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#45849 - 04/20/16 01:58 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
+ @ti2d Online


Registered: 10/22/09
Posts: 806
Loc: Oh Cursed, USA
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Navy and eventually became an Admiral. During his career he remained sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for a position on his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him,
"Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well, yes, you seem to be short one ear."

The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral went ahead with the same question.

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses."

The Admiral, impressed, thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one (expletive deleted)in' ear."*



*It is not known if the Sergeant Major got the position...
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Have fun and enjoy the Gr8 Yd Opn.

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#45883 - 04/22/16 11:11 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: + @ti2d]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

Click to reveal..

Nacho Cheese.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#46109 - 05/03/16 11:55 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Scene: a council boating lake. Jobsworth with megaphone:

"Rowboat Number 9, come in, your time is up."

"I said, come in Number 9, YOUR TIME IS UP!"

*thoughtful pause*

"...Number 6, are you in difficulty?"
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#46177 - 05/10/16 12:44 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Gripe sheet

Pilot: Tire pressure low in MLG aft outboard. Needs to be squared away.
Mechanic: Tire squared away as requested.

_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#46358 - 05/21/16 06:04 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
saltydog Offline


Registered: 02/03/11
Posts: 1550
Loc: Valley Ford CA!!!!
So the penguin is out on the JMT one day, and sees a guy at Tyndall Frog Ponds drinking out of a thermos, and asks hey, what's that? This? This is Thermos full of hot soup. Hot soup? How does that work? Silly, its a Thermos! Keeps my hot stuff hot and my cold stuff cold!. Couple days later, at Whitney summit s, the guy sees the penguin again, this time with his own Thermos and says hey, watcha got there? Penguin says proudly, got a new Thermos with my resup in Lone Pine! "Keeps my hot stuff hot and my cold stuff cold". That's right! says the guy. SO, whatcha got in that new Thermos? Penguin, big smile (you should see a penguin smile) says. Tomato soup! And vanilla ice cream!



Edited by saltydog (05/22/16 09:27 AM)
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#46853 - 06/26/16 09:01 PM Where Are the Silly Jokes?
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Donald Trump was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to how he had supported every Native American issue that came to the news media.

Although Mr Trump was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle."

The proud Mr Trump accepted the plaque and then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the Presidential Candidate.

They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of sh*t it can no longer fly.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#46939 - 07/03/16 11:21 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
ha,ha,ha ...Wagga, did you get permission from Steve to post this silly joke?

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#46950 - 07/04/16 07:47 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: saltydog]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Steve, I liked Wagga's joke, I thought it was funny! I was just having fun with you and Wagga by posting my comment. His joke was really cute smile


Edited by lynn-a-roo (07/04/16 07:49 PM)

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#47011 - 07/12/16 01:49 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, ďIt is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.Ē

He then addressed the men:

ďCan you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?Ē

Frank leaned over, touched Annís arm gently, and whispered, ďGold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?Ē

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

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#47012 - 07/12/16 02:35 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7235
Loc: Fresno, CA
like!

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#47013 - 07/13/16 07:29 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Steve C]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No sir, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"


The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on top of his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

he navigator replied, "Well to be honest with you sir, "I'll know when we're lost long before you will."
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#48616 - 10/22/16 12:17 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
What is the most dangerous song? Hint: By a country superstar...

Click to reveal..
Willie Nelson playing "On The Road Again"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#48715 - 11/07/16 02:29 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
This is for + @ti2d, just for today...

Letter From A Farm Kid

(Now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego, Marine Corps Recruit Training)

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to layÖ practically nothing. Men got to shave but itís not so badÖ thereís warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you ítil noon when you get fed again. Itís no wonder these city boys canít walk much.

We go on ďroute marches,Ē which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, itís not my place to tell him different. A ďroute marchĒ is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They donít bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I donít know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and donít move, and it ainít shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You donít even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ainít like fighting with that ole bull at home. Iím about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but Iím only 5'6"; and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.

Your loving daughter,
MarySue
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#48716 - 11/07/16 03:01 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
+ @ti2d Online


Registered: 10/22/09
Posts: 806
Loc: Oh Cursed, USA
Oooooooooooooooooorah...
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#48832 - 11/25/16 12:38 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: + @ti2d]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Here is a Johnny Cash recipe for you. It dates from 1963, and has been popular since, though it was hijacked by the Highwaymen for a decade centered on 1990.

Amass:

Tongmaster Lube: Jack Daniels straight up. Not to worry, none will be wasted in the recipe.
Accelerant: Any spirit rated more than 115-120 proof. Cheap Cognac works. Everclear if legal in your jurisdiction. DO NOT USE METHS!
Hardware: Circular BBQ. Gas-powered Korean BBQ works very well, a Weber kettle with a mat might be OK in the hands of a Tongmaster.
Chook: Boycott the supermarket, go to a reputable butcher and get fresh fryer chicken wings, not nasty old boiler wings. Snip the tips.
Marinade: Your choice. JC preferred weapons-grade Carolina Reaper chili from thechillifactory.com. In any case, bag & chill in fridge overnight.

Performance:

Preheat and season the BBQ. Rice bran oil is exceptionally good here due to it's very high smoke point and unobtrusive flavour.
Place & cook according to your preference. Tongmasters will rotate from the center to the periphery. 4 turns at 4-5 minutes is a good starting point.
When the punters react to the aroma and collect around the altar - TURN OFF THE GAS and drizzle a few snorts of accelerant over the goodies.
Ignite with a long match or a burning arrow shot from afar - whatever the inner pyro is comfortable with...

And there you have it - Johnny Cash's Burning Wing Of Fryer.


Edited by wagga (11/25/16 01:51 AM)
Edit Reason: OSHA
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#48838 - 11/25/16 10:14 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7235
Loc: Fresno, CA
"Burning Wing of Fire" ...sounds like a wagga original.

Nice.

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#49131 - 01/25/17 05:16 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Steve C]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
NORTH DAKOTA FARM KID in the Marines (PARRIS ISLAND MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell
them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till
nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell
Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot,
and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to itch, mash to
mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak,
fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and
Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on
coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you
get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are
long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to
tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our
mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all
ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The
Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride
around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye
is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't
shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to
do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load
your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You
get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful
though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that
ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for
that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once.
He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6 and 130
pounds and he's 6'8 and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

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#49132 - 01/26/17 03:00 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
OP: That's a duplicate.

After the cricket, if when Australia beats Pakistan, then I feel an original coming on...
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#49141 - 01/27/17 07:02 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Back in the day when I lived in Southern California, a very good friend was in a diving club. Although I didn't dive, I hung out with the divers. This was during the time when recreational divers were transitioning from twin tanks to the now-ubiquitious single tank. One bloke, named Dave Harmon, insisted on the dual setup - to the point of being a bit obnoxious. So, I dubbed him "The Egyptian", shared with everybody but him. He never figured out why. And nobody told him. So if Dave happens to read this - Tutankhamun.


Edited by wagga (01/27/17 07:04 PM)
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Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#49142 - 01/27/17 09:32 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7235
Loc: Fresno, CA
That looks like a Wagga Original. Nice work -- I like it!

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