I was hoping to find some silly jokes in the Chat Room, but haven't found any yet. I wanted to tell silly jokes as we hiked. Since I can't find any her yet, I'll leave one that I borrowed from another site.
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.
They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
Oh my goodness, I'm at a loss for words after watching your response, actually I think I'm in shock....WHAT WAS THAT ! ? ! ? I guess you liked my Holmes/Watson joke. Hey, you're silly.
Dear llyn-a-roo: I've exercised massive restraint, but, in the end, you asked for it.
PRILEP, Yugoslavia (AP) - Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significant historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years.
When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia.
However, that isn't likely to happen soon as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health.
By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.
Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army.
The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site.
It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system, and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant.
When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.
And that's how it ends: No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.
Lynn, when I saw your post last night I almost replied, "Be careful what you wish for - wagga will see this!"
And he did. You will not get the typical, "Priest, rabbi and minister walk into a bar . . . " out of our singular Aussie commentator. When he gets warmed up, the limericks will begin . . .
If you want more, go to the bottom of the front page of this forum and change the display to 'show all for the last year' and then search 'wagga'.
Then search for a thread 'Remember when...'
I just bumped it to the top of the Chat Room page so it's easy to find. One of the best threads the site's ever had. Gary's initial post (+ @ti2d Gary, not Bulldog34 Gary) is just classic.
giggle, snort, Oh My Goodness, I'm exhausted from this one. I didn't think it would end, I was intent on every word, love the ending...I could finally exhale. Can't wait to read more of your jokes. I'll have to follow wazzu's directions to more silliness, first I need to go home. Talk to ya'll later.
I live near a small town and farming community, and the following event happened to a friend of mine, a farmer named Ken Kellog. Ken raises sheep, and he has this surly, unpredictable ram which boldly tries to escape the pasture at any opportunity. He also has quite a temper (the ram, not Ken). A bunch of ravens had their nests near by -- about twenty ravens in all. Ten ravens make up a swoop, just like more than four sheep are a flock, etc. Anyways, these ravens loved to harass the ram. They'd fly down into the field and caw at him until he charged at them. Then they'd all fly upward, and the ram would crash into the fence. Once, though, one of the ravens didn't get out of the way in time, and he was crushed against the fencepost. The others decided to get revenge. When Farmer Kellog came out to check on his sheep one day, he forgot to lock the gate properly. The ravens, working together, pushed it open, and lured the ram out into the hayfield. They flew towards the bailing machine, the ram bleating furiously all the way. At the last moment, the ravens pulled up -- and the ram ran straight into the bailer. He came out the other side in a mangled package. Twenty big black birds came to perch upon him, satisfied, leaving the farmer with two swoops of ravens on a package of Kellog's brazen ram.
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected, smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant, and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope.
Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called "Pope Secola."
Mohandas Ghandi walked thousands of miles barefoot. His feet were like leather. He ate very little, mostly grains. As a result of his diet, he was very frail, sometimes had visions due to hunger, and developed bad breath. He was the super-calloused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.
I've been saving this one for years. If you've done much flying, you'll understand perfectly.
Quote:
NOW LISTEN UP, LITTLE SCREAMERS by Steve Marmel
NEW YORK - I was flying one early morning on TWA, which on this particular junket stood for "turbulent while airborne," and all that thrashing about was making the children on board a tad unruly.
The adults on the plane, myself included, just wanted to sleep. It's not that we despise children, we just despise children in airplanes.
If parents think a safety seat is protection for their kids, they'd be even smarter to keep them from people like myself: frightened, edgy and tense at 35,000 feet. The tolerance-to-altitude ratio is of inverse proportions. This flight was a case study as to why there should either be an airline devoted solely to screaming children or kiddie seats bolted to the wings.
There were two of them, a little boy and a little girl, who were running laps in the cabin. They'd dart back and forth, then fight: "I won!" "No! I won!"
They would cry for their mother who, rolling underneath the felt napkin airlines call a blanket, whispered, "Let mommy sleep."
That phrase acted as a starter pistol, and the next lap began.
Everybody was getting annoyed. A few travelers stuck their feet into the aisle, but the kids took the hurdles like pros.
