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#12545 - 04/07/11 04:24 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Rod, I'll keep your radiation test in mind. In Japan, radiation is a real worry. Poor souls.

In the U.S.A, we worry about our economy due to what's happening around the world, and that's why a woman has to be a good Financial Planner. For instance, here's a true story about a guy named Dan:

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.


Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are good financial planners!

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#12573 - 04/08/11 02:49 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2248
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit.'

'It's The Box Office.'
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#12585 - 04/08/11 05:38 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Mike Condron Offline


Registered: 11/05/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Now Manteca, CA
Wagga was seated in his wheelchair in the rest home when one of the female residents went walking down the hallway flapping open her robe calling out "Super sex, super sex." Wagga looks up and after a gander declares, "I'll have the soup."


Edited by Mike Condron (04/08/11 05:48 PM)
_________________________
Mike

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#12588 - 04/08/11 05:45 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Mike Condron]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2248
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
You meant "gander", right?

Anyhow, it was the kind of soup that comes in a box.

_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#12724 - 04/12/11 03:57 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Between Wagga's boxed soup and Whitney Fan's "serious" puzzle, I was scratching my head so much that my hair needed to be washed which made me think of a "silly" joke.......

CATHOLIC SHAMPOO

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cold beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered, "Indeed it would sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout."

"I can handle that without a problem." she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the checkout. "The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. One of the nuns explained "We use beer for washing our hair, a shampoo of sort, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "In that case, the curlers are on the house."

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#12738 - 04/12/11 07:53 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
lyn-a-roo samething here I was reading the puzzel thread and reminded of a silly joke.
A man is told he only has 6 months to live by his doctor.
The man screams out. "I will pay anything and any amount if you can make me live longer"
The doctor says "Get married to a mean old shrew and move to Bakersfield"
The man said "That will make me live longer?"
Doctor says "No but it will feel like forever."

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#12801 - 04/13/11 04:23 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Rod, speaking of Bakersfield makes me think of Interstate 5, which makes me think of a famous quote.....

Drive carefully, 90% of people are accidents.


Edited by lynn-a-roo (04/13/11 04:23 PM)

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#12806 - 04/13/11 04:45 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
Mike Condron Offline


Registered: 11/05/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Now Manteca, CA
I heard it as Fresno.
_________________________
Mike

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#12811 - 04/13/11 05:34 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Mike Condron]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2248
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and blue?
Click to reveal..
A nun falling down stairs.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
Click to reveal..
Because he wanted to stay on the same side.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#12844 - 04/14/11 10:36 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Mike,I think you're correct, it is Fresno. No offense to you Frenonians

Wagga, loved the nun joke.

Wagga, in all my math classes, we never taked about a Mobius Strip, not in Algebra nor Calculus, you must have taken upper, upper level math - I had to read the definition in Wikipedia.


Edited by lynn-a-roo (04/14/11 10:36 AM)

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#12847 - 04/14/11 11:13 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7719
Loc: Fresno, CA
Ha! And Mike hails from Manteca!

Look up the translation for Manteca   grin

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#12915 - 04/15/11 10:35 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Steve C]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
lynn-a-roo reminded me about driving. Bob Hope said here in LA we have 2 baseball teams. The Dogers and the Angels.If you drive SoCal Freeways you are either one or the other.

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#12917 - 04/15/11 10:37 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Bob Hope reminds me of his description of the four stages of forgetting.
1st you forget peoples names
2nd you forget peoples faces
3rd you forget to zip up
4th you forget to zip down


Edited by Rod (04/15/11 10:37 AM)

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#12925 - 04/15/11 02:30 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2248
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint,


When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'


The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'


So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.


The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink!?'
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#12932 - 04/15/11 04:00 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Hillarious!!!

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#13013 - 04/17/11 04:29 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and Then
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

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#13014 - 04/17/11 04:34 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

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#13015 - 04/17/11 04:41 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2248
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Little Tommy has retired is now the senior member of the nursing home and at the age of 94 still gets around pretty good. One of his favorite places to go is the garden where he can sit in seclusion and ponder his life's accomplishments.

One day his old friend Little Suzie enters the home. She walks in and the two begin to talk. Soon the conversation turns to sex and Little Tommy says "that's what I miss most of all." The woman looks at the frail Little Tommy and says "you old coot...what makes you think you can still get it up?" "I suppose you're right" says Little Tommy "but at least it would be nice if someone would just hold it." The old woman saw no harm in this and agreed to "hold it" and this activity went on everyday for a couple of weeks.

One day Little Suzie went into the garden to be with Little Tommy and he was nowhere to be found. She was told he was last seen in room 905 so off she went. Little Suzie arrives at room 905 and is shocked to find Little Tommy with another nursing home member named Mabel. They are sitting together and Mabel is "holding it", Little Suzie instantly becomes irrate and shouts "Little Tommy, how could you do this to me, what does she have that I don't have?"...Little Tommy just smiles and says "Parkinsons".
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#13016 - 04/17/11 05:21 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Mike Condron Offline


Registered: 11/05/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Now Manteca, CA
Originally Posted By: wagga
Little Tommy has retired is now the senior member of the nursing home and at the age of 94 still gets around pretty good. One of his favorite places to go is the garden where he can sit in seclusion and ponder his life's accomplishments.

One day his old friend Little Suzie enters the home. She walks in and the two begin to talk. Soon the conversation turns to sex and Little Tommy says "that's what I miss most of all." The woman looks at the frail Little Tommy and says "you old coot...what makes you think you can still get it up?" "I suppose you're right" says Little Tommy "but at least it would be nice if someone would just hold it." The old woman saw no harm in this and agreed to "hold it" and this activity went on everyday for a couple of weeks.

One day Little Suzie went into the garden to be with Little Tommy and he was nowhere to be found. She was told he was last seen in room 905 so off she went. Little Suzie arrives at room 905 and is shocked to find Little Tommy with another nursing home member named Mabel. They are sitting together and Mabel is "holding it", Little Suzie instantly becomes irrate and shouts "Little Tommy, how could you do this to me, what does she have that I don't have?"...Little Tommy just smiles and says "Parkinsons".


OK all you parents that have children reading this board, explain this one to them!! (smiley face here)


Edited by Mike Condron (04/17/11 05:24 PM)
_________________________
Mike

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#13047 - 04/18/11 04:20 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Mike Condron]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Mike, once again, I hear ya, Wagga is out of control.

Wagga, I liked your silly koala and lizard joke, however PETA is going to be after you for letting a koala smoke, but as for your Little Tommy jokes, well I only have this to say about that.....

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She
seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand Euros on a single
roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...

'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men... are, men.

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