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#42980 - 06/07/15 01:08 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2234
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Whilst having a medical history taken to address my SOBOE (Shortness Of Breath On Exertion) issues, the following (slightly embellished) conversation occurred.

Doctor: What are your limits on exertion?
Me: I can climb half-way up the back stairs, then need a rest.
Doctor: How many steps?
Me: 12... every time.
Doctor: You have OCD! (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
Me: No, it's CDO - the letters gotta be in alphabetical order.
Doctor: Isn't there a 12-step program for that?
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#43572 - 07/18/15 10:21 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2234
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
The Beanz family arrived in Australia, rented an RV and drove all over the place. Where did they end up?

Click to reveal..
In Cairns
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#43603 - 07/20/15 11:28 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7445
Loc: Fresno, CA
Hmmmmm..... confused

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#43620 - 07/21/15 04:03 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Steve C]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2234
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Originally Posted By: Steve C
Hmmmmm..... confused

It says "Silly Jokes" on the box. Is this better?

Jim sends the following text message to his neighbor, Bob.
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to
confess. I have been helping myself to your wife when
you're not around.
I know it’s no excuse, but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the
guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology.
It won't happen again."

Bob, feeling outrage and betrayed, grabs his gun,
goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.

Moments later Bob gets a second text:
"I really should use spell check! That should be "wifi".......Sorry."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#43631 - 07/22/15 03:36 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Ooops, be sure to always use spell check.

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#43632 - 07/22/15 03:38 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
MEN'S LOGIC

She was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.

Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while she labored away on the weeds, she snapped, "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now!
Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!"

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer.

His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, "Where's my dinner?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

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#43633 - 07/22/15 05:33 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2234
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room piped up, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#43649 - 07/24/15 05:36 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Drought Jokes: “It’s So Dry…” California Edition!

Monday, February 17, 2014 Gayle Leonard


California is facing its worst water shortage in decades. This is somewhat funny, both “curious-funny” and “ha-ha funny” because the state’s severest drought in modern history gives us an excuse to unleash some lame Cali-focused “It’s so dry…” jokes.


California’s so dry…there are red velvet ropes around the fountains.

California’s so dry…couples shower together to save water. Seriously, really.

California’s so dry…all the gyms replaced spinning with pumping and Zumba with Rain Dancing.

California’s so dry…the rain barrels have security guards.

California’s so dry…you’re encouraged to pee in the pool!






Edited by lynn-a-roo (07/24/15 05:37 PM)

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#43801 - 08/04/15 08:45 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Steve C]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
LAUGHING EXERCISE

Steve, I watched the 2nd Silly Joke you posted on 9-13-10 tonight for the first time since you first posted it...I forgot how hilarious this yogi is.

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#44037 - 08/19/15 11:55 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2234
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
'ol Foster has a joke for us.

_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#44054 - 08/21/15 07:55 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
RenoFrank Offline


Registered: 08/06/11
Posts: 422
Loc: Reno, NV
A sailor was ordered to clean the chains on the ship's anchor. As he pushed the broom across the anchor, a tern appeared and landed on his head. "Shoo!" shouted the sailor, angrily grabbing the bird and tossing it overboard. A few minutes later, the tern reappeared, and the sailor again threw the annoying bird overboard.


The next morning, the chief petty officer checked out the sailor's work. "What's the big idea?" said the officer. "I told you I wanted those chains spotless!"

"I'm sorry, sir," said the sailor. "I tossed a tern all night, but I couldn't sweep a link."

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#44079 - 08/22/15 11:06 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Steve C]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2234
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Well, SteveC, when you visit in Cairns - the 100 sign means 100Kph, which is 60 Mph. You could try it on the officer, but I don't think it will wash.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#44085 - 08/23/15 10:49 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7445
Loc: Fresno, CA
wagga, call me sometime. I need to tell you about the time recently when a LEO yelled, "DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!". And then he sped off. And then I said, "Whoa!" and drove off slowly.

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#44105 - 08/25/15 04:55 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Steve C]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
BEST PAY MORE ATTENTION NEXT TIME!!!


A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

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#44128 - 08/28/15 02:36 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2234
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A woman stomps into a drugstore and tells the druggist she wants some poison, poison for human beings. He tells her he can't do that, its against the law and a sin. She yells, but I have proof he is cheating on me with another woman. She pulls out a photo and sure enough, it shows her husband in bed with another woman.
The druggist looks down at the picture and he sees his wife in bed with the mad woman's husband.
Druggist says; "Hell, this is different, why didn't you tell me you had a prescription."
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#44129 - 08/28/15 02:54 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2234
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
There once was a 94 year old nun back in the 1890's whose worn-out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her.

However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day. Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#44502 - 10/09/15 12:57 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2234
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A Mistral Avions de Transport Regional ATR-72-212A on behalf of Alitalia, registration OY-YAB performing flight AZ-1821 from Pantelleria to Trapani (Italy), was enroute when air traffic control informed the crew that a nose wheel had been found on the departure runway and had been identified as belonging to their aircraft.

The crew continued to Trapani, performed a low approach to have the landing gear checked from the ground which confirmed one of the nose wheels was missing, and performed a safe landing.

Passengers were disembarked onto the runway and bussed to the terminal. The Captain and First Officer inspected the nose-gear and returned to the cockpit, requesting a tow to the gate from Ground Control.

Ground Control dispatched a tow, but not before asking the Captain what tune he was humming. It's an old Kenny Rogers song, replied the Captain - "You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose wheel".
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#44755 - 11/04/15 12:27 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2234
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after takeoff, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he"ll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in "u-n-t"?"

Only one word leapt to mind... "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'Aunt.'"

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#44812 - 11/13/15 08:15 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2234
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation. They decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them.

They couldn't help but stare. When she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said, "Good morning Father, good morning Father" nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned; how in the world did she recognize them as priests?

Thinking perhaps they were dressed too sedately, the next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them. Again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads). Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, "Good morning Father, good morning Father" and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"

She giggled and said, "Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? - I'm Sister Kathryn."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#44815 - 11/16/15 02:15 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2234
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
As it is no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any single racial or ethnic group:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a Canadian, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, and an Ethiopian went to a nightclub.

"Sorry," said the bouncer, "I can't let you in without a Thai."
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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