Finally, I leaned out of my seat, asking, "Ma'am, could you calm your kids down?" Several weary travelers grunted in agreement.
"They're obviously bored," she said, sending them on another lap. "Why don't you tell them a story?"
Bad move. The boy and girl sat down next to me, and while I may have been a little severe, I make no apologies (sleep deprivation does that to a person).
"This is the story," I said quietly, "of the little boy and little girl who wouldn't shut up!"
I'm not certain how the middle went, but I ended it with, "and the angry crowd killed the little children and placed their heads on sticks!"
There was a moment of sweet and total silence before the kids screamed the kind of scream that shatters glass.
The kids bolted back to their mom (the boy won), asking all sorts of questions about mob rule. When the mother exited the plane, she had those raccoon eyes, hinting she'd stayed awake the rest of the flight.
On a flight from Sydney to Brisbane on an Ansett Convair flight, a baby let loose with an awesome performance. It could even be heard over the roar of the mighty radials. One of the passengers, instantly recognizable as the sex-kitten Brigitte Bardot, stepped out from First Class and approached the frazzled mother. With a look to the mother that only females understand (remember the language barrier) she picked up the shrieking child and pressed to her <umm, let's move on here...>. In a few seconds the baby did the thumb-in-the-mouth trick, and in a minute it was fast asleep. Handing the baby back to the mother, she headed back to her own seat. At that that instant, the bloke next to the aisle-seat bloke poked him in the ribs & said "if I were sitting where you are sitting, I'd start howling & crying right now".
This old man, he played one, He played knick-knack on my thumb. (on a drum, on my tongue) With a knick-knack, paddy whack, Give a dog a bone, This old man came rolling home.
"The term "Paddywack" was used from at least the early nineteenth century to describe an angry person, specifically a "Brawny Irishman". From at least the 1970s sensitivity over possible racism has meant that the song is often sung as "Knick-knack patty-whack", particularly in the United States."
And, you have been warned, - do not Google "Give a dog a bone".
Veteran Pillsbury spokesmodel Pop-N-Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, and Betty Crocker. The gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima gave the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much time on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
With luminous, dark clouds hovering overhead, three men (QS, Bulldog & Wagga) decided to ignore signs of bad weather and began hiking through the Whitney Zone when all of a sudden the skies opened up pouring down rivers of rain from the Portal to the summit, thus creating a large, raging, violent river in what was once a meandering creek. Needing to get to the other side, QS prayed: 'please give me the strength to cross the river.' Poof!.. he was given big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, Bulldog prayed: 'please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.' Poof! .. he was given a row boat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to QS and Bulldog, Wagga prayed: 'please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.' Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
With luminous, dark clouds hovering overhead, three men (QS, Bulldog & Wagga) decided to ignore signs of bad weather and began hiking through the Whitney Zone when all of a sudden the skies opened up pouring down rivers of rain from the Portal to the summit, thus creating a large, raging, violent river in what was once a meandering creek. Needing to get to the other side, QS prayed: 'please give me the strength to cross the river.' Poof!.. he was given big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, Bulldog prayed: 'please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.' Poof! .. he was given a row boat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to QS and Bulldog, Wagga prayed: 'please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.' Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
Lynn... I've heard this one before... throwing our friends under the bus...er ... um... adding familiar names made me laugh all the more!
A couple has a little girl. They take her to visit another couple who are parents of a little boy. For a while the children sit patiently as the adults discuss their religious beliefs, but eventually they get bored. They go outside and wander about till they come to a creek with a good swimming hole.
It's a hot and humid day so they decide to cool off by going skinny dipping. They go into the bushes and take off their clothes. Then they emerge from the bushes.
The little girl looks at the little boy and yells, "I didn't know Catholics were THAT different from Protestants!"
wagga......after I crossed the raging river, I noticed something I had never seen before.......you have quite a nice rear!
Also.....I cannot tell you how many times I've repeated and e-mailed the Mohandas Ghandi joke!!! As a matter of fact, it was the one thing I kept repeating during my adventure on Mt Baldy a couple of weeks ago, especially after we got back to a place I knew we were safe. My friend got real tired of me repeating: super-calloused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis
It kind of does show our age though, as only my older kids understood it.
