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#9243 - 11/24/10 03:55 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 624
Loc: OrangeCounty
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps
it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package
between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

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#9251 - 11/26/10 10:14 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2174
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Here in the place of business, we have a 10 inch ledge which runs all the way around the fifth floor of the the building. Those little, furry animals with bushy tails have taken to running around on the ledge seeking the frequent handouts that certain staff members give them. Outside my office, however, they prefer to sit quietly and listen to my shaggy dog stories. This goes to show, of course, that squirrels just wanna have pun.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9252 - 11/26/10 12:57 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 6827
Loc: Fresno, CA
For anyone flying this holiday season, from the TSA (Transportation Security Administration):

"We handle more packages than UPS"

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#9253 - 11/26/10 04:16 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: Steve C]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2174
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
You need to get flying pasties.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9270 - 11/29/10 11:43 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 624
Loc: OrangeCounty

Little girl on a plane
>
>
> A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane
> when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's
> talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike
> up a conversation with a fellow passenger.'
>
> The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it
> slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to
> talk about?'
>
> 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How
> about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
>
> 'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting
> topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
> and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer
> excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
> and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
> suppose that is?'
>
> The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
> intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no
> idea.'
>
> To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
> qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
> shit?'

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#9274 - 11/29/10 06:29 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2174
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
This is not so much a silly joke as an anecdote.

Several decades ago, a small group of us software types flew the LAX-BOS red eye to MacWorld. We had about 30 passengers on a 150-seat A320.

Shortly after takeoff, the co-pilot (Sorry, First Officer) came wandering down the aisle.

At that time, the Mississippi river was experiencing record flood levels. I asked the First Officer (FO) if he would be so kind as to tell us when the Mississippi was in sight. He sat down with us and we proceeded to tell flight squawk jokes...

Pilot to Maintenance: "Dead bugs on the windscreen" - Maintenance: Live bugs on back order".

Pilot to Maintenance: "Autoland rough" - Maintenance: "Autoland not installed on aircraft"

Pilot to Maintenance: "Left main gear tire almost needs replacing" - Maintenance: "Left main gear tire almost replaced"

And so forth...

Then the FO went forward and the Pilot in Command (PIC) came directly to us, sat down & we did a lot more flight jokes.

For the rest of the trip, the front office announced "We're banking, get on the left side to see Bryce Canyon". And "Get on the right side, this is the Grand Canyon". And lots more.

A personal guided tour of America at Mach 0.85.

Post 9/11, that just won't happen anymore.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9400 - 12/05/10 02:46 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2174
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The angel at the gate, remembering the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died.

"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home to catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him!

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could find to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.

"OK. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9434 - 12/06/10 03:26 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 624
Loc: OrangeCounty
Short Funny Xmas Story


Just before Xmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the lift (elevator) at the Ritz Hotel in London. As the lift travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a 50 note lying on the lift's floor.

Which one picked up the 50 note, and handed it in at reception?

Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!

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#9512 - 12/08/10 02:44 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2174
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
There has been some trolling lately, so here's some punishment.

The realm of King Arthur was sorely beset by the encroachments of the Saxons. Sadly, there were few Knights left to fight them. King Arthur, despairing the probable downfall of Camelot, turned once again to Merlin, his friend and wisest adviser.

"Merlin, I fear that this time even your great resources will not avail us at this critical time." (Kings speak in that phony kind of prose so you'll have to excuse him) "We shall never be able to turn back the Saxons without many more Knights. The Round Table is sorely depleted, and I have little hope."

"Fear not, my King" said Merlin. "I have a plan. Bring me parchment and ink and all your scribes. Then bring me the youth of the nearby peasants, the stable boys, and the young servants of the castle. I shall give you your Knights!"

"Merlin, oh Merlin, I fear you've lost your wisdom. It takes years to become a Knight. One must grow in experience, be tested in battle and character... It cannot be done" said Arthur.

"Trust me, my King" said Merlin. "I have devised a method of creating Knights on the instant."

Soon, as bidden, the male youth of the nearby peasantry were summoned to Camelot, along with the stable boys and the younger servants. Merlin had them arrayed in a single line that stretched almost as far as the eye could see. One by one, each young man stepped up to a table beneath a pavilion where Merlin sat. The humble youth entered, full of fear and not knowing what to expect. As they passed Merlin, he handed each one a piece of parchment with the seal of Camelot printed upon it by the scribes. Each parchment and the image upon it was exactly like the others. Miraculously, as each young man took the parchment and placed it on his forehead, a change took place in him.

They all stood taller, stronger -- their eyes flashed with confidence and power. As they exited the pavilion, each one was truly a powerful Knight! They were handed their swords and given great horses to ride and galloped off to do battle. Nearly a thousand of the humble became Knights that single day. History tells us that they were successful and helped preserve Camelot for yet another generation.

