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#33711 - 10/10/13 12:38 AM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2211
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
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#33742 - 10/11/13 02:40 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex

[b]10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go back at it again.

8. The stranger you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you.

6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else, you already are.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last nine months.


4. If you wear leather and chains, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning from over-indulging.

1. If you don't get what you want at one place, you can always go next door to get more!

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#33800 - 10/15/13 10:47 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2211
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
So it's 1999 and there's this COBOL programmer who's worried about the Millennium Bug. Not only is he expected to fix it, but if he doesn't fix it, he gets the blame for all the COBOL that goes wrong. So he decides to cryogenically freeze himself for ten years - by which time there will hopefully be no COBOL at all!

Eventually he gets woken up. "This is the year 2009?" he asks. "No," say the bald, toga-wearing super-advanced super-human super-scientists who woke him. "There was a programming fault in your cryogenic chamber and it never unfroze you."

"So what year is it?"

"Well, it's actually the year 9999. You've been asleep for eight thousand years."

"But why did you wake me up now?"

"Well, we're worried about the Decamillennium Bug, and it says on your resume that you know COBOL?"
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#33802 - 10/15/13 10:57 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7228
Loc: Fresno, CA
LIKE! like! ...from a geek who wrote lots of COBOL code.

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#33818 - 10/17/13 05:38 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: Steve C]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near.

So he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza." "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown"

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated so much property."

Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the schmuck had a newspaper route."

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#33843 - 10/20/13 07:07 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2211
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Poor old Grandad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time.
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his pants around his feet.

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
The Constable, he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Of red backs quietly creeping and death from outer space.

No one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about.
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials.
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste.
So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,
I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Grandad would pass away that night.
Now I reckon what has happened - poor Grandad didn't know
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Grandad did his dash ..
Well, he always used to hold his breath
Until he heard the splash!!

Note: Found this attributed to "Unknown Author". Since found this:

"Credit to the author Grahame Watt, who is my grandfather, otherwise known within the bush poetry world as 'Skewiff Watty' The correct title of the poem is actually 'Poor Old Grandad!' and the poem was written and published in his book of the same name, 'Poor Old Grandad' released in 2001.

If there is interest in his work he is certainly happy to be contacted directly if required at skewiff80@npes.net.au.
"


Edited by wagga (10/20/13 07:24 PM)
Edit Reason: Attribution
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#33868 - 10/22/13 02:10 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
CROW KILLS

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

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#33944 - 10/31/13 12:08 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
A Cabbie & A Nun


A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, I'm on my way to a Halloween party my outfit is just an old habit."

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#34018 - 11/08/13 11:48 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2211
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
What does a mathematician mermaid wear?

Click to reveal..
An Algeabra
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#34031 - 11/11/13 03:03 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2211
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says, "At school, dad." The robot slaps the son! "OK, I watched a DVD at my friends house"
"What DVD?"
"Toy Story." The robot slaps the son again!
"OK! It was porn" cries the son.
"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" says the dad. The robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs, "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."
The robot slaps the mom.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#34124 - 11/28/13 07:25 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Robot slaps the mom... good one...you made me laugh hard - I needed that after reading the SAR reports which were intense - yikes, people need to prepare for the worst - thanks, wagga and Happy Thanksgiving to you and all on the Whitney Zone.


HEY WZers, have any SILLY JOKES TO SHARE - sure would love to read them - don't be shy, No Joke Is Too Silly - any joke is bound to tickle someone's funny bone - we need more laughter in the world - more smiles too!

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#34127 - 11/28/13 09:38 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2211
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said there had been invented a new machine that would transfer-by kinetic energy a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out.

They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor initially set the pain-transfer level to 10 percent, saying that was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they returned home they found the milkman dead on the porch.
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#34661 - 12/23/13 09:44 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2211
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)


Instead of a recipe for fruitcake, let me give you a recipe for my favorite Christmas cookies. These would go well with Lynn-a-roo's eggnog.

Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle of Crown Royal

Sample the Crown Royal to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Crown Royal again, to be sure it is of the highest quality; pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.

At this point it's best to make sure the Crown Royal is still OK, try another cup ... just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break
2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Crown Royal to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Crown Royal. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Crown Royal and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#34674 - 12/24/13 07:34 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Wagga, how did you know I love Crown Royal, it's great with eggnog, in fact I bought a new bottle today. I'm being serious now, NOT SILLY, I love traditional fruitcake, but I could not find any to buy in any store in Orange County, CA. Seriously people, there is nothing better than a small 9 inch cake that weighs 10 lbs. and that has an 80 proof alcohol content...add a dollop of whip cream and you're in Merry Christmas Heaven.

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#34680 - 12/24/13 11:25 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7228
Loc: Fresno, CA
I like fruit cake, too. But I haven't had a single piece this season. frown

Merry Christmas and Seasons Greetings to everyone.

Here's hoping next year is a good one for you!

Santa-itis at our house tonight. smile


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#34683 - 12/25/13 08:37 AM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: Steve C]
John Sims Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 524
Loc: Sunnyvale, California

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not very many people know this.

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#34689 - 12/25/13 01:43 PM Re: Where are the silly jokes? [Re: John Sims]
saltydog Offline


Registered: 02/03/11
Posts: 1547
Loc: Valley Ford CA!!!!
Thanks, John. I knew it all along, having surmised it - out loud - every year for the past 25 or so. One more thing my kids will finally know I was right about all along.

MX

Dog
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Wherever you go, there you are.
SPOTMe!

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#34694 - 12/25/13 08:19 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
saltydog Offline


Registered: 02/03/11
Posts: 1547
Loc: Valley Ford CA!!!!
_________________________
Wherever you go, there you are.
SPOTMe!

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#34696 - 12/25/13 09:55 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: saltydog]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Merry Christmas Everyone. Steve, John Sims and Salty Dog, you three and Wagga all made me laugh and smile making Christmas even Merrier for me and all the WZers, thank you.

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#34801 - 01/03/14 03:27 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2211
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now, I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."
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