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack hiking the Whitney Zone. The family drove wildly from the Portal to get him to the closest emergency room in Lone Pine. After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs, headlamp, hiking boots and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating." "Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks in horror and shock! "We've never had a ___________ in the family before".
Fill in the blank: a. Hibernating bear b. Zombie c. Larry King d. Wagga
Gary....that story of when you went on a simple hike and ended up staying overnight in the mud and waiting for that "flash" flooded stream to recede was epic. I really felt for you on that :-)
Sorry for the very politically incorrect joke I'm about to tell. An Asian couple Mr. and Mrs. Wong go to the hospital to have their baby. The baby is delivered and brought to the nursery. The baby appears to be completely caucasian and very white. Mr. Wong looks at the baby and says "two Wongs don't make a white." So they named the baby Sum Ting Wong.
Rod,ha,ha, cute joke. The joke I posted above where you can fill in the blank was originally a political joke (fill in your political party), but I changed it. I hope wagga doesn't mind, I'm just having fun with him since he's the big jokester of the Whitney Zone. No harm intended, same goes for QS & Bulldog in another joke.
A man gets a call from his doctor and says "I have the results of your tests. "I have bad news. and worse news." The man almost faints but pulls himself together and said "that's terrible well give me the bad news first." The Dr. says "The tests revealed you have only 24 hours to live" The man screams "what could be worse than that?" The Dr. says "I should have called you yesterday."
My Grandmother was quite sedentary until she was about 60. Her doctor told her she needed to walk 6 miles a day if she wanted to live to 90. She just recently turned 90 and we have no idea where she is.
A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her "You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. "I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe."
"I see," the captain says.
"Plus," she adds, "He's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Three Hikers who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
One warrior in an Indian tribe had a persistent problem with an upset stomach. So, naturally, he visited the medicine man at his tent.
The medicine man listened carefully to the symptoms and gave the complaining Indian a leather thong to take with him, advising him to chew on it for the next 7 days and then report back to him.
The Indian did just that and reported back to the medicine man a week later.
He was asked if there had been any improvement, and he had to reply, unfortunately, that, "No, things are still painful in the gut." So the medicine man suggested that he continue his regimen for another week and report back to him again.
After another week at chewing the thong, the Indian visited the medicine man again. Frustratingly, he reported that the thong was being well bitten into but for some reason his stomach problems persisted. The sage medicine man offered that, "Well, these things are often a function of enough time going by before the problem is cured." He directed yet another week of chewing and a third follow-up visit to him at that time.
So the week went by, and the Indian STILL was suffering, but dutifully reported back to the medicine man, who naturally asked him about the current status, to which there was only one logical reply: "The thong is gone but the malady lingers on."
The skinny dip story above is actually the first of the Little Tommy jokes. There are hundreds, if not thousands of Little Tommy jokes, but, alas, few can be told here.
Mrs. Downsport, Little Tommie's mother, was called to a conference with the school principal. "Tommy", he said, "was caught peeing in the swimming pool". "Well", Mrs. Downsport said, "most, if not all the kids pee in the pool". "Possibly true", said the principal, "but not from the top of the 10-meter diving board!".
Tommie's nickname, incidentally, is "Kangaroo". Any guesses why?
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?" Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt. Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay" And he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle. As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the Devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "That is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!
A fellow in his street clothes walked to the end of a pier to relax, and maybe see some fish.
He remembered he had to shop after this, and reached into his pocket to retrieve his wallet to check how much cash he had on him.
He was clumsy -- and the wallet fell into the water.
Wondering what he would do about this predicament, his sitution worsened as he saw a carp swim up and SWALLOW the wallet!
Just shocked and stunned, he paused a moment -- only to see an even bigger carp swim up to swallow the carp that had swallowed his wallet.
Wondering if events could get any stranger, sure enough -- an even BIGGER carp swam up and swallowed the carp that had swallowed the carp that had swallowed his wallet.
But at this point he relaxed, because he realized that he was indeed fortunate to be able to witness the start of carp to carp walleting.
A Calgary man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his butt.
The North Dakota Department of Labor claimed a small Bismarck farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
Department of Labor employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand that's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
NCDL employee: That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one.
A deeply unpopular President went driving around town, seeking ideas to make him popular, or at least to leave a good legacy.
