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#29966 - 02/22/13 05:35 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
[quote=wagga]Irresistible! Guess where!

[img]http://www.whitneyzone.com/wz/gallery/12/medium/866.jpg[/img] [/quote]

Fresno?

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#29967 - 02/22/13 05:47 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2243
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
[quote=lynn-a-roo]Re: Irresistible! Guess where!

Fresno? [/quote]
Nearly fell off my bike the first time I saw it. So I finally found the camera & recorded it for posterity.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#29970 - 02/22/13 09:07 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7584
Loc: Fresno, CA
No doubt about it. Fresno's got class.

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#29991 - 02/25/13 12:25 AM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: Steve C]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7584
Loc: Fresno, CA
Not so much a "cool video", so here it is in the silly column...


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#30029 - 02/27/13 11:13 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: Steve C]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7584
Loc: Fresno, CA
The best DUI stop: From Reno 911


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#30071 - 03/01/13 06:44 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: Steve C]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty

Steve, CaT, and Wagga were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.

After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Steve said to CaT and Wagga, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting.
I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and CaT can sing songs for 25 flights, and Wagga can tell sad stories the rest of the way.

At the 26th floor Steve stopped telling jokes and CaT began to sing.

At the 51st floor CaT stopped singing and Wagga began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said.

"I left the room key in the car!"


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#30077 - 03/01/13 11:37 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7584
Loc: Fresno, CA
Lynn, that's closer to the truth than you might think. :grin:

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#30136 - 03/05/13 05:06 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: Steve C]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA


One of comedian Will Rogers' favorite remarks was "All I know is what I
read in the papers." For many busy people, all they know is what they read in
the headlines. The bold messages entice readers to purchase copies from the
news stand and, if there is time, to dive more deeply into a story.

Behind every newspaper headline lurks a newspaper deadline. The men and
women who compose headlines work within restrictions of time and space.

They must compact large-size print into narrow column widths, and their brief
messages must clearly state the theme of each story, keep words intact, be
attractive to the eye and catch the reader's attention. On top of that, each
headline must be written in a fraction of the time thought humanly possible.

No wonder that, on occasion, editors get caught with their headlines down,
and exposed to as many as several million readers, the bold-face botch becomes a
red-face result.

Some of the best two-headed headlines are those in which an inadvertent
pun lifts the message from the blandly literal to the sublimely absurd:

GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT
MAKES HOLE IN ONE

DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING

DEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCE

ASBESTOS SUIT PRESSED

DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT

COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES
GROWING UGLY

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIAGN TO RUNDOWN
JAYWALKERS

FLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES
EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOL

HOUSE PASSES GAS
TAX ONTO SENATE

POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA

TUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COAST

STIFF OPPOSITION EXPECTED
TO CASKETLESS FUNERAL PLAN

MEN RECOMMEND MORE CLUBS FOR WIVES

MANY ANTIQUES SEEN AT D.A.R. MEETING

IKE SAYS NIXON CAN'T STAND PAT

TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE;
JURY HUNG

U.S. AUDIT FINDS FUNDS FOR YOUTH MISSPENT




CHINESE APEMAN DATED

MAN HELD OVER GIANT L.A. BRUSH FIRE

TRAFFIC DEAD RISE SLOWLY

WILLIAM KELLY, 87, WAS FED SECRETARY

ALL-STARS TURN ON SPARSE CROWD

NATION'S HUNGRY ATTACK MEESE.

