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#21999 - 03/16/12 02:55 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum Stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?" he asked

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

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#22000 - 03/16/12 02:57 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
1982jeep Offline


Registered: 01/22/12
Posts: 41
Loc: southern California
LMAOROF laugh
_________________________
Tina - A REAL Orange County Housewife (Okay so I don't stay home)

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#22053 - 03/18/12 08:12 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: 1982jeep]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2243
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
This is a real ad. I have the paper copy.

_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#22054 - 03/18/12 08:20 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
tdtz Offline


Registered: 08/26/10
Posts: 511
Loc: CA
Oh damn, and I wanted to apply for that job....but here i am with no criminal record.

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#22069 - 03/19/12 05:56 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: tdtz]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty

A police officer pulls over a hard of hearing, elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment.

The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.

She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say, what did he say?"

The husband yells, "He said he stopped you for speeding."

The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say, what did he say?

The husband yells, "he wants to see your driver's license."

The woman hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town. The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst lay of his life there.

The woman looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say, what did he say?"

The husband yells, "He thinks he knows you dear."




Edited by lynn-a-roo (03/19/12 05:58 AM)

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#22356 - 03/27/12 06:58 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2243
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Posted in today's smh Column 8.

''After a busy day I settled down in my train from Southern Cross for a nap as far as my destination at Bendigo,'' writes Peter Nelson, ''when the chap sitting near me hauled out his mobile and started up. 'Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30, but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss. No darling, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart', etc, etc. This was still going on at Sunbury, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice 'Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!'''
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#22507 - 03/31/12 09:03 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2243
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
  A Sid Mummers Night Stream
Little Tommy stomped loudly into the kitchen & yelled at the top of his voice "GOTTA PISS!". Arthur Sydney's mother, Arthur Sydney, and Little Susie (with eyes like saucers) were agog at Little Tommie's language. "LITTLE TOMMIE", yelled Sydney's mother, "YOU MUST NEVER SAY THAT WORD AGAIN!"

Well, Little Tommy, and Little Susie went on to fame with their own panopoly of Little Tommy/Little Susie jokes. Such as the classic - when Little Tommy & Little Susie disrobed to cross a creek - Can I touch it, she said - NO! Little Tommie replied - You already snapped yours' off!

Arthur Sydney, however, was permanently marked by that occasion, and never uttered that word again for the rest of his life. In fact he became enamored by all the euphemisms for micturation and urination and actually made a reputation for himself in high school for "Draining the Lizard", "Pointing Percy at the Porcelain", and many, many other euphemisms.

When it came time for A. Sydney (as he called himself after high school) to earn a real living in the real world, he became a local hero in the stand-up comedy genre. Unlike Carlin, he refused to call a something a something and garnered a local following. His audience loved "Take a Slash", "See a Man About a Horse", "Making Yellow Snow", "Undrink this morning's Juice", "Gotta Return the Beer I Rented This Evening", and "Shake the Dew off the Lily".

However, there was another, more physical side to that traumatic moment as a child. Syd found that he could only "Siphon the Python" or "Pump Ship" during night-time hours - he could never "Break The Seal" or "Check out the Hamsters Whirlpool Bath", or "Drain the Trouser Snake" or "Have the River Run Through" during the day! However, his girlfriend could "Bail the Canoe" anytime she needed to.

The next stage in A. Sydney's career was playing masked characters in street parades. Not a true actor, but a very sought-after mummer in Philadelphia. Truth be told, he was very popular as a float driver, because he never needed to stop to "Strain the Potatoes" or "Drown a Pommie" or "Shake Hands With an Old Friend"!

Eventually A. Sid (as he called himself by this time) became a playwright and wrote some very successful Off-Broadway plays, which depended rather heavily on the old peeing euphemisms - "The Urinal of the Opera"/"The Whiz"/"Piddler on the Roof"/"The Producers"/"Peespray"/"Cats Pray"/"How to Succeed in Business Without Really Peeing"/"La Cage aux Pissoir"/"The Best Little Pisser in Texas"/Les PissÚrables"/"Guys and Dolls Do It Differently" and his crowning glory, "Sir Pissalot".

Finally, being wildly successful, A. Sid sought medical relief for his unique condition.
His doctor, puzzled by this strange and unique syndrome, referred Sid to a trick cyclist (psychiatrist).