He came upon the Washington monument. He said, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." He thought about this for a few seconds and continued driving.
Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."
He continued driving after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?" After a few seconds Abe replied "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer."Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman."Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice."You're under 18," replies the barman.
On my 18th birthday my mother told me she had a special party arranged for me, with a gift I'd really enjoy.
The festivities started and she showed me one of the most elaborately decorated cakes I'd ever seen -- BOY did it look great!
Then she opened the door to my bedroom, and lounging provocatively on my bed was an extremely sexy looking blonde gal, dressed in the most risque lingerie I'd ever seen. Her coy wink my way almost pushed me over the edge. Mom said, "That's Edith."
Then my mother said, "Happy Birthday, son. I'm afraid I can only afford giving you just one of these two gifts. Which one will it be?"
I was aghast, and asked, "Mom, you've got to be kidding me! Isn't there any way I can enjoy both that beautiful cake you've made as well as this fine woman you've lured into my den? Why can't I enjoy both gifts"
"Son, as you know, you can't have your cake and Edith too."
Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating 10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask. 5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest. 4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. 1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
"If you can't get rid of that skeleton in your closet, then you'd best teach it to dance." -George Bernard Shaw
I was recently in Miami and decided to learn the Spanish language, so I could understand the check-outs at McDonalds. My next move is to learn Indian, so I can understand my doctors and the person that answers the phone when I have a warranty problem.
Yep, by the time I read this, I was able to understand the 1st line.
"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"... In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".
With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in. Now, here goes...
The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today.......
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by " v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Love boff of those tu jokes.I have heard variations of boff. A young hispanic boy was told to use the words green and yellow in a sentence. The boy said OK. The phone was going, green,green and I answerd "yellow".
The teacher was discussing different jobs held by the parents of the students. When she called on Little Tommy, she asked, "And what does your father do?"
"Oh, he's a magician," replied Tommy.
"Really? And what's his best trick?"
"His best trick is sawing people in half."
"Wonderful!" exclaimed the teacher. "Tell me, are there any more children in your family?"
"Yes ma'am, I have a half brother and two half sisters."
At a bus stop2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he talked with the organist to see what kind of inspirational music she could play after the announcement about the finances to get the congregation in a giving mood. "Don't worry," she said. "I'll think of something." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." Just at that moment, the organist started playing "The Star Spangled Banner."
A foursome of eldely gentlemen were just getting ready to tee off when a funneal procession came down the street.One of the gentlemen took off his hat and held it over his heart. The other three said "Wow that is a nice gesture." The man said "It is the least I could do.She was a good wife and we would have been marrried 40 years this week."
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) Of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste. 'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're a_ _holes!'
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Brittany. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
Once upon a time there was a man who was simply tired of life and wanted to get away from everyone and everthing so he decided that he would join a monastery and become a monk. It just so happens that the monastery he joined was very strict and allowed its monks to say only two words every five years.
After five years, the man met with the head monk and was asked if he had anything to say, to which the man replied, "bed hard".
Another five years went by and the man met with the head monk again and was asked if he had anything to say, to which the man replied, "food bad".
After another five years, the man met again with the head monk and was asked if he had anything to say, to which the man said, "I quit", to which the head monk responded, "it's about time, you've done nothing but complain since you arrived".
A backwoods country bumpkin came into a huge amount of money and decided to hire an architect to build a mansion.
The architect is excited to hear that money is no object. Old Earl says:
" I don't care too much what's in the place, just make it real nice like. You know, with a separate bedroom for each of my 14 kids, and one for grandpa."
"Oh, an' one for Uncle Ted since he'll be visitin' right much."
"An' put in some other bedrooms for all the folks from back at the ol' homeplace. That otta do it."
"Err, right-o" says the architect. "Anything else -- and what kind of style did you have in mind?"
Earl ponders..... "Well, I recon' the style don't matter much. Just be sure it has all the most modern do-wackys installed. I want it to be 100% complete and perfect. If you're the right man for the job, you'll know what to do without bothern' me any with all them details."
Architect says "Right-o"
Oh, Earl says: " Be sure to have a halo-statue in eavery darn room. That'll be just the thang."
