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#31313 - 05/09/13 05:58 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty

Keep it in the Family!

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.

Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"

The brother replied,"I named the little girl Denise." The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?" The brother replied, "Denephew."




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#31545 - 05/26/13 07:01 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2235
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#31572 - 05/28/13 01:28 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2235
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Just in from InterPol!

The notorious Raisin Smuggler has been located and apprehension is imminent.

_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#31573 - 05/28/13 03:16 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Wagga, Wagga, Wagga, I don't know what to say, except....I like the Element Chart Tile around the tub.




Did I Say

A 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing 3 times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"


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#31583 - 05/29/13 09:20 AM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2235
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#31661 - 06/04/13 07:29 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2235
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
What is the primary ingredient in bagels and doughnuts?

Don't click it, you'll hate yourself.

Click to reveal..
Hole wheat flour, of course...

Stolen from Dennis Adams via Tarzan's Tripes forever.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#31723 - 06/08/13 04:24 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2235
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
What happens when your spouse achieves immortality?
Click to reveal..

You are unbereavable!
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#31951 - 06/21/13 07:07 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty

Being that today is the first day of summer I thought we should start off the new season with a bit of humor with summer in mind.


The Girl on the Beach

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so.

Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

“Well? Is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.

“No, she’s not,” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

“Well? What is it, then? What does she do?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, “She’s a battery salesperson.

“Batteries?” cried the wife.

“Yes,” he replied.

“She sells C cells by the sea shore.”

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#32135 - 07/09/13 01:34 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty

Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies "A 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M. "That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much? "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside? "Sure," replies the owner. So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my 16.4?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

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#32383 - 07/25/13 06:16 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Books Never Written Jokes

•‘To the Outhouse’ by Willie Maket, Illustrated by Betty Wont

•‘How to Survive a Bear Attack’ by Ben Eaton

•‘The Yellow River’ by I.P. Daily

•‘Over the Mountaintop’ by Hugo First

•‘Falling Off a Cliff’ by Eileen Dover

•‘The Joys of Drinking’ by Al Coholic

•‘I Was Prepared’ by Justin Case

•‘Smelly Stuff’ by Anita Bath

•‘A Safe Hitchiker’s Guide’ by Ren Tacar

•‘A Sailor’s Adventure’ by Ron A. Ground

•‘Raise Your Arms’ by Harry Pitt

•‘Sitting on the Beach’ by Sandy Cheeks

•‘Something Smells’ by I. Ben Pharting

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#32415 - 07/26/13 07:29 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
In Honor of the Rich Lady Rescued on Mount St. Helens


It was flooding in California. As the flood waters were rising, a man was on the stoop of his house and another man in a row boat came by. The man in the row boat told the man on the stoop to get in and he'd save him. The man on the stoop said, no, he had faith in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood waters kept rising and the man had to go to the second floor of his house. A man in a motor boat came by and told the man in the house to get in because he had come to rescue him. The man in the house said no thank you. He had perfect faith in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood waters kept rising. Pretty soon they were up to the man's roof and he got out on the roof. A helicopter then came by, lowered a rope and the pilot shouted down in the man in the house to climb up the rope because the helicopeter had come to rescue him. The man in the house wouldn't get in. He told the pilot that he had faith in God and would wait for God to rescue him. The flood waters kept rising and the man in the house drowned. When he got to heaven, he asked God where he went wrong. He told God that he had perfect faith in God, but God had let him drown.
"What more do you want from me?" asked God. "I sent you two boats and a helicopter."

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#32510 - 07/30/13 06:55 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
The Outhouse

The service station trade was slow the owner sat around,

With sharpened knife and cedar stick Piled shavings on the ground.



No modern facilities had they, the log across the rill

Led to a shack, marked His and Hers that sat against the hill.



"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?" The owner leaning back,

Said not a word but whittled on, and nodded toward the shack.



With quickened step she entered there but only stayed a minute,

Until she screamed, just like a snake or spider might be in it.



With startled look and beet red face she bounded through the door,

And headed quickly for the car just like three gals before.