The psychiatrist, who had not only known of Sid's plays, but attended all of the performances, was awe-struck by his new referral.
Sid, he said, "May I call you Sid"? - would you like to participate in a learned scientific paper about your unique condition?
No, said Sid, "It's kinda embarrassing!" "But it might be framed in the context of a play".
"So what would you you name it", opined the learned trick cyclist? Would it be a tragedy?
No, said A. Sid, more like a seasonal comedy, with a play within a play.
Said the learned psychiatrist, how about "A. Sid Mummer's Night Stream"?
A Sid Mummers Night Stream
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#22515 - 03/31/12 10:20 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7590
Loc: Fresno, CA
Ok, wagga, that one took some time to develop. Not a bad original. ...it DEFINITELY takes a twisted mind to come up with "A. Sid Mummer's Night Stream"

I had to go searching to figure out what in the world a "mummer" was. Several good explanations here: From The English Ale : Adelaide : South Australia: Mummers' and Guisers' Plays   and   Wikipedia: Mummers Parade

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#22595 - 04/02/12 08:23 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Steve C]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Wagga,

Was "A. Sid Mummer's Night Stream" an original....wow, it was awesome. Loved it.


Keeping with the theme of Piss:
This morning as Wagga was buttoning his shirt, a button fell off. After that, he picked up his briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then he went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. He went to get into his car, and the door handle came off in his hand. Now he's afraid to pee.

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#22597 - 04/02/12 10:11 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7590
Loc: Fresno, CA
> Was "A. Sid Mummer's Night Stream" an original

It appeared here for the Zoners first smile   Shaggy Dogs

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#22622 - 04/03/12 05:11 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Steve C]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Thank Steve.

Keeping with the Potty Theme:

John Wayne Toilet Paper

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.

"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"

"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.

"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"

"Charmin is $2.00 a roll and no name is 50 cents a roll."
The Indian doesn't have much money so he opts for the no name.
Within a few hours he is back at the trading post. "I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."

"Why?" asks the confused clerk.

"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian."


Edited by lynn-a-roo (04/03/12 05:12 PM)

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#22669 - 04/05/12 04:16 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2243
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Even in grade school, just after graduating from Kindy, Vangelis & Becky found themselves isolated from all the "mainstream" kids, who had rejected them because they smelled just a bit "off". Becky's mom was a stickler for personal hygiene, making sure that Becks had at least one shower or bath each day. Vangelis, unusually for a boy, knew that he could be a little pungent after physical exercise, so took at least two showers a day. In spite of all the cleansing and scrubbing effort, both kids still emitted a not-so-faint, distinctive, and not particularly soapy odor.

Thrown together by the herd's rejection, they became best friends, neither noticing the others scent - Today it could all be explained with pheromone science & biochemistry and folded protein receptors and so forth, but back then it was instinktive, I suppose. So Vang & Becks were BFFs all through Elementary, Middle and High School. Of course, in High School, they started petting, and Van particularly adored Beck's creamy (Oops, getting off-topic here)... But they loved and respected each other and stayed very close - inseparable even. Because they studied and explored the intellectual universe together, they also set the scoring curve so high that their grades were routinely way over 100% so that at least one other student could pass each class.

Given the exaggerated emotions of high school kids, it was no surprise that many of the other "mainstream" students resented Vang's handsomeness, Beck's incandescent beauty and their unmatched academic scores - but mostly their solid relationship. The only thing the herd could criticize the couple on was the faint but lingering olfactory signature.

Now, at Graduation, a dozen years after they first met, Vangelis was absolutely proud to ask his only love Becky to the Prom - and she accepted ecstatically. However, some of the kids who remembered the stinky issues from way back were incredibly jealous of the couple and plotted to embarrass them, pulling in many students for a "prank" at the Prom.

At the Prom, the last dance - the romantic slow dance, the plotters (and most of the other students) circled Becky & Vance & pulled out aerosol cans of Potpourri and AireWick and Glade and other air fresheners and started spraying!

Becky, imminent tears in her eyes, turned to Vangelis, who declaimed loudly to students and faculty "Thank you everybody! This is so romantic!"

The plotters, now totally confused, nonplussed and ashamed by this unexpected response, fell back hastily from the couple.

Becky, uncomprehending, again looked to Vangelis, her lifelong love, who continued... "They're Slaying Our Pong"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#22705 - 04/07/12 08:07 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2243
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Central California and Australia produce some of the finest cotton in the world. The reason is that it never (well, hardly ever) rains in California and, using irrigation from the Sierras, the crop can be kept at the exact soil moisture necessary to optimize plant growth. The same situation exists in parts of Australia, where it truly never rains, but the water is supplied by Artesian wells. Never so dry that the crop is stunted or dies, never so wet so that fungus and weevils destroy the bolls. Egypt has had a similar situation for millenia.

One of the early pioneers in California was Theodore. When he moved from Colorado to California in the century-before-last and started growing cotton, he named the company The-Tell, after his hometown Telluride. (and, of course, himself).

A mere hundred years after The-Tell was founded, the then-management realized that cheap computers, with newly-developed inexpensive sensors and automated water dispensers, could actually apply the exact number of drops of water required for each and every cotton plant to maximize the quality and quantity of cotton bolls produced. So they did that. And they made wonderful cotton. Which they still do.