Architect goes away and draws and plans then gets back up in the woods to show it all to Old Earl: "So, what do you think?"
Earl ponders a bit..... "Seems right good, all nice and purty. Go ahead and get it done."
A while later.... Architect is showing Earl around the mansion..... "Your kitchen is here, and the walk-in cooler over here, the back patio is over this way....." and on and on through all the rooms. The architect is quite proud of the job.
"So, Earl, how do you like it?"
Earl ponders a bit.... "Seems nice, but you forgot the one thing I really wanted."
Architect looks aghast. "What? What did we leave out????"
"I told you I wanted a halo-statue in eveary room and it ain't done."
Architect says, "Well, we looked all over and couldn't come up with just he right thing... Tell me, now, just what is this halo-statue?"
Earl looks at the man and says: "You're a smart man, how come you don' know what a halo-statue is?"
Architect ponders a bit...."Err, no. What's a halo-statue?"
Exasperated, Earl says " You know, a halo-statue. It sits on a desk, or counter, or hangs on a wall and you pick it up an' say 'halo-statue?'"
Beethoven's manservant came to tender his resignation. Poor Ludwig was distraught: "Heinrich! Whatever will I do without you? You are a jewel of a servant, and what is more, my most fruitful inspiration!" Heinrich was amused. "Master is pleased to jest. What, a genius like him who has already written four of the most divine symphonies ever to grace the ear of the listener? Inspired by a tuneless clod like me? Why, that is funny! Ha-ha-ha-haaa! Ha-ha-ha-haaa!"
Oh man, are you serious?! I'm trying to do homework and keep up with wagga. Rod, sorry for trampling on your joke territory, honestly, it was an honest mistake.
Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 under the baton of Milton Katims.
Now at this point, you must understand two things:
1. There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page. 2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews.
When they got there, a European nobleman recognized that they were musicians, and bought them several rounds of drinks. Two of the bassists passed out, and the rest of the section, not to mention the nobleman, were rather drunk. Finally, one of them looked at his watch and exclaimed, "Look at the time! We'll be late!"
The remaining bassists tried in vain to wake up their section mates, but finally those who were still conscious had to give up and run across the street to the Opera House.
While they were on their way in, the bassist who suggested this excursion in the first place said, "I think we'll still have enough time--I anticipated that something like this could happen, so I tied a string around the last pages of the score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
Sure enough, when they got back to the stage they hadn't missed their entrance, but one look at their conductor's face told them they were still in serious trouble. Katims was furious! After all...
It was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, the score was tied, there were two men out, and the Count was full.
A note here: I have attended a live Dodgers game, and watched only one other baseball game on TV. This game. It ended well.
Lynn-a-roo I was just teasing. This is the silly joke section.Redundant jokes are OK Speaking of redundant jokes. A man goes to prison and on his 1st day he hears an inmate yell out "Number 3" and everyone laughed. The new guy asks his cellmate "what was that?" The cellmate answers "we have been here so long that we memorized all the jokes and numbered them.Instead of telling the whole joke that everyone already knows we just call out the number and if its a funny joke everyone laughs. The new guys studies all the jokes and decides to tell his 1st joke. He yells out NUMBER 7. Nobody laughed. He turns to his cellmate and ask "What's going on? Number 7 is a really funny joke." Cellmate answers "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."
wagga what a great game to watch. I remember exactly where I was at when Gibson hit that homerun. My wife and I were celebrating our anniversary at our favorite restaurant.On the way to pick up our kids at grandmas we were in the car listening to the game on radio.I stopped the car in the middle of the intersection and conducted a Chinese fire drill running around the car sceaming.
Rod, thank you for being so understanding....which reminds me of a joke....
Understanding Engineers - Wife vs. Mistress
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they asked.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
So a Priest and a Rabbi are discussing when life begins. The Priest says "Life begins at conception." The Rabbi rubs his beard and says slowly. Hmmmm Life begins when the kids move out and the dog dies."
There was a chicken farmer who lived in a village in China. One year his chickens were afflicted with a strange blight that caused them to lose their feathers. The farmer was deeply concerned about this because winter was coming and if the chickens had no feathers, they would freeze to death. So, the farmer decided to consult the two wisest men in the land. First, he visited Mr. Hing, the renowned scholar. Mr. Hing leafed through all his agricultural and medicinal texts and pored over books and scrolls well into the night. Finally, he returned to the farmer and told him that if he crushed the leaves of a gum tree into powder, made it into tea, and fed it to his chickens, they would be cured.
