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#7387 - 09/15/10 10:08 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: AlanK]
CaT Offline


Registered: 09/24/09
Posts: 694
Loc: Blacklick, OH (formerly SoCal)
Quote:
No need -- wagga's on a roll!

I thought that was the ravens...
_________________________
If future generations are to remember us with gratitude rather than contempt, we must leave them more than the miracle of technology. We must leave them a glimpse of the world as it was in the beginning, not just after we got through with it.
- Lyndon Johnson, on signing the Wilderness Act into law (1964)

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#7516 - 09/17/10 08:09 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: CaT]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2170
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Mohandas Ghandi walked thousands of miles barefoot. His feet were like leather. He ate very little, mostly grains. As a result of his diet, he was very frail, sometimes had visions due to hunger, and developed bad breath.
He was the super-calloused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#7521 - 09/17/10 09:55 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
CaT Offline


Registered: 09/24/09
Posts: 694
Loc: Blacklick, OH (formerly SoCal)
I've been saving this one for years.
If you've done much flying, you'll understand perfectly.

Quote:
NOW LISTEN UP, LITTLE SCREAMERS
by Steve Marmel


NEW YORK - I was flying one early morning on TWA, which on this particular junket stood for "turbulent while airborne," and all that thrashing about was making the children on board a tad unruly.

The adults on the plane, myself included, just wanted to sleep. It's not that we despise children, we just despise children in airplanes.

If parents think a safety seat is protection for their kids, they'd be even smarter to keep them from people like myself: frightened, edgy and tense at 35,000 feet. The tolerance-to-altitude ratio is of inverse proportions. This flight was a case study as to why there should either be an airline devoted solely to screaming children or kiddie seats bolted to the wings.

There were two of them, a little boy and a little girl, who were running laps in the cabin. They'd dart back and forth, then fight: "I won!" "No! I won!"

They would cry for their mother who, rolling underneath the felt napkin airlines call a blanket, whispered, "Let mommy sleep."

That phrase acted as a starter pistol, and the next lap began.

Everybody was getting annoyed. A few travelers stuck their feet into the aisle, but the kids took the hurdles like pros.

Finally, I leaned out of my seat, asking, "Ma'am, could you calm your kids down?" Several weary travelers grunted in agreement.

"They're obviously bored," she said, sending them on another lap. "Why don't you tell them a story?"

Bad move. The boy and girl sat down next to me, and while I may have been a little severe, I make no apologies (sleep deprivation does that to a person).

"This is the story," I said quietly, "of the little boy and little girl who wouldn't shut up!"

I'm not certain how the middle went, but I ended it with, "and the angry crowd killed the little children and placed their heads on sticks!"

There was a moment of sweet and total silence before the kids screamed the kind of scream that shatters glass.

The kids bolted back to their mom (the boy won), asking all sorts of questions about mob rule. When the mother exited the plane, she had those raccoon eyes, hinting she'd stayed awake the rest of the flight.

No one was certain. We all slept like babies.
_________________________
If future generations are to remember us with gratitude rather than contempt, we must leave them more than the miracle of technology. We must leave them a glimpse of the world as it was in the beginning, not just after we got through with it.
- Lyndon Johnson, on signing the Wilderness Act into law (1964)

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#7567 - 09/19/10 05:47 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: CaT]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2170
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
On a flight from Sydney to Brisbane on an Ansett Convair flight, a baby let loose with an awesome performance. It could even be heard over the roar of the mighty radials.
One of the passengers, instantly recognizable as the sex-kitten Brigitte Bardot, stepped out from First Class and approached the frazzled mother. With a look to the mother that only females understand (remember the language barrier) she picked up the shrieking child and pressed to her <umm, let's move on here...>. In a few seconds the baby did the thumb-in-the-mouth trick, and in a minute it was fast asleep. Handing the baby back to the mother, she headed back to her own seat. At that that instant, the bloke next to the aisle-seat bloke poked him in the ribs & said "if I were sitting where you are sitting, I'd start howling & crying right now".


Edited by wagga (09/19/10 06:04 PM)
Edit Reason: Brigitte!
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#7569 - 09/19/10 08:33 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
AlanK Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 583
Loc: Glendale, CA
I think this thread just merged with the "Remembering when (for the over-50 crowd!)" one.

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#7583 - 09/20/10 12:58 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: AlanK]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2170
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
It was a dark and stormy afternoon.

Patricia Whack, the loan officer at a small bank was sitting at her desk when there was sudden Plop! Plop!.

A big green frog had jumped up to the guest chair, then onto her desk!.

She observed that the frog was wearing a tiny Murse (Man Purse), and glistened with shiny raindrops.
"And who might you be?", she asked, startled.

"I'm Kermit Jagger", he replied, "and I'm here to get a loan".

Recovering gracefully, she asked "What kind of loan, Kermit?"

And the frog, said "A solar system for the pad, to save the environment".

Patricia then said "We have a very good loan program at 5.75% with only 20% down, if you live on the pad".

And Kermit flatly stated, "I want a nothing down loan!"

"Well, Kermit", Patricia said, "In that case, itsallgood, provided you have some collateral".

So Kermit dug into his Murse, and presented Patricia with a tiny, shiny object wrapped in tinfoil.

She unwrapped it, only to find a tiny ceramic elephant.

"Well", she said, "I need to talk to the Vice President. I'll be back real soon!"

So Patricia stepped down the hallway to the Vice Presidents office, filled him in on the story, and gave him the shiny object.