Unfortunately for The-Tell, about this very same time, synthetic fibers and films were developed which were both waterproof and breathable - and that's where the phrase "Cotton Kills" entered the lexicon.

So The-Tell research scientists started research to counter this synthetic threat. One characteristic of cotton is that it has a very high resistance to electricity. Hoping that a new flat-film battery technology carried by the user would allow a low-resistance fabric to cause an electric current to warm, dry and protect the outdoors user, The-Tell developed a natural optimal low electrical-resistance cotton for outdoor apparel. After years of earnest effort, they've dubbed the new technology "Papa", and called the new product "4 Ohm The-Tell Bolls".
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#22707 - 04/07/12 11:17 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7590
Loc: Fresno, CA
like! Another wagga original. Not bad

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#22763 - 04/10/12 06:53 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Steve C]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2243
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
This is a true story. And on topic.

Born in Wagga Wagga, New South Wales, Australia, I've hiked/backpacked the Australian Alps and the California Sierras for all of my life. I'm Strine - (Google Affabeck Lauder).

So, on a Trans-Sierra Day Hike (TSDH) a few years ago, the following actually happened.

Crossing the Sierras ("The Range of Light", according to John Muir) in a single day is not only possible, but very instructive. If you start at the Rock Creek Complex, you can meet up for lunch mid-way with the folks who began the day at the Vermillion Valley Resort, swap car keys & boogie on home.

Moving East to West, you start out in the Summer rain shadow of the Sierras, quickly move up from the desert via Ruby Lake to snow-covered Mono Pass, through the Hudson Bay ecosytem, then descend through the never-ending-elastic-valley-of-infinity passing through the Winter & Fall climates until you reach Summer at the Vermillion Valley Resort. All in a day. On foot. There are several other TSDH possiblities, but this is where this true story happened.

Four major ecosysems in a single day on foot! Using a (then-primitive) GPS reciever, at about 3/4 distance, I told Tim and his wife that they were not quite fast enough to get to the ferry on time. The ferry shuttles hikers across Lake Thomas Edison to Vermillion. It leaves at 4 pm. For the previous two years, I had gotten my party there at 3:55 pm. Missing it meant an additional 6 miles hike. (Ask me how I know). Telling them that 3.15 miles per hour was not quite enough, I exhorted them to achieve 3.45 miles per hour. I even offered to buy them each a beer at the Vermillion Valley Resort if they could beat me to the ferry, else they would have to shout me.

At a break, I came back quietly only to find them discussing the situation. "We need to keep hiking while the Oz is resting", said Tim. "Yeah", said Carla, "we gotta hike while the Strine is not".
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#22990 - 04/17/12 05:46 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2243
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. At the appropriate moment following the eulogy, as his friends and colleagues watched, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a Gynecologist."

That's when the Proctologist fainted.

Stolen from Tarzan Stripes Forever.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#23024 - 04/18/12 01:23 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
ha, ha, ha, good one Wagga and how appropriate...a doctor joke when Steve C. has the flu

Hey WZ members, don't any of you have a silly joke for Wagga and me???

KEEPING WITH THE MEDICAL THEME.....

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"




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#23026 - 04/18/12 02:19 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
mrshherrera Offline


Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 82
Loc: Hills of Granada, CA
Originally Posted By: lynn-a-roo
Hey WZ members, don't any of you have a silly joke for Wagga and me???


I am game (thanks to the web), but I am terrible at retelling them so here it goes:

Carl was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Carl has been missing since Friday.
_________________________
The Mountains are calling and I must go - John Muir

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#23039 - 04/18/12 11:28 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: mrshherrera]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7590
Loc: Fresno, CA
like! thanks grin

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#23047 - 04/19/12 09:32 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Steve C]
mrshherrera Offline


Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 82
Loc: Hills of Granada, CA
The Road to Hawaii

This man was walking along the beach in Southern California and discovered what appeared to be a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and sure enough, out came this Genie. The Genie was so excited to be out of the lamp that he gave the man the customary three wishes.

The man thought for a few seconds then said to the Genie, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to. You see I am afraid to fly and I get seasick in the bathtub. I would like you to construct a highway to Hawaii so I can drive there."

The Genie scratched his head, did some quick calculations, then sadly said, "I hate to tell you this but your wish might be too much for me to give. You see, it would take a tremendous amount of time to lobby the Department of Transportation, the Department of Federal Highway and Safety Administration. Then, the construction costs would require further tax hikes. On top of all this, we would have to construct fuel stations along the route as well. I have never had to turn down a wish like this and I am somewhat embarrassed to do so, but can you think of another wish instead of this one?"

The man was disappointed to hear this bad news but took it in stride. He thought a few more seconds and then said, "I have been married for 15 years and have really never been able to understand my wife. I wish you could help me understand my wife."

The Genie interrupted the man quickly and asked, "Would you like that highway two lane or four lane?"
_________________________
The Mountains are calling and I must go - John Muir

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