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#8129 - 10/05/10 10:15 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Rod]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7952
Loc: Fresno, CA
Rod wrote:
> Farmer: That would be me.

You had me going, Rod. Really good one. grin

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#8132 - 10/06/10 06:15 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Steve C]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2249
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A deeply unpopular President went driving around town, seeking ideas to make him popular, or at least to leave a good legacy.

He came upon the Washington monument. He said, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." He thought about this for a few seconds and continued driving.

Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."

He continued driving after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?" After a few seconds Abe replied "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#8158 - 10/06/10 05:16 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Especially for wagga

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'


23.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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#8160 - 10/06/10 07:44 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2249
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
12) (and only #12) is new to me.

A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer."Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman."Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice."You're under 18," replies the barman.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#8163 - 10/06/10 11:08 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
Whitney Fan Offline


Registered: 12/02/09
Posts: 213
Loc: Las Vegas
On my 18th birthday my mother told me she had a special party arranged for me, with a gift I'd really enjoy.

The festivities started and she showed me one of the most elaborately decorated cakes I'd ever
seen -- BOY did it look great!

Then she opened the door to my bedroom, and lounging provocatively on my bed was an extremely sexy looking blonde gal, dressed in the most risque lingerie I'd ever seen. Her coy wink my way almost pushed me over the edge. Mom said, "That's Edith."

Then my mother said, "Happy Birthday, son. I'm afraid I can only afford giving you just one of these two gifts. Which one will it be?"

I was aghast, and asked, "Mom, you've got to be kidding me! Isn't there any way I can enjoy both that beautiful cake you've made as well as this fine woman you've lured into my den? Why can't I enjoy both gifts"

"Son, as you know, you can't have your cake and Edith too."

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#8192 - 10/08/10 01:14 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

"If you can't get rid of that skeleton in your closet, then you'd best teach it to dance." -George Bernard Shaw

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#8411 - 10/19/10 05:20 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
This is a Wagga Style Joke:






Subject: Tenjooberrymuds

I was recently in Miami and decided to learn the Spanish language, so I could
understand the check-outs at McDonalds.
My next move is to learn Indian, so I can understand my doctors and the person
that answers the phone when I have a warranty problem.

Yep, by the time I read this, I was able to understand the 1st line.

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...
In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn
the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until
you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel
guest and room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today.......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... Don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes'
means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...
Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say.."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".......and you do, don't you!








*******************************************************************

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#8415 - 10/19/10 06:11 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2249
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has
been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for
short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".
Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the
hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up
konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters,
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil
agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is
disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" by z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand
ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#8421 - 10/19/10 07:31 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Love boff of those tu jokes.I have heard variations of boff.
A young hispanic boy was told to use the words green and yellow in a sentence.
The boy said OK. The phone was going, green,green and I answerd "yellow".

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#8445 - 10/20/10 01:38 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2249
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
The teacher was discussing different jobs held by the parents of the students. When she called on Little Tommy, she asked, "And what does your father do?"

"Oh, he's a magician," replied Tommy.

"Really? And what's his best trick?"

"His best trick is sawing people in half."

"Wonderful!" exclaimed the teacher. "Tell me, are there any more children in your family?"

"Yes ma'am, I have a half brother and two half sisters."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#8532 - 10/22/10 02:11 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Subject: No Speakah de english

At a bus stop2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: "Emma come first.
Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."

I WAGER YOU ARE GONNA READ THIS AGAIN

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#8536 - 10/22/10 05:19 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2249
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he talked with the organist to see what kind of inspirational music she could play after the announcement about the finances to get the congregation in a giving mood. "Don't worry," she said. "I'll think of something." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." Just at that moment, the organist started playing "The Star Spangled Banner."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#8537 - 10/22/10 05:37 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
A foursome of eldely gentlemen were just getting ready to tee off when a funneal procession came down the street.One of the gentlemen took off his hat and held it over his heart.
The other three said "Wow that is a nice gesture."
The man said "It is the least I could do.She was a good wife and we would have been marrried 40 years this week."


