Mt Whitney Webcam
Mt Williamson Webcam
Feature Topics
Who's Online
0 registered (), 13 Guests and 47 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
3255 Members
13 Forums
5335 Topics
49556 Posts

Max Online: 382 @ 11/07/12 05:45 AM
Page 5 of 41 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 ... 40 41 >
Topic Options
#8570 - 10/24/10 04:55 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Rod]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Oh man, are you serious?! I'm trying to do homework and keep up with wagga. Rod, sorry for trampling on your joke territory, honestly, it was an honest mistake.

Top
#8571 - 10/24/10 06:09 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Ok, I searched the WZ for Redneck Love Poem and didn't find it on the WZ.

Redneck love poem
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,

SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.

SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,

SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.



PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,

YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.

I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,

BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.



SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE

AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.

BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,

HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL."



YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,

AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.

BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'

I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.



BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,

JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.

MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;

YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.



Brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?

Top
#8572 - 10/24/10 06:19 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2211
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 under the baton of Milton Katims.

Now at this point, you must understand two things:

1. There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews.

When they got there, a European nobleman recognized that they were musicians, and bought them several rounds of drinks. Two of the bassists passed out, and the rest of the section, not to mention the nobleman, were rather drunk. Finally, one of them looked at his watch and exclaimed, "Look at the time! We'll be late!"

The remaining bassists tried in vain to wake up their section mates, but finally those who were still conscious had to give up and run across the street to the Opera House.

While they were on their way in, the bassist who suggested this excursion in the first place said, "I think we'll still have enough time--I anticipated that something like this could happen, so I tied a string around the last pages of the score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

Sure enough, when they got back to the stage they hadn't missed their entrance, but one look at their conductor's face told them they were still in serious trouble. Katims was furious! After all...

It was the bottom of the Ninth,
the basses were loaded,
the score was tied,
there were two men out,
and the Count was full.

A note here: I have attended a live Dodgers game, and watched only one other baseball game on TV. This game. It ended well.


Edited by wagga (10/24/10 06:49 PM)
Edit Reason: Personal experience.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

Top
#8576 - 10/25/10 09:30 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Lynn-a-roo I was just teasing. This is the silly joke section.Redundant jokes are OK
Speaking of redundant jokes.
A man goes to prison and on his 1st day he hears an inmate yell out "Number 3" and everyone laughed.
The new guy asks his cellmate "what was that?"
The cellmate answers "we have been here so long that we memorized all the jokes and numbered them.Instead of telling the whole joke that everyone already knows we just call out the number and if its a funny joke everyone laughs.
The new guys studies all the jokes and decides to tell his 1st joke.
He yells out NUMBER 7. Nobody laughed.
He turns to his cellmate and ask "What's going on? Number 7 is a really funny joke."
Cellmate answers "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."

wagga what a great game to watch. I remember exactly where I was at when Gibson hit that homerun. My wife and I were celebrating our anniversary at our favorite restaurant.On the way to pick up our kids at grandmas we were in the car listening to the game on radio.I stopped the car in the middle of the intersection and conducted a Chinese fire drill running around the car sceaming.


Edited by Rod (10/25/10 09:40 AM)

Top
#8582 - 10/25/10 12:43 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Rod]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Rod, thank you for being so understanding....which reminds me of a joke....

Understanding Engineers - Wife vs. Mistress

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" they asked.

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Top
#8590 - 10/25/10 03:41 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
So a Priest and a Rabbi are discussing when life begins.
The Priest says "Life begins at conception."
The Rabbi rubs his beard and says slowly. Hmmmm Life begins when the kids move out and the dog dies."

Top
#8594 - 10/25/10 04:32 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2211
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
There was a chicken farmer who lived in a village in China. One year his chickens were afflicted with a strange blight that caused them to lose their feathers. The farmer was deeply concerned about this because winter was coming and if the chickens had no feathers, they would freeze to death. So, the farmer decided to consult the two wisest men in the land. First, he visited Mr. Hing, the renowned scholar. Mr. Hing leafed through all his agricultural and medicinal texts and pored over books and scrolls well into the night. Finally, he returned to the farmer and told him that if he crushed the leaves of a gum tree into powder, made it into tea, and fed it to his chickens, they would be cured.

The farmer then went to Mr. Ming, the great seer. Mr. Ming cast stones, read tea leaves, and poked through entrails until finally he came up with the answer: "As surely as gum causes a shoe to stick to the ground, tea made from gum leaves will cause feathers to stick to chickens."

Now the farmer was ecstatic. The two wisest men in the land had given him exactly the same prescription. So, as soon as he returned home, he took some gum leaves and made tea from them. He mixed this with the chicken feed and fed it to his chickens. But it didn't work. The chickens continued to lose their feathers, and, with the onset of winter, they all froze.