He opened it, and said "It's a knicknack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone".
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#7588 - 09/20/10 09:47 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 6782
Loc: Fresno, CA
> It's a knicknack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone


OK, I've repeated this phrase in my head often enough that I have lost the original line. I know it ends with:

"...give a dog a bone, this old man went rolling home."

But what is the first part??? crazy

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#7592 - 09/20/10 11:41 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Steve C]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2170
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Here it is.

This old man, he played one,
He played knick-knack on my thumb. (on a drum, on my tongue)
With a knick-knack, paddy whack,
Give a dog a bone,
This old man came rolling home.

"The term "Paddywack" was used from at least the early nineteenth century to describe an angry person, specifically a "Brawny Irishman". From at least the 1970s sensitivity over possible racism has meant that the song is often sung as "Knick-knack patty-whack", particularly in the United States."

And, you have been warned, - do not Google "Give a dog a bone".
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#7657 - 09/21/10 09:23 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Try to get that song out of your head tomorrow at work....lol

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#7664 - 09/22/10 05:59 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2170
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Veteran Pillsbury spokesmodel Pop-N-Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, and Betty Crocker. The gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima gave the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much time on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#7862 - 09/27/10 07:50 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: CaT]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 618
Loc: OrangeCounty
With luminous, dark clouds hovering overhead, three men (QS, Bulldog & Wagga) decided to ignore signs of bad weather and began hiking through the Whitney Zone when all of a sudden the skies opened up pouring down rivers of rain from the Portal to the summit, thus creating a large, raging, violent river in what was once a meandering creek.
Needing to get to the other side, QS prayed: 'please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof!.. he was given big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, Bulldog prayed: 'please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.'
Poof! .. he was given a row boat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to QS and Bulldog, Wagga prayed: 'please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'
Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

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#7866 - 09/27/10 10:34 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
SoCalGirl Offline


Registered: 12/06/09
Posts: 225
Loc: Spring Valley, CA
Originally Posted By: lynn-a-roo
With luminous, dark clouds hovering overhead, three men (QS, Bulldog & Wagga) decided to ignore signs of bad weather and began hiking through the Whitney Zone when all of a sudden the skies opened up pouring down rivers of rain from the Portal to the summit, thus creating a large, raging, violent river in what was once a meandering creek.
Needing to get to the other side, QS prayed: 'please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof!.. he was given big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, Bulldog prayed: 'please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.'
Poof! .. he was given a row boat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to QS and Bulldog, Wagga prayed: 'please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'
Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.


Lynn... I've heard this one before... throwing our friends under the bus...er ... um... adding familiar names made me laugh all the more!

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#7870 - 09/28/10 04:45 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Bulldog34 Offline


Registered: 11/12/09
Posts: 1244
Loc: Atlanta
Somehow, I see my bride-of-17-years nodding vigorously . . .


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#7871 - 09/28/10 06:49 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Bulldog34]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2170
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A couple has a little girl. They take her to visit another couple who are parents of a little boy. For a while the children sit patiently as the adults discuss their religious beliefs, but eventually they get bored. They go outside and wander about till they come to a creek with a good swimming hole.

It's a hot and humid day so they decide to cool off by going skinny dipping. They go into the bushes and take off their clothes. Then they emerge from the bushes.

The little girl looks at the little boy and yells, "I didn't know Catholics were THAT different from Protestants!"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#7876 - 09/28/10 09:23 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
quillansculpture Offline


Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 552
Loc: Murrieta, CA
wagga......after I crossed the raging river, I noticed something I had never seen before.......you have quite a nice rear!

Also.....I cannot tell you how many times I've repeated and e-mailed the Mohandas Ghandi joke!!! As a matter of fact, it was the one thing I kept repeating during my adventure on Mt Baldy a couple of weeks ago, especially after we got back to a place I knew we were safe. My friend got real tired of me repeating: super-calloused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis

It kind of does show our age though, as only my older kids understood it.
_________________________
"Turtles, Frogs & other Environmental Sculpture"

www.quillansculpturegallery.com
twitter: @josephquillan

If less is more, imagine how much more, more is -Frasier

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#7886 - 09/28/10 05:55 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: quillansculpture]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 618
Loc: OrangeCounty
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack hiking the Whitney Zone. The family drove wildly from the Portal to get him to the closest emergency room in Lone Pine.
After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs, headlamp, hiking boots and a long face.
Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks in horror and shock!
"We've never had a ___________ in the family before".

Fill in the blank:
a. Hibernating bear
b. Zombie
c. Larry King
d. Wagga

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#7888 - 09/28/10 06:11 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Bulldog34 Offline


Registered: 11/12/09
Posts: 1244
Loc: Atlanta
Lynn, I'm abstaining on that one. I'll remark, though, that the funniest thing about the joke is the concept of an emergency room in Lone Pine . . .

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#7889 - 09/28/10 06:12 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Bulldog34]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 618
Loc: OrangeCounty
Bulldog,

Did you see the joke I posted last night. Scroll up a ways and you'll see it.

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#7890 - 09/28/10 07:07 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Bulldog34 Offline


Registered: 11/12/09
Posts: 1244
Loc: Atlanta
Yeah - see my response re my wife?

I almost added that Bulldog would simply be patient and wait out the raging stream. I've had just a little bit of experince in that . . .

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#7895 - 09/28/10 10:29 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Bulldog34]
quillansculpture Offline


Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 552
Loc: Murrieta, CA
Gary....that story of when you went on a simple hike and ended up staying overnight in the mud and waiting for that "flash" flooded stream to recede was epic. I really felt for you on that :-)
_________________________
"Turtles, Frogs & other Environmental Sculpture"

www.quillansculpturegallery.com
twitter: @josephquillan

If less is more, imagine how much more, more is -Frasier

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