U'S FOOD SERVICE
FEEDS THOUSANDS,
GROSSES MILLIONS

COLLEGIANS ARE TURNING TO VEGETABLES

MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER

HALF-MILLION ITALIAN WOMEN SEEN ON PILL

SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS
SHOULD BE BELTED

SCIENTISTS TO HAVE FORD'S EAR

S. FLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF
BY NEW LAW

10 REVOLTING OFFICERS EXECUTED

QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

COUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISH

JUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATER

MAN HELD IN MIAMI AFTER SHOOTING BEE

SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS

CARTER PLANS SWELL DEFICIT

CARTER TICKS OFF BLACK HELP

CARIBBEAN ISLANDS DRIFT TO LEFT

THUGS EAT THEN ROB PROPRIETOR

ROBBER HOLDS UP ALBERT'S HOSIERY

NEW HOUSING FOR ELDERLY NOT YET DEAD

TOWN TO DROP SCHOOL BUS
WHEN OVERPASS IS READY

FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

KISSINGER ALLEGEDLY FORGES MIDEAST PACT




GENETIC ENGINEERING SPLITS SCIENTISTS

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

SALESMAN SAYS HE LEFT
4 LARGE RINGS IN MALDEN BATHTUB

HERSHEY BARS PROTEST

MEAT HEAD FIGHTS HIKE IN MINIMUM PAY

NEW AUTOS TO HIT 5 MILLION

When a newspaper goes out wearing the wrong banner, its messages can become
unwittingly suggestive:

QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED

IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?

HENSHAW OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY
TO GOOSE HUNTERS

CONNIE TIED, NUDE
POLICEMAN TESTIFIES

WOMEN'S MOVEMENT CALLED
MORE BROAD-BASED

ANTIQUE STRIPPER TO DISPLAY WARES AT STORE

STUD TIRES OUT

PROSTITUTE APPEAL TO POPE

CITY MAY IMPOSE MANDATORY TIME
FOR PROSTITUTION

SPLIT REARS IN FARMERS' MOVEMENT

MRS. RYDELL'S BUST UNVEILED
AT NEARBY SCHOOL

JAIL GUARD PROBE IN PRISON SEX

GROVER MAN DRAWS PRISON TERM,
FINE FOR SEX ACTS

PANDA MATING FAILS
VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

KIDS' PAJAMAS TO BE REMOVED BY WOOLWORTH

NUNS DROP SUIT; BISHOPS AGREE TO AID THEM

PLANNED PARENTHOOD LOOKING
FOR VOLUNTEERS

N. J. JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH.

CHILD'S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN GARDEN





IDAHO GROUP ORGANIZES TO HELP
SERVICE WIDOWS

COLUMNIST GET UROLOGIST IN TROUBLE
WITH HIS PEERS

DR RUTH TO TALK ABOUT SEX
WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS

PASTOR AGHAST AFTER FIRST LADY SEX POSITION

MRS. CORSON'S SEAT UP FOR GRABS

SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN

LOCAL MAN HAS LONGEST HORNS IN TEXAS

CAUSE OF AIDS FOUND -- SCIENTISTS

STERILIZATIONS SOLVES PROBLEMS
FOR PETS, OWNERS

ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX

Sometimes the galley gaffe issues from a confusion in grammar:

BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

CITY PACT FIGHT BOILS

EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS

REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET,
BUT MORE LIES AHEAD

SWAZI KING, 2 SONS POISON SUSPECTS

DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK FRIDAY NOON

SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM

MONDALE'S OFFENSIVE LOOKS HARD TO BEAT

AMERICAN SHIPS HEAD TO LIBYA

LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVISE

LIFE MEANS CARING FOR HOSPITAL DIRECTOR

HORNETS WILL ACCENT THROWING GAME IN '81

SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66






MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD
AS PET FISH

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

ADMITS SHOOTING HUSBAND FROM STAND
DURING TRIAL

LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS

PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND,
CRASH PROBE TOLD

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

FUND SET UP FOR BEATING VICTIM'S KIN

STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE

FINE YOUNG MAN CONVICTED OF MISDEMEANOR

HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC

SILENT TEAMSTER BOSS GETS UNUSUAL
PUNISHMENT, LAWYER

TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 10 YEARS
IN CHECKOUT COUNTER

KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME
IN 10 YEARS

COMMUTER TAX ON NEW YORKERS
KILLED IN NEW JERSEY

Occasionally, a deformed headline takes on a meaning that is exactly the
opposite of the one intended:

NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION
FROM LOVED ONE

CANCER SOCIETY HONORS MARLBORO MANN

NICARAGUA SETS GOAL TO WIPE OUT LITERACY

DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1, 000 IN '84

AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY
LET'S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER

20-YEAR FRIENDSHIP ENDS AT ALTAR

And sometimes the headline illuminates the painfully obvious:

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY,
IT MAY LAST A WHILE









SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH
CUTS EFFICIENCY

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

HALF OF U.S. HIGH SCHOOLS
REQUIRE SOME STUDY
FOR GRADUATION

CHILD'S DEATH RUINS COUPLE'S HOLIDAY

BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY
FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS

SCENT FOUL PLAY
IN DEATH OF MAN
FOUND BOUND AND HANGED

MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN

ENDFIELD COUPLE SLAIN:
POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH,
EXPERT SAYS

DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS,
FEELINGS OF ISOLATION

[size:8pt]
I sure hope Wagga didn't already post this one.[/size]

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#30137 - 03/05/13 05:38 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2243
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
No, but from our scintillating Fresno Bee...

"Pilot Survives F16 Crash"

"Police Shoot Man On Freeway with Knife"

and more.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#30146 - 03/06/13 05:13 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty

LOL........."Police Shoot Man On Freeway with Knife"

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#30147 - 03/06/13 05:19 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty



A 25-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account."

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelery stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, 'You'll try again."



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#30197 - 03/08/13 07:26 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty


[b][color:#FF0000]This is such a heart warming story[/color][/b]




Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'




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#30202 - 03/09/13 04:55 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2243
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A multimillionaire bachelor goes to his club to play golf with two friends. Not knowing who would be joining them, they walk to the first tee.

As they finish teeing off, a tall, beautiful, raven-haired woman asks if she can join them. Although the bachelor thinks this is going to slow down their play, he agrees. The woman tees up a ball and, without a practice swing, smacks it straight down the middle.

This goes on all day and she finishes even par for the round, beating all the men.

They invite her back the next week. They have a great time, and she shoots the same score. The bachelor thinks to himself, "This is the girl of my dreams!" So he asks her out on a date. They go out, find they have much in common, and have a great evening.

They make another golf date, during which she shoots two-under and gives a clinic in shotmaking.

The millionaire is now convinced that they are meant to be together. He invites her back to his apartment, where they talk for hours. Everything is progressing smoothly, so he invites her to his bedroom. Their passions run riot, but she doesn't let things go too far and he drives her home.

This pattern continues for a month: Great golf, great dates, but nights of abbreviated passion. The bachelor can't take it any more.

"I know the time we spent on the golf course and in my apartment is wonderful. And even though we haven't been fully intimate, I know that I love you, you love me, and that you are the girl I want to marry!"

"Darling," she says, "I have something to tell you. I can not hide it anymore. I am a man!"

His mouth drops open, his face turns red, he begins to shake. She's convinced he's going to have a heart attack, or worse, when finally, in a blind rage, he shouts, "And all this time you've been playing from the women's tees?"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#30526 - 03/24/13 02:05 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

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#30830 - 04/07/13 11:02 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7584
Loc: Fresno, CA
Sorry, I only have one bee suit. I'm sure you'll be fine, though.

    [img]http://www.iruntheinternet.com/lulzdump/images/sorry-only-have-one-bee-suit-awesome-dad-13600640680.jpg[/img]

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#30916 - 04/12/13 07:07 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: Steve C]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Florist Mistake

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" asked the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.

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#30927 - 04/13/13 03:46 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2243
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#31048 - 04/23/13 05:50 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty

[color:#003300][b]A LITTLE IRISH NAUGHTINESS ........[/b][/color]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'


The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'


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#31050 - 04/23/13 07:30 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2243
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
[img]http://www.whitneyzone.com/wz/gallery/12/full/904.jpg[/img]

Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.

[b]Iranian Air Defense Site[/b]: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

[b]Aircraft[/b]: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

[b]Air Defense Site[/b]: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

[b]Aircraft[/b]: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

[b]Air Defense Site[/b]: ( ... total silence)


_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#31070 - 04/24/13 05:34 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty

[b][u]A Jewish Salesman [/u][/b]



A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage , only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!

"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."

"Pahh ! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but... I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need... Go In Peace ."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped...

"They won't let me in without a tie!











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