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#7896 - 09/29/10 04:19 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: quillansculpture]
Bulldog34 Offline


Registered: 11/12/09
Posts: 1247
Loc: Atlanta
And really - I looked for a bridge. Honest . . .

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#7898 - 09/29/10 10:26 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Bulldog34]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Sorry for the very politically incorrect joke I'm about to tell.
An Asian couple Mr. and Mrs. Wong go to the hospital to have their baby.
The baby is delivered and brought to the nursery. The baby appears to be completely caucasian and very white.
Mr. Wong looks at the baby and says "two Wongs don't make a white."
So they named the baby Sum Ting Wong.

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#7905 - 09/29/10 01:36 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Rod]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty
Rod,ha,ha, cute joke. The joke I posted above where you can fill in the blank was originally a political joke (fill in your political party), but I changed it. I hope wagga doesn't mind, I'm just having fun with him since he's the big jokester of the Whitney Zone. No harm intended, same goes for QS & Bulldog in another joke.

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#7957 - 10/01/10 01:16 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
A man gets a call from his doctor and says "I have the results of your tests. "I have bad news. and worse news."
The man almost faints but pulls himself together and said "that's terrible well give me the bad news first."
The Dr. says "The tests revealed you have only 24 hours to live"
The man screams "what could be worse than that?"
The Dr. says "I should have called you yesterday."


Edited by Rod (10/01/10 01:17 PM)

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#7962 - 10/01/10 02:53 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2183
Loc: (3 ˙dod) ɥɔ;...
My Grandmother was quite sedentary until she was about 60. Her doctor told her she needed to walk 6 miles a day if she wanted to live to 90. She just recently turned 90 and we have no idea where she is.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#7968 - 10/01/10 04:14 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
CMC2 Offline


Registered: 11/04/09
Posts: 160
Loc: CO
Now that is some WALK ABOUT

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#7971 - 10/01/10 06:26 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: CMC2]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw
herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her "You have so much to
live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe
tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. "I'll take care of you, bring
you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go
to Europe, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then
on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her
until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine
inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food
and I get a free trip to Europe."

"I see," the captain says.

"Plus," she adds, "He's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

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#7978 - 10/01/10 08:03 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Rod]
quillansculpture Offline


Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 552
Loc: Murrieta, CA
I stole this joke....pretty funny though:

Three Hikers who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
_________________________
"Turtles, Frogs & other Environmental Sculpture"

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#7980 - 10/01/10 08:16 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: quillansculpture]
Whitney Fan Offline


Registered: 12/02/09
Posts: 213
Loc: Las Vegas
OK, I give in . . .

One warrior in an Indian tribe had a persistent problem with an upset stomach. So, naturally, he visited the medicine man at his tent.

The medicine man listened carefully to the symptoms and gave the complaining Indian a leather thong to take with him, advising him to chew on it for the next 7 days and then report back to him.

The Indian did just that and reported back to the medicine man a week later.

He was asked if there had been any improvement, and he had to reply, unfortunately, that, "No, things are still painful in the gut." So the medicine man suggested that he continue his regimen for another week and report back to him again.

After another week at chewing the thong, the Indian visited the medicine man again. Frustratingly, he reported that the thong was being well bitten into but for some reason his stomach problems persisted. The sage medicine man offered that, "Well, these things are often a function of enough time going by before the problem is cured." He directed yet another week of chewing and a third follow-up visit to him at that time.

So the week went by, and the Indian STILL was suffering, but dutifully reported back to the medicine man, who naturally asked him about the current status, to which there was only one logical reply: "The thong is gone but the malady lingers on."

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#7981 - 10/01/10 09:09 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Whitney Fan]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty
Rod, Wagga, and QS had me cracking up, but this last one I don't get at all. Would someone like to explain the punchline to me?

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#7982 - 10/01/10 09:26 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks at the other cannibal and asks" Does this taste funny to you?"

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#7983 - 10/02/10 12:18 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 6961
Loc: Fresno, CA
Originally Posted By: lynn-a-roo
Would someone like to explain the punchline to me?

> The thong is gone but the malady lingers on
The song is gone but the melody...

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#7993 - 10/02/10 02:12 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Steve C]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 625
Loc: OrangeCounty
Thank you, Steve, makes sense now.

Rod, I like your clown joke.

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#8018 - 10/03/10 04:05 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2183
Loc: (3 ˙dod) ɥɔ;...
The skinny dip story above is actually the first of the Little Tommy jokes. There are hundreds, if not thousands of Little Tommy jokes, but, alas, few can be told here.

Mrs. Downsport, Little Tommie's mother, was called to a conference with the school principal. "Tommy", he said, "was caught peeing in the swimming pool". "Well", Mrs. Downsport said, "most, if not all the kids pee in the pool". "Possibly true", said the principal, "but not from the top of the 10-meter diving board!".

Tommie's nickname, incidentally, is "Kangaroo". Any guesses why?
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#8022 - 10/03/10 06:35 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."
The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay" And he makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am.
I'm the Devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

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#8029 - 10/03/10 10:02 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Rod]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded
on a deserted island for over 10 years,
saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"


As the speck got closer and closer,
he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit
stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"


"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit
and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway,
"That is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve,
unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink.
" 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit,
right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,
"And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!

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#8031 - 10/03/10 10:26 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Rod]
Whitney Fan Offline


Registered: 12/02/09
Posts: 213
Loc: Las Vegas
A fellow in his street clothes walked to the end of a pier to relax, and maybe see some fish.

He remembered he had to shop after this, and reached into his pocket to retrieve his wallet to check how much cash he had on him.

He was clumsy -- and the wallet fell into the water.

Wondering what he would do about this predicament, his sitution worsened as he saw a carp swim up and SWALLOW the wallet!

Just shocked and stunned, he paused a moment -- only to see an even bigger carp swim up to swallow the carp that had swallowed his wallet.

Wondering if events could get any stranger, sure enough -- an even BIGGER carp swam up and swallowed the carp that had swallowed the carp that had swallowed his wallet.

But at this point he relaxed, because he realized that he was indeed fortunate to be able to witness the start of carp to carp walleting.

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#8034 - 10/04/10 11:44 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Whitney Fan]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Whitney Fan.......Groan
Some of my favorite jokes are "Groaners" that is a groaner...lol

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#8050 - 10/04/10 03:54 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Rod]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
A Calgary man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the
scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with
milk, sugar and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his butt.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

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#8122 - 10/05/10 08:27 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Rod]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
The North Dakota Department of Labor claimed a small Bismarck farmer
was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Department of Labor employee: I need a list of your employees and how much
you pay them.

Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand that's been with me for 3 years. I pay him
$200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every
day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per
week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every
Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

NCDL employee: That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one.

Farmer: That would be me.

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