The farmer then went to Mr. Ming, the great seer. Mr. Ming cast stones, read tea leaves, and poked through entrails until finally he came up with the answer: "As surely as gum causes a shoe to stick to the ground, tea made from gum leaves will cause feathers to stick to chickens."
Now the farmer was ecstatic. The two wisest men in the land had given him exactly the same prescription. So, as soon as he returned home, he took some gum leaves and made tea from them. He mixed this with the chicken feed and fed it to his chickens. But it didn't work. The chickens continued to lose their feathers, and, with the onset of winter, they all froze.
The moral of this story: All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen.
Once upon a time, in a far-off land, there was a kingdom in which the king was fond of history and ancient things. He would collect historical objects, dress in royal threads from bygone eras, and generally try to live ancient traditions.
One day the king issued a royal proclamation, as kings are wont to do now and then. Of course, he wrote the proclamation in the language of 200 years ago, rich in antiquated spellings, obsolete words, now-defunct verb forms, etc.
The general population, of course, could make neither head nor tail of the proclamation. A vast legal muddle ensued. The courts, called upon to untangle the mess, pronounced a ruling that, henceforth, all royal proclamations must be written in modern, currently accepted prose.
In other words, we can't have archaic and edict, too.
A Father came home from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike. "Where did you get the money for that?" he asked. "It must have cost over 300 dollars!" "I earned it hiking," replied the boy. "Hiking??? Come on son, tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. Where did you Really get the cash from?" "It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr Johnson from the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a 20 dollar bill and tell me to take a hike"
Why are skeletons so calm, cool and collected? Because nothing gets under their skin.
This was sent to me last year, and with the approaching holiday season I thought it was a good time to post. It is long, but well worth the time to read.
Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23 rd , starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
*********
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
*************
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
********** Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
************ Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All %*%^* Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE: The %*%^* Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian freaks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your %*%^* salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you %*%^* wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
********** Company Memo FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23 rd off with full pay.
LOL, I love it, the holidays are upon us and every office manager in charge of the holiday party would love this joke...IT'S SO TRUE!!!....I just sent it to our office manager where I work.
There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his one squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight ( this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in ). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other kingdoms.
I guess this just proves that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
It seems that there were these 3 pregnant Indian Squaws, all due to give birth at about the same time. The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the birthing was done on a deer hide. The 2nd also gave birth to a boy, but this was done on a bear hide. And, the third had twins, two boys, and she did this on a hippopotamus hide.
I guess this shows us that the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus hide is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.
THE POET'S WILL The Moslem poet, Abdul-El-Hashiff, wrote sonnets, not the usual specialty of his own culture, but he felt that if he could disseminate his poetry he'd find a bride. In fact he did so well he married three, to each of which he wrote for the few months he lived. In that short spell Abdul became a poet of some note. He loved his brides, although I ought to mention he loved the most one for whom hypertension had been a chronic problem. We heard news he'd left her half his wealth. His will provides as follows: "The share of the hypertense muse equals the sum of the shares of the other two brides."
Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says,
President Eisenhower's mother had a sister; this lady constantly had trouble in bright sunshine because her nose was so sensitive that the skin peeled off every summer.
Her doctor made a simple remedy, a small cone of paper (like a Dunce's cap) which she stuck onto her nose at the first sign of sun.
There was once an agricultural extension of a community college that was into growing big fruit. Now we're really talking big fruit here: they grew blueberries the size of oranges and strawberries the size of grapefruits. Not only were they big, but they were also the sweetest, juiciest, most luscious fruit you've ever tasted. Realizing the commercial value of such fruit, before attempting large scale cultivation, they decided to insure these fruit. But in order to get something insured, you need to have it valued for insurance purposes. What do academics know about insurance anyway? So they look in the phone book, and call the first entry: the Acme Insurance Valuation Service. These two guys show up and they are pretty shady looking characters; they're not wearing lab coats, they're wearing trenchcoats! The guys from Acme pick up the fruit and start walking out with it. The scientists are surprised and incensed, and ask "Are you going to value them here, or give us a receipt, or what?" The two guys from Acme reply "We have come to seize berries, not to appraise them."
this illness has baffled scientists. What causes it -- love of groaning sounds, subconscious desires to be hit with loose objects in the room, or some deeper cause, such as becoming fixated at the silly phase? Whatever the cause, SPS can become a serious mental illness, and if unchecked in its early phases, can result in minor injury (from beatings), major injury (from worse beatings), and even death (from still worse beatings).