The moral of this story: All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

Top
#8597 - 10/25/10 04:44 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7228
Loc: Fresno, CA
Wagga, where in the world do you find those? grin

Top
#8599 - 10/25/10 05:01 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Steve C]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2211
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Passed along around the campfire. You know, oral history.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

Top
#8600 - 10/25/10 05:10 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Classic wagga.

Top
#8604 - 10/25/10 05:35 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2211
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Let's recall one of those campfires.

It was on Santa Cruz Island.

Salient facts:

1) SteveC trundled down to the beach & built a driftwood stack about 8 feet high in a fire ring.

2) We carried 30 liters of wine for 30 campers. Many campers carried private supplies. Good private supplies.

3) We had about 3 gallons of unused Colemans, which we didn't want to carry home.

4) Some of the campers thought the flames were 50 feet high, but the ranger said they were only about 30 feet.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

Top
#8677 - 10/26/10 04:41 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2211
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Once upon a time, in a far-off land, there was a kingdom
in which the king was fond of history and ancient things.
He would collect historical objects, dress in royal threads
from bygone eras, and generally try to live ancient traditions.

One day the king issued a royal proclamation, as kings are
wont to do now and then. Of course, he wrote the proclamation
in the language of 200 years ago, rich in antiquated spellings,
obsolete words, now-defunct verb forms, etc.

The general population, of course, could make neither head nor
tail of the proclamation. A vast legal muddle ensued. The
courts, called upon to untangle the mess, pronounced a ruling
that, henceforth, all royal proclamations must be written in
modern, currently accepted prose.

In other words, we can't have archaic and edict, too.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

Top
#8734 - 10/27/10 06:21 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
A Father came home from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike.
"Where did you get the money for that?" he asked. "It must have cost over 300 dollars!"
"I earned it hiking," replied the boy.
"Hiking??? Come on son, tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. Where did you Really get the cash from?"
"It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr Johnson from the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a 20 dollar bill and tell me to take a hike"


Why are skeletons so calm, cool and collected?
Because nothing gets under their skin.

Top
#8766 - 10/28/10 11:58 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wazzu Offline


Registered: 06/20/10
Posts: 319
Loc: Orange County, CA
This was sent to me last year, and with the approaching holiday season I thought it was a good time to post. It is long, but well worth the time to read.


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23 rd , starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will
be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

*********

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on,
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating
Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas
carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

*************

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

**********
Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in
little foil doggy baggy.. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that
no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about
confusion in the restrooms.. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the
food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste
a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the
restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

************
Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All %*%^* Employees

DATE: October 5, 2009

RE: The %*%^* Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian freaks!!! We're going to keep this party
at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at
the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,
and you'll get your %*%^* salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you
know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you %*%^* wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a
rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

**********
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and
I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23 rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

Top
#8776 - 10/29/10 05:26 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wazzu]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Wazzu,

LOL, I love it, the holidays are upon us and every office manager in charge of the holiday party would love this joke...IT'S SO TRUE!!!....I just sent it to our office manager where I work.

Top
#8780 - 10/30/10 06:14 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2211
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake.
There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had
been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that
they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would
take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and
readied themselves for the fight. The first
kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were
busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second
kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at
that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third
kingdom, there was only one knight, with his one squire. This squire
took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He
busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own
armor. When the hour of battle came, the three kingdoms sent their
squires out to fight ( this was too trivial a matter for the knights to
join in ). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person
left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the
squires from the other kingdoms.

I guess this just proves that the squire of the high pot and noose is
equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

Top
#8785 - 10/30/10 03:14 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7228
Loc: Fresno, CA
I dunno, wagga, that one might be just a bit too mathematical for us. wink

Top
#8786 - 10/30/10 03:59 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
Bee Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 1261
Loc: Northern California
Originally Posted By: wagga
I guess this just proves that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.



Originally Posted By: steve C
I dunno, wagga, that one might be just a bit too mathematical for us. wink



A2+B2= C2




Pythagorean's Theorem
_________________________
The body betrays and the weather conspires, hopefully, not on the same day.

Top
#8788 - 10/30/10 06:10 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Bee]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2211
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Is this easier?

It seems that there were these 3 pregnant Indian Squaws, all due to give
birth at about the same time. The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the
birthing was done on a deer hide. The 2nd also gave birth to a boy, but this
was done on a bear hide. And, the third had twins, two boys, and
she did this on a hippopotamus hide.

I guess this shows us that the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus hide
is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

Top
#8789 - 10/30/10 06:29 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2211
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Or this?

THE POET'S WILL
The Moslem poet, Abdul-El-Hashiff,
wrote sonnets, not the usual specialty
of his own culture, but he felt that if
he could disseminate his poetry
he'd find a bride. In fact he did so well
he married three, to each of which he wrote
for the few months he lived. In that short spell
Abdul became a poet of some note.
He loved his brides, although I ought to mention
he loved the most one for whom hypertension
had been a chronic problem. We heard news
he'd left her half his wealth. His will provides
as follows: "The share of the hypertense muse
equals the sum of the shares of the other two brides."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

Top
Page 5 of 41 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 ... 40 41 >