Edited by Rod (10/22/10 05:38 PM)

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#8549 - 10/23/10 10:45 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Rod]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
LIFESAVERS

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)
Of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God!! They're a_ _holes!'

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#8557 - 10/24/10 05:50 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2249
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Brittany. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#8563 - 10/24/10 03:04 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Once upon a time there was a man who was simply tired of life and wanted to get away from everyone and everthing so he decided that he would join a monastery and become a monk. It just so happens that the monastery he joined was very strict and allowed its monks to say only two words every five years.

After five years, the man met with the head monk and was asked if he had anything to say, to which the man replied, "bed hard".

Another five years went by and the man met with the head monk again and was asked if he had anything to say, to which the man replied, "food bad".

After another five years, the man met again with the head monk and was asked if he had anything to say, to which the man said, "I quit", to which the head monk responded, "it's about time, you've done nothing but complain since you arrived".

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#8565 - 10/24/10 04:13 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2249
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A backwoods country bumpkin came into a huge amount of money and decided to hire an architect to build a mansion.

The architect is excited to hear that money is no object. Old Earl says:

" I don't care too much what's in the place, just make it real nice like. You know, with a separate bedroom for each of my 14 kids, and one for grandpa."

"Oh, an' one for Uncle Ted since he'll be visitin' right much."

"An' put in some other bedrooms for all the folks from back at the ol' homeplace. That otta do it."

"Err, right-o" says the architect. "Anything else -- and what kind of style did you have in mind?"

Earl ponders.....
"Well, I recon' the style don't matter much. Just be sure it has all the most modern do-wackys installed. I want it to be 100% complete and perfect. If you're the right man for the job, you'll know what to do without bothern' me any with all them details."

Architect says "Right-o"

Oh, Earl says: " Be sure to have a halo-statue in eavery darn room. That'll be just the thang."

Architect goes away and draws and plans then gets back up in the woods to show it all to Old Earl: "So, what do you think?"

Earl ponders a bit.....
"Seems right good, all nice and purty. Go ahead and get it done."

A while later....
Architect is showing Earl around the mansion..... "Your kitchen is here, and the walk-in cooler over here, the back patio is over this way....." and on and on through all the rooms. The architect is quite proud of the job.

"So, Earl, how do you like it?"

Earl ponders a bit....
"Seems nice, but you forgot the one thing I really wanted."

Architect looks aghast. "What? What did we leave out????"

"I told you I wanted a halo-statue in eveary room and it ain't done."

Architect says, "Well, we looked all over and couldn't come up with just he right thing... Tell me, now, just what is this halo-statue?"

Earl looks at the man and says: "You're a smart man, how come you don' know what a halo-statue is?"

Architect ponders a bit...."Err, no. What's a halo-statue?"

Exasperated, Earl says " You know, a halo-statue. It sits on a desk, or counter, or hangs on a wall and you pick it up an' say 'halo-statue?'"


    ....(hint: Hello? Is that you?)
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#8566 - 10/24/10 04:22 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
The day was finally here, the young man was about to become a citizen of the U.S.A. upon passing his final oral exam with a judge presiding.

The judge says to the man, "I would like for you to orally give me a sentence using three words. The words are:
1. Green
2. Pink
3. Yellow

The man ponders the question for a minute or two and then responds with this sentence:

De phone go green green, I pink it up and say yellow.

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#8567 - 10/24/10 04:39 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
OK Lynn-a-roo.Look up a few of my jokes ago.Look a bit familar?You got to read the jokes posted. You can't just post them.

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#8569 - 10/24/10 04:49 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2249
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Beethoven's manservant came to tender his resignation. Poor Ludwig was distraught: "Heinrich! Whatever will I do without you? You are a jewel of a servant, and what is more, my most fruitful inspiration!" Heinrich was amused. "Master is pleased to jest. What, a genius like him who has already written four of the most divine symphonies ever to grace the ear of the listener? Inspired by a tuneless clod like me? Why, that is funny! Ha-ha-ha-haaa! Ha-ha-ha-haaa!"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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