She missed the foot log - jumped the stream the owner gave a shout,

As her silk stockings, down at her knees caught on a sassafras sprout.



She tripped and fell - got up, and then in obvious disgust,

Ran to the car, stepped on the gas, and faded in the dust.



Of course we all desired to know what made the gals all do

The things they did, and then we found the whittling owner knew.



A speaking system he'd devised to make the thing complete,

He tied a speaker on the wall beneath the toilet seat.



He'd wait until the gals got set and then the devilish tike,

Would stop his whittling long enough, to speak into the mike.



"Please use the other hole, we're paintin' under here!"

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#32527 - 07/31/13 05:11 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty

Material Damage



A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"

"You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."

"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"

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#32642 - 08/08/13 06:46 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
A Slight Problem with a Rescue

(This allegedly really happened in Canada)

Some guy on drugs jumped over a cliff but did not quite succeed in killing himself.

The rescue team tied his unconscious body into a Stokes litter and proceeded to evacuate by means of a "fixed line flyaway." This means that the litter is suspended a couple of
hundred feet below a helicopter which then flies to a level place where they can set him down (carefully) and either load him in the aircraft or otherwise take further care of him.

The patient is accompanied by one attendant tied into the litter.

This patient began to regain consciousness during the flight. Remember he is flying across the sky and being marginally conscious (as well as probably still feeling the effects of whatever drug he took) probably doesn't notice either the helicopter or the cable attaching him to it.

The attendant, who happens to have a nice bushy beard, notices that the patient is starting to "come around" and in an effort to keep him calm says in his most soothing voice: Don't worry, I'll take care of you. My name is Peter.

The effect was somewhat less soothing than hoped for and the attendant decided that next time he would use a name other than
Peter.

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#32695 - 08/12/13 01:15 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
My New Shoes



SI, BUON GIORNO SENOR!!!

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months.
He walks to work 20 blocks every day
And passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window
To admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...
it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price
Of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
Holds a dance in the church basement.

Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear
His new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and
As they dance he asks her,

'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight,
But how do you know?'
Gennaro answers,
'I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes.
How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance,
And after a few minutes he asks,
' Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do,
But how do you kow that?'
He replies,
'I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes.
How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over
And the last song is being played,
Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face
turns red, eyes welling.
He says,"Carmela, be stilla my heart,
Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,
Please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
"Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight. But why those tears ?"
Gennaro gasps,

'Thanka God; they are tears of relief and joy!!
I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

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#32986 - 08/28/13 07:49 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2235
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
From Sonya via Tarzan's Tripes. Might not be PC.

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6 foot 6 inches, strong as a longhorn and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working — in a West Texas Sheriff’s Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man’s last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good but we have, what you might call, an ‘Attitude Suitability Test,’ that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don’t let anyone wear our badge, son.”

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit.”

“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant.

“You pass,” said the Chief Deputy. “When can you start?”
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#33114 - 09/07/13 12:51 AM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2235
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Jesus, Moses, and Baltimore Jack are hiking the AT when they come to a massive river. Jesus doesn't hesitate, steps out onto the water and calmly walks across to the other side. He turns and looks back at the other two. Moses raises his leki poles to the sky and the water parts. Moses walks on dry land and then turns back to watch the river continue it's normal course. Jack pulls out a flask, takes a swig of rotgut whiskey, lights up an unfiltered camel and says: "that's really impressive guys, but the trail goes this way."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#33212 - 09/12/13 05:32 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty


Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several
months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree
that provided them their only food. Each day one of the
lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a
rescue boat coming...

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just
can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating
in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're
hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman,
face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the
beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God
forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such
a long, long time... So... do you think we should... well...
you know... Screw her?"

"Out of WHAT??" asked the other lawyer.

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#33459 - 09/25/13 10:02 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2235
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Little Tommy wakes up and comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," replied little Tommy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, now he's a little pis*ed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother give him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile and says...

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#33588 - 10/02/13 06:58 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Naked Diet

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!"

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