It seems there were three monks who enjoyed raising plants and were trying to keep a flower shop running, selling unique and exotic plant life. One day, some children where playing behind the shop and were eaten whole by an extremely rare man-eating plant. The parents, needless to say, were outraged, and demanded that the friars get rid of the dangerous plant. The friars refused. So the parents and the people of the town tried several ways to get the friars to consent, but finally they asked Hugh, the town blacksmith, (undoubtably the strongest man around), to run the friars out of town. "Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!"
Nice guitar playing, but I still don't get it. Must be a guy joke with a lesson hidden in it.
Speaking of lessons......
This is one of the best and most useful stories I have read in years. What a life lesson?
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up..
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well, and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. 2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.. 3. Live simply and appreciate what you have. 4. Give more. Expect less
NOW .......Enough of that... the donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them. He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep.
Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.
My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, and his bell did not ring all morning.
Uncle went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
ha,ha,ha, wagga, you crack me up and I like this thread, it helps release any built up stress when a person laughs, but of course a person needs to "get it" [the joke/ punchline] in order to laugh, which seems to be one of my weaknesses and I love the guy jokes even though I don't get them, because you, Rod and Steve C. explain the punchlines to me....oh, and thank you for the compliment about the song being before my time, I especially liked that comment.
Now, it's time for some more Lessons, this time in Management:
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Two planes arrived at flight control at exactly the same time. Flight control said, "Delta, Continental, you both arrived at the same time. Who wants to go first?" The Continental pilot immediately heard, "Go ahead, Delta, I'll wait!"
At my house there is a shallow alcove in the back patio which the local outdoor cats use for marking the fact that they passed through in the night. When I let my cats out in the early morning, their first order of business is running to see who sniffs pissing in the bight.
Wagga, I Googled that phrase, and Google came back with one and only one reference.... It stands alone, here on WhitneyZone. So I want to know: Is that an original?
Ya, I know it's a stretch to match it with "two ships passing in the night", but it ain't bad.
One day a hunter was walking through the woods and he spotted an Indian Chief being chased by a grizzly bear. So the hunter pulled out his trusty rifle and shot the bear thus saving the Indian Chief's life.
The Chief invited the hunter back to his camp to throw him one heck of a bash for saving his life. There was plenty of food. Indians were dancing all over the place with happiness. They were smoking the peace pipe when the Indian Chief said to the hunter, "I have a very special surprise for you. I've picked 500 of my prettiest Indian maidens. You look at all of them and chose one, she will be your wife."
With this the Indian Chief clapped his hands and out of several teepees emerged young beautiful Indian maidens. They walked in front of the hunter so he could get a better view of them. The hunter noticed that all of the maidens were topless. And with closer inspection, noticed that none had any nipples on their breasts.
He turned to the Chief and asked why didn't any of his maidens have nipples on their breasts.
The Chief replied, "What, you've never heard of the Indian Nipple-less 500?"
MRCondron and wagga were hunting one day and all of a sudden wagga keels over, out like a light.
MRCondron, not knowing what to do quickly calls 911. When the operator asks "what's wrong?", He says "I don't know we were just walking along and wagga just falls over.
The operator asks "Is he dead?" and MRCondron says "I don't know that either".
The operator says "well you need to make sure!"
Then MRCondron says okay and lays the phone down.
A few seconds pass and then the operator hears "cha click, boom!"
MRCondron comes back on the line and asks "Now What?"
You are amazing in how you can come up with the most appropriate "stuff" on the spur of the moment, either that or you're an artist and drew-up this cartoon. Very funny....I guess you were once a "Cat-Herder" just like Steve C. said.
This is Radar. The Stealth Cat. He has a trick. I keep a stepladder in the living room. When