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#18040 - 09/04/11 10:40 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty
THE EFFICIENCY EXPERT

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired an efficiency expert to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, he concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per waiter's shift. They determined that if our personnel were better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 5 man-hours per shift."

"Amazing," I said. "I can see how that would really increase efficiency." And as luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now," he explained.

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Well, management doesn't like us to talk about that," he said in a lowered voice. "Not everyone is so observant, and I see how interested you are, so I'll tell you. That expert I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our peckers, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 50 percent."

"But," I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

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#18372 - 09/14/11 06:00 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty
The Church Organist


Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness.
One afternoon, the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.


As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!


When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.


The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.


'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'pointing to the bowl.


'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'

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#18493 - 09/18/11 05:01 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Online


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2205
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Six surgeons were sitting around discussing their favorite patients when the first stated that he especially enjoyed operating on poets and artists because . . .

"When I cut them open, they are filled with beautiful colors and the operating room is bathed in wonderful light."

"No way!" said the second surgeon, "I prefer operating on accountants. Inside everything is neat and orderly and all the parts are numbered."

"Nah," said the third surgeon, "librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth responds: "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded!"

The fifth intercedes: "Personally, I prefer engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

"You're all wrong," said the sixth surgeon, "The best are lawyers. No guts, no heart, no spine. They only have two parts — their mouths and their rears, and both of these are interchangeable!"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#19089 - 10/10/11 10:39 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty
The Bar Story

This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death.


However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself,and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground.

Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a real ------- when you're drunk!"

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#19091 - 10/10/11 01:50 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Why sharks circle first.
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did. "Well done, son!
Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,
"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

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#19114 - 10/11/11 08:48 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana




The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?

We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'

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#19291 - 10/17/11 10:36 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty
Two Blind Pilots

Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.


The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into t heir magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.


In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."


Edited by lynn-a-roo (10/17/11 10:37 AM)

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#19314 - 10/18/11 09:17 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
mrshherrera Offline


Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 82
Loc: Hills of Granada, CA
Three men married wives from different states.

The first man married a woman from Michigan. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Nebraska. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Hawaii. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table at every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
_________________________
The Mountains are calling and I must go - John Muir

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#19326 - 10/18/11 10:00 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: mrshherrera]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty
A Silly Candy Joke for Halloween

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood,plastic - anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed.

The next day, the king held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.



Question: What was the object in the prince's pants? (Scroll down for the answer.)



x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x


They were M&M's!!! - (get your mind out of the gutter !!) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!


Edited by lynn-a-roo (10/18/11 10:20 PM)

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#19350 - 10/20/11 10:56 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty
TRUE STORY

Man Wakes Up In Hospital and......  

>> A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "You were in a huge pile-up on the highway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again, but your manly-part was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
>>
>> The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation and we now have the technology to build a new manly-part. They work great but they're not cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

>> The man perks up.

>> "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. I understand that you've been married almost thirty years. You should discuss this with your wife. If you had a 5-incher before and get a 9-incher now, she might be overwhelmed. If you had a 9-incher before and you decide to only invest in a 5-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

>> The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

>> The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

>> "Yes I have," says the man.

>> "And has she helped you make a decision?"

>> "Yes" says the man.

>> "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> "We're getting granite counter tops

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#19356 - 10/21/11 04:50 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Online


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2205
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A super model was giving evidence at a trial. Asked to introduce herself she said "I am the most incredible result of creation in all of my generation, an exquisite and fine example."

Snickering, the lawyer asked "Surely, Miss you could give yourself a more modest introduction?"

"Sir, but I am under oath."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#19370 - 10/21/11 02:47 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty
The Newfie


A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job. He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride in the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.

The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at it. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains." The Newfie promptly answers, "It's a Sitka spruce and contains 383 board feet of lumber." The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window. and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class. "It's a Douglas fir and has 690 board feet." says the Newfie. Now the foreman is really impressed.The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator!

One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?" Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A yellow cedar, 242 board feet." The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office. He's a little peeved because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree." The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How does he know which is the front of the tree?"

When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "That is the front of the tree," the Newfie states, cocksure. The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the heck do you know that's the front of the tree?"The Newfie looks down at his feet, and replies, "Cuz someone took a poop behind it."

He got the job.

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#19391 - 10/24/11 10:51 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty
Where Are All the Silly Halloween Jokes?


Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."

The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."

The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender..............,



"Two bloods and a blood light."


Edited by lynn-a-roo (10/24/11 10:52 AM)

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#19414 - 10/25/11 10:54 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty
Where Are All the Silly Halloween Jokes?



TOP COMPLAINTS OF MODERN-DAY VAMPIRES

Three words: Daylight Savings Time

Can't enjoy a meal at BURGER KING without some redneck yelling, "Look...it's Elvis!!"

After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

All the crucifix-wearing Madonna clones make finding easy victims difficult.

No warm blood for miles around DC.




Edited by lynn-a-roo (10/25/11 10:55 AM)

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#19415 - 10/25/11 11:27 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty
Wazzu's Monster Mash is a Hit for Halloween 2011

http://www.monstermashup.com/dev/webroot/5aff62

Edit: Seems to be a bad link.

This might work better: http://www.monstermashup.com/teaser/


Edited by Steve C (10/26/11 01:26 PM)

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#19447 - 10/27/11 05:09 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty
The Monsters aren't mashing very well this year, but Doug and Earlene and still whipping up something good for Halloween over at the Whitney Portal Store, check it out.

http://www.trickortreatyourfriends.com/#/nNjE8GSg

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#19461 - 10/28/11 05:11 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Online


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2205
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Ole is the Pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:

DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. Shakin' his head, Rev. Ole says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#19577 - 11/04/11 03:20 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Online


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2205
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A Haitian bank teller thought she was being followed by a zombie, so she went to the police. The detective said, "OK, you think some guy is following you?"

She said, "Not 'some guy' - a zombie. One of the walking dead."

The detective sighed in relief and told her to go on back to her job at the bank, because, he said, "The first thing every detective learns is ... Dead Men Tail No Tellers."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#19723 - 11/09/11 04:58 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty
Women Drivers

This morning on Hwy. 395 outside of Lone Pine, Steve C. looked over to his left and there was Bee in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

Steve C. looked away for a couple seconds....to continue shaving and when he looked back Bee was halfway over in his lane, still working on her makeup.

As a man, Steve C. didn't scare easily, but Bee scared him so much that he dropped his electric shaver which knocked the donut out of his other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using his knees against the steering wheel, his Cell Phone was knocked away from his ear.

The Phone fell into the coffee between his legs! The coffee splashed, burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked his trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Darn women drivers!

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#19726 - 11/09/11 08:44 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7209
Loc: Fresno, CA
No WAY does that have any truth! Everyone who has ever ridden with me knows I'd never drive at 65. It's more like 85. wink

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