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#49234 - 02/14/17 09:49 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Steve C]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant?

So, because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

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#49235 - 02/14/17 05:46 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7235
Loc: Fresno, CA
Oh my. laugh

That is really good.

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#49596 - 04/17/17 03:09 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Steve C]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
It's that time of the year - the damned tax return.

Like most of us, I find it difficult to get motivated to fill out the freaking complex forms.

Sometimes you just need a ruse to get you started, and then you wonder why it was so hard.

So, I've evolved a method to trick myself make it simpler, and, frankly, less unpalatable.

And it is tricky. First I print out 2 sets of the forms - one to find out what numbers I need, and then the real set which will be mailed to the IRS/ATO.

Next trick is to find a broad-tipped yellow marker. I go through the form, marking boxen which need to be filled in, and leaving the rest empty. Twice.

This can be heartening - the number of numbers to be found is way less than the whole bloody form suggests!

So I go off and find or generate the "yellow" numbers & it all goes swimmingly from there.

I call it the "Yellow Ruse Of Taxes".
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#49633 - 04/22/17 06:10 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Ha,ha,ha that was definitely SILLY grin Is April 15 Aussie tax day too?

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#52188 - 09/16/17 01:28 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#52210 - 09/18/17 07:44 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
+ @ti2d Online


Registered: 10/22/09
Posts: 806
Loc: Oh Cursed, USA
That's gotta hurt.

I read on the internet a coyote also met the same fate.
_________________________
Have fun and enjoy the Gr8 Yd Opn.

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#52340 - 10/07/17 06:23 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: + @ti2d]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
In the 1980s I was working at Bourke, in far western New South Wales. On day I was enjoying a beer in the North Bourke Hotel when a rich-looking city slicker came in and asked the barman what the road to Wanaaring was like. (The road was notorious for being corrugated. Shake the lid of a swaggie's billy, a local once said.)
"Well," the barman replied, "a cove travelled down there six kays recently and had to turn back it was so rough." "Yeah, but look what I'm driving," the man said, proudly pointing to his gleaming, top-of-the-line four-wheel-drive parked outside.
"What was he in?"
The barman replied: "A Cessna, mate".


From R. M. Williams: submitted by Ray McAllister, Dubbo, NSW
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#52403 - 10/27/17 05:00 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
I always think of the Whitney Zone when Halloween comes around. I wonder why that is.


Two Nuns and a Mini Dracula

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car!"

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#52404 - 10/27/17 08:53 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7235
Loc: Fresno, CA
That's pretty cute. laugh

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#52409 - 10/30/17 09:10 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Steve C]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
A BAT STORY



A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"


Edited by lynn-a-roo (10/30/17 09:11 AM)

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#52436 - 11/16/17 02:32 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let's make sure he's dead."

There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#52439 - 11/16/17 07:44 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
RenoFrank Offline


Registered: 08/06/11
Posts: 414
Loc: Reno, NV
A father told each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college, "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

The lawyer is now running for Congress in your district.

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