes?
Wagga, that's a silly question, aren't you just a big kid!



HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

Fair warning, I know all of the elephant jokes. And all of the Little Tommy jokes. And all of the sheep jokes. And all of the llama jokes. The latter three of which are certainly not suitable for kids. We'll get down on fruitcake later...

Slaughterhouse Christmas Special

I could feel my arteries clogging up as I watched!

Merry Christmas!

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles". So, she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles". So, she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles". So, the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles".

The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"

Okay, so when does the co-pay part come in here, wagga?

It turned out that the load of shingles were exactly what the doctor ordered, so, in the end it was all copacetic.

Good thing Bubba didn't say, "Hair piece."

DID I SAY THAT?!


Hv Fn.

I don't wig your reply. Things just worked out that way, it was just hair piece stance.

Justin Broadbent-Johnston the Third was in his doctor's waiting room. He had waited for almost two whole minutes, and was begining to become irritated. After all, he has paid atrociously high fees to the medical group for many years, and as a very highly paid corporate Chairman, he values his time accordingly.

Just then a vision passed through the office! A short lady with freckles, dimples, lubricous curves and a neverending mane of brilliantly vibrant, thick red hair glided though, wearing a white coat!

Seconds later, in his doctor's office, Justin asked his doctor for her name. Her name is Cynthia Nyes, his doctor said, she's recently separated from Lord Stitts, and she has just joined our group as a specialist, and is half your age. So Justin, having just ditched his fourth wife, said "I'd give anything to meet her". Well, the doc stated, we have some blood tests from you that indicate that you need to consult with her in her specialty. Friday next week at 10:30 am. Can you do that? Oh yes! Oh yes! Oh yes!

So Justin, comprehensively blind to the medical situation, stands in front of the mirror at home. He's not all that tall, but Cynthia is short, and he has some eelskin cowboy boots with elevated heels. Not a problem. He's actually fairly handsome, but a little pale from living indoors. That can be fixed, he thinks, do the tanning bed thing for an hour. So he has his assistant make an appointment. Teeth - just perfect. On to his hair, which is pale blonde, noticeably thinned. Really thinned. Realistically, he's bald. What would a red-haired Cynthia lady really be looking for, he thinks? Red is just too competitive, Brunette doesn't match, so he makes an appointment with his salon to have a thick, platinum blonde wig made specially for him. Almost shoulder-length, but not anywhere near as long as Cynthia's - that would just not be cool.

On Wednesday, he spends an hour frying in the tanning booth. Hamiltonian results. I've won her!, he thinks to himself.

So now it's Thursday, & Justin is off to the salon for a fitting. The wig is stunning. He stands tall and accepts the compliments of the salon staff. He doesn't bow, because that would be beneath his station in life. He's going to win her!

And now it's Friday. He's twenty minutes early for his appointment. She keeps Justin waiting 15 minutes past his appointment time. Not a problem, he's in love!. Then another delay - no problem.

Finally he's in her office. Why? - because he has a very high prostate specific antigen count and she is a proctologist.

So he follows her instructions. Down with the pants. And the undies. She slaps on the rubber gloves, asks him to bend over... more... more.. And, mortifyingly, his hairpiece flops on the floor!.

Not to worry, she said, it is just adverse hair piece stance.

Man goes into the doctor and asks if he has the results of his test back.
The doctor says "I have good news and worse news."
The man says "What is the bad news?"
Doctor says "The tests say you only have 24 hours to live."
Tha man says "That is horrible what could be worse than that?"
The doctor says"I should have called you yesterday."

This is my second installment. This may have already posted.


A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.

Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said,

"My wife got a pretty good look at you."




Have fun...

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:" Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here, please."

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.



Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3.. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4 esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6.. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

15. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.



Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE

Robbie Robin was a worm-catcher extraordinaire. He arose earlier than all the other birds and took great pride in his worm-acquiring abilities. Often he'd encounter worms who were trying desperately to verbally -- uh -- worm their way out of their impending doom. "Last of my family" and "the-wife-and-kids" excuses abounded. No dice. They simply became Robbie's breakfast. Some would try to physically resist Robbie, but his tough beak won every time. He remained the King of Worm Catchers.

That is, until just recently. Robbie sneaked up on a worm early one morning and just as he prepared to pounce, the little worm turned around and solidly punched him right in the beak! Robbie blinked hard and rubbed his sore nose. The worm then began to verbally abuse Robbie, cussing him up one side and down the other with a vocabulary that would make most sailors blush. He escalated his attack, insulting Robbie's ancestors all the way back beyond the Ark to the first pair of robins ever created in The Beginning. Robbie was so stunned by this display of wormy chutzpah that he just shook his head and staggered away in shock, this being the first morning he had ever failed to get his worm. The worm watched Robbie's retreat and muttered to himself with obvious satisfaction, "The surly worm gets the bird!"

I meant to post this last week...

A patient entered the dentist's office. A cursory examination revealed that his nearly new dental plates were badly corroded.

"What on earth have you been eating?" the dentist demanded. "I've never seen new plates go so fast!"

"Gosh, Doc, I dunno," the fellow mused. "About six months ago my wife was experimenting with different foods we'd never tried and she tried scooping a little Hollandaise sauce on something. It was just as tasty as all get out and I told her to put it on everything we ate from then on. She did -- and for the last six months I've had Hollandaise sauce on everything that slithers down my gullet. Could that...?"

"Yes, that would explain it," the dentist replied. "Hollandaise is suprisingly acidic, notwithstanding its tangy creaminess. But we'll have to replace those teeth. I'll make you a new set of plates. But this time, given your culinary predilections, we'll make them out of chrome."

"Chrome? Why on Earth would you make them out of chrome?"

"It's perfectly simple, my dear fellow. There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."