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#41192 - 12/16/14 02:17 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2240
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
The telephone rang in the stately home of Lord Armstrong in North Yorkshire, England and his butler answered the call.

'It's me. Please go to my wife's bedroom and tell her that I'll be home late from the club.'
I'm sorry, Milord, her ladyship is already asleep.'

'Then wake her and tell her, while I hold the 'phone,' the caller demanded.
'Yes, Sir,' the butler replied.

The butler returned and said, 'My Lord, her ladyship's door was locked, and when I knocked, a man's voice told me to go hell.'

The caller then ordered gruffly, 'Damn them! Get a rifle from my collection, break down the door, and shoot them both.'

'Yes, Sir,' the butler responded.

A few minutes later, the butler returned to the 'phone and reported, 'My Lord, I tried my best. I killed your wife, but as I was about to shoot the man, he jumped through the window and into the garden, and ran away.'

The confused caller then said, 'Eh, what garden? There's no garden next to my bedroom window.'

'In that case, Sir, I am afraid you dialled a wrong number. Good day.'
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#41209 - 12/19/14 01:43 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2240
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Like many of us, I'm embarrassed when I can't remember the name of a person after our initial introduction.

My local coffee shop proprietor introduced me to her new worker, Chelsea, recently.

Now, I want you to know that I have a system for remembering names by spotting some characteristic of that person and creating an association, or index as a prompt or hint to recall the name.

In Chelsea's case, what was noticeable was her huge bum (or ass or keister, etc). In fact, you could be excused for thinking she was smuggling a pair of soccer balls.

So the obvious association to me was the English soccer team = Chelsea. So, the striking bum -> soccer -> English team would lead me to the correct name, Chelsea. Magic! No worries!

And so, a few days later when I visited the coffee shop, I confidently romped right up with my superior, foolproof name-remembering system. "Hey, nice to see you again, Arsenal"!
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#41211 - 12/20/14 10:17 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
lol, arsenal!


Wagga, it took me 12 hours to finally "GET" this one. I went to sleep thinking about it, my morning cup of coffee helped stimulate my brain to your humor.

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#41212 - 12/20/14 10:47 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
saltydog Offline


Registered: 02/03/11
Posts: 1553
Loc: Valley Ford CA!!!!
I guess it depends on what syllable in "Arsenal" is accented.
_________________________
Wherever you go, there you are.
SPOTMe!

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#41277 - 01/01/15 11:15 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: saltydog]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2240
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
The Chelsea shaggy dog was posted in Tarzan Stripes.

_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#41278 - 01/01/15 11:18 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2240
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Phone message at the Mental Health Clinic:

Hello! Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!

If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.

If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no one will answer.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.

If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to help worthless people like you.

And thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline!
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#41304 - 01/05/15 05:06 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty

4 FACTS

A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.



2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.


3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.


AND . . .


4. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legitimate.
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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#41753 - 02/10/15 04:10 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan , where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"



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#41757 - 02/11/15 08:15 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
RenoFrank Offline


Registered: 08/06/11
Posts: 426
Loc: Reno, NV
Good one, I shared this.

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#41902 - 03/05/15 01:27 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: RenoFrank]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
An Italian Bank Robbery


A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Dida anyone elsa seea my face?" calls the robber. Then follows a tense minute of silence.
An elderly Italian gentleman, tentatively raises his hand and says,

"I thinka my wife caught a glimpse."

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#42257 - 04/20/15 06:04 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2240
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl."

No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#42438 - 05/07/15 04:53 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Wagga Got His Concealed Gun Permit Yesterday...


...and went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

When Wagga was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Wagga made a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, then did just as he had been instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, Wagga found out she was referring to how he should place his credit card in the card reader!!!

Wagga has been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

Wagga believes they need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
He still doesn't think he looked that bad...




Edited by lynn-a-roo (05/07/15 04:58 PM)

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#42450 - 05/10/15 12:58 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2240
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Two things wrong with the story:

First, it wasn't a 9mm popgun, it was a 50 caliber Desert Eagle (And not chrome!)

Second, after the hysterics, she was stretchered out muttering "Concealed Weapon... Concealed Weapon... Concealed Weapon..."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#42487 - 05/14/15 05:15 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Wagga, while this may be true, it may also be true that the hysterics were caused by people seeing that your nipple rings were caught in your beard, which reminds me that many of us over 50 - WAY over 50 - are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.

And for those of you reading this who are nowhere near 50 yet, keep reading anyway, you'll be there.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:


1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist

11. Bikinis and liver spots

12. Short shorts and varicose veins

13. In-line skates and a walker


And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion:

14. A thong and Depends


Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop so you do not cause a hysterical scene in the store and on the streets.




Edited by lynn-a-roo (05/14/15 06:51 PM)

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#42494 - 05/14/15 11:04 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2240
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
I do find that the unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt with the zipper scar on my chest gets me a little sympathy, perhaps some mercy rather than justice...
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#42619 - 05/21/15 04:15 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2240
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are traveling in a car when Heisenberg gets pulled over for speeding. The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I can tell you exactly where we are." The cop says, "You were clocked at 93 MPH" Heisenberg throws up his hands in despair "Oh great, now we're lost!" The cop looks at Heisenberg strangely and asks "You boys on something? I think I'd better search your vehicle. Pop your trunk open." The cop walks around to the back of the car and calls out "You boys know you've got a dead cat in your trunk?" Schrodinger looks disgusted and says "Well, it is NOW!"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#42627 - 05/21/15 10:42 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7526
Loc: Fresno, CA
Was the cat killed by an unexploded keg of gunpowder? grin

That joke makes my head hurt. I bailed out of quantum chemistry in my last semester of college.

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#42630 - 05/22/15 01:10 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Steve C]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2240
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A mosquito was heard to complain
That chemists had poisoned her brain.
The cause of her sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
diphenyl-trichloroethane.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#42640 - 05/22/15 03:55 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Snacking Bear Offline


Registered: 08/09/11
Posts: 476
Loc: Saugus, CA
I think that your jokes and I have some real chemistry.
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@jjoshuagregory (Twitter & Instagram) for landscape and mountain photo spamming...

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#42645 - 05/23/15 01:15 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Snacking Bear]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2240
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Actually, the first was quantum physics, here is xkcd's "Degree-Off" with discussion.
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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