Merlin, of course, is known to this day, as the inventor of the Printed Sir Kit.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9567 - 12/13/10 12:06 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
+ @ti2d Offline


Registered: 10/22/09
Posts: 728
Loc: Oh Cursed, USA
Okay, here is my one and perhaps only contribution to this thread.

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Three years ago I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as MLB 5.0, NFL 3.0, Fishing 7.2, Shooting 4.1, Meganap 4.0 (as in hours) and Mt. Whitney 14.5.

(+ @ti2d note: DID I SAY THAT?) whistle

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail..

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate Wifey-pooh of + @ti2d

-----------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DESPERATE WIFEY-POOH OF + @TI2D,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0, Flowers 3.5, and Passion 6.9.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 4.30. Please note that Beer 4.30 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0. (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

(+ @ti2d note: Boy, do I know that! Especially with FIL 1.02...back to the joke...)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

(+ @ti2d note: HL 7.7?! YOWZAH! Humminah, humminah)

Good Luck!
Tech Support



Merry Christmas everyone!


Have fun...

_________________________
Have fun and enjoy the Gr8 Yd Opn.

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#9568 - 12/13/10 02:17 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: + @ti2d]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2174
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
I was flying from Seattle to Fresno. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?"

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!



Now we get to the joke...

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines spin up and the airplane starts moving.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9570 - 12/13/10 03:23 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes [Re: wagga]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 6827
Loc: Fresno, CA
+@ti2d, that's a great joke. I'll have to show my wife. I like the Whitney-oriented additions.

Wagga, you need to add the video of that Russian behemoth (barely) taking off.
...Edit: ok, here it is:

              "The Vodka Burner is rolling"

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#9610 - 12/16/10 04:14 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Steve C]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2174
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A man is defending himself at trial after having been caught by a park ranger just as he roasting a Spotted Owl over his illegal campfire.

After reading the charges, the judge, well known for his environmental sympathies, gravely announced that since the species concerned is in danger of imminent extinction, he would have to make an example out of the defendant.

The man, waxing eloquent, said he was very sorry for what he'd done, but that he was totally destitute and needed the bird to need his hungry children. All he had to his name, he said, his voice cracking with emotion, was the little bit of bird shot he had left in his gun.

The judge took off his glasses to wipe a tear from the corner of his eye, and after regaining his composure, told the defendant he would let him go with a warning this time.

The man beamed with pride as he started out of the courtroom.

Just then, the judge called out, "Oh, by the way, what does a Spotted Owl taste like?"

The man's face came alive as he turned around and said, "Your honor, it's hard to describe. Sort of a cross between a Bald Eagle, a Whooping Crane and a California Condor."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9642 - 12/19/10 11:45 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 624
Loc: OrangeCounty
Christmas Queue Folly

Just before Christmas I was shopping at a toy faire in Worcester.

I glanced to my left and caught sight of a queue at the doll counter; they were waiting for the shelves to be restocked with Mattel dolls. As I looked I realised that in the queue was a good friend of mine. Knowing Lennie well I was sure that he had no daughters nor did he have any nieces so I wondered why he should want to buy a doll at Christmas time'

'Hey, Lennie,' I cried, 'I hadn't realised you collected dolls.'
'I don't,' he replied laughing'

'Really,' I queried, 'then you must be buying a Christmas present then?'
'No, not at all, my friend,' responded Lennie, his eyes twinkling merrily'

'If you don't mind my asking then Lennie,' I said, 'Why exactly are you standing in this particular queue?'

'Oh that,' he giggled. 'It's like this, my mate,' he mused, 'I've never been able to resist a Barbie queue.'


Edited by lynn-a-roo (12/19/10 11:45 AM)

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#9644 - 12/19/10 12:29 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2174
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
I get it!



Edited by wagga (12/19/10 12:30 PM)
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9645 - 12/19/10 02:24 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Thanks for all the jokes they were much needed.
So an airplane is flying along and the pilot makes the usual announcements on the live overhead microphone but forgets to turn off the microphone.
He announces to his co-pilot which is being heard by the entire plane.
"I'm going to the back to take a big dump and then I am going to screw that new Stewardess."
A Stewardess hears the announcement and immediately screams running to the cockpit to let the pilot know about his gaffe.
A little lady grabs the Stewardess and says
"Slow down Honey, he said he had to take a dump first"

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#9646 - 12/19/10 04:06 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2174
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test...

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#9651 - 12/20/10 02:26 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psychopath

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick


8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Cinco.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

Now, admit it... at least one of these made you smile.


***

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

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#9653 - 12/20/10 03:57 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
KevinR Offline


Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 572
Loc: Manchester, NH
"19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag."


A variation on the above:

A: With a Harley you get 2 Dirt Bags.

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#9668 - 12/21/10 05:10 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: KevinR]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2174
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
During the Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, "I could beat Karpov with no problem".

"Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time."

"That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!"

Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel. "But, why?" a bystander asked.

"Because," the manager replied "I hate chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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