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#20200 - 12/13/11 04:32 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Online


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2246
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
This is a ARRS* story, so be forewarned.

A redneck family from the holler went to the big city for the first time. At St. Patrick's Cathedral, Ma went off to the altar, and Pa and the oldest son took a pew in the Nave. Now St. Patrick's has been upgraded over the years, & Pa was curious about the large, shiny rectangle on the side wall.

After a while, a very decrepit, ugly old lady hobbled up to the shiny object with her cane and waited patiently. Soon, the shiny mirror parted in the middle and the old woman just managed to make it through before the mirror became whole again.

Some lights flashed on and off and then the mirror parted again and the most gorgeous young woman Pa had ever seen sashayed sexily though the portal.

It's a miracle! Pa said - Son, go get your Ma!

* Ageist/Racist/Religious/Sexist.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#20220 - 12/14/11 09:05 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Online


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2246
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Drinking and Driving.....

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and
driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had
brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social
session over the years. Well, I have done something about it: a couple
of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few
too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but
knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did
something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back
safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had
never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#20264 - 12/18/11 01:41 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Online


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2246
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Paddy & Mick worked together in St. John's, Newfoundland and were both laid off.

So off they went to the unemployment office together.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and tongs".

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, and gave him $80.00 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in, and when asked his occupation, replied, "Diesel Fitter". Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160.00 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitter's are skilled labour".

What skill? Yelled Paddy." I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs; Mick puts 'em over his head and says:

"Yep, diesel fitter .........."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#20294 - 12/20/11 10:55 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Wagga, thanks for the laughs, I'm so happy to see some new material on the Silly Joke thread.

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#20309 - 12/21/11 05:58 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's attitude, he drew his ray gun and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he re-focused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his wiener over his shoulder and then stick it in his ear.'


Edited by lynn-a-roo (12/21/11 06:05 AM)
Edit Reason: spelling of wiener - male part, not as familiar with the spelling of this anatomical part of the male

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#20331 - 12/22/11 09:45 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Online


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2246
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
They say all are welcome to worship, but even the Catholic Church has to have some standards. On Christmas morning, Father Bohr was having a hard time keeping undesirables out.

First was Dr. Schrodinger and his cat. The priest said, "You can't bring that cat in here. It looks half dead!"

An electron, a proton and a neutron came up to Father Bohr and asked how much their indulgences would cost. The priest said that it was going to be expensive for the electron, because he is so negative. The fee would be normal for the proton, but with the neutron, of course, there was no charge.

Then Father Bohr had to throw out a man who believed in the heat death of the Universe. They didn't want any Kelvinists.

He wouldn't allow electricity in as he knew it couldn't conduct itself.

After the sanctuary was full, a small furry mammal arrived. The priest told him, "Sorry, our occupancy is only 6.02*10^20. We can't hold a mole."

The last to arrive was Higgs Boson. The priest didn't notice him at first, but caught up with him before he could sit in a pew. "I'm sorry. We don't allow your kind here."

Higgs Bosun replied, "But without me, you have no mass!"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#20336 - 12/22/11 02:41 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
GUYS, GREAT CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR YOUR WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND


Apple announced today it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
 
The iTit costs from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social  breakthrough, because women are always complaining  about men staring at their breasts--
 
-and not listening to them.

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#20384 - 12/25/11 08:02 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Happy Holidays Everyone



Young Patrick Murphy



The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and
sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late
And we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all
excited, we go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come with all our
toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at
Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we
sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the
chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa
Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him
out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at
Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same ol', same ol'...Dad comes home from the
office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy
factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...and begin to
sing: "What A Friend We Have in Jesus". Then we all go to the Bahamas".




All my friends, no matter what religion, liked this one, hope you do too.

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#20385 - 12/25/11 09:42 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Online


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2246
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day's competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out.

The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#20386 - 12/25/11 12:11 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Online


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2246
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Lara Bingle (you can Google her under Cricket) invited Michael Clarke (you can Google him under Cricket) around for Christmas dinner a few short years ago. She didn't claim to be a good cook, but wanted to serve a home-made meal for him. Actually, she admits to being a lousy cook.

Michael found a very dense object on his plate which was a kind of radioactive green. It made a clunking sound when he dropped it - couldn't even get a fork into it.

"What", he said, "is this?" She, glorying in her new-found cooking skills, replied "Jello".

"Oh", he said, it's a Bingle Jell Rock!

_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#20424 - 12/28/11 01:46 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Online


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2246
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..

I can't wait until next Christmas.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#20621 - 01/09/12 01:44 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
I NEED SILLY IRISH JOKES FOR A 50TH BIRTHDAY PARTY THIS COMING WEEKEND, Saturday, Jan. 14th

Hello Fellow WZers,

If you have any silly Irish jokes can you please post them to this thread. I need them for a 50th Birthday Party I'm attending for a good friend this weekend on Saturday. I'll do a search on this thread to see if any Irish jokes have already been posted.

Thank you,
Lynn-a-roo

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#20642 - 01/10/12 03:33 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

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#20702 - 01/12/12 02:21 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Online


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2246
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
These are 4 very important facts of religion:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#20744 - 01/15/12 03:25 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Online


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2246
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Dear Mom and Dad,

Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried.

We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please, call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it wasn't for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Geof how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks.

This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they sometimes got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a pedophile?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets.

Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,
Brandon

P. S.: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot ?
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#20745 - 01/15/12 03:32 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Online


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2246
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#20752 - 01/16/12 04:07 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Wagga - ha, ha,ha, love the silly boomerang joke


COFFEE

You know you've been drinking too much coffee when.....

Your life ambition has been to amount to hill of beans.

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#20803 - 01/19/12 10:23 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When

1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
2. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
3. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
4. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
5. You lick your coffeepot clean.
6. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
7. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
8. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
9. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
10. You can jump-start your car without cables.
11. All your kids are named "Joe."
12. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
13. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
14. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
15. People get dizzy just watching you.
16. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up.  Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
17. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
18. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
19. You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
20. Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
21. Instant coffee takes too long.
22. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
23. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
24. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
25. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
26. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
27. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
28. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
29. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
30. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
31. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
32. You don't tan, you roast.
33. You can't even remember your second cup.
34. You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
35. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

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#20804 - 01/19/12 10:59 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7615
Loc: Fresno, CA
Lynn-a-roo, those are too good! grin

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#20979 - 01/24/12 12:09 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Steve C]
wagga Online


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2246
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone, but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched; how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet, but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the parish priest at the local Catholic church, at which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the priest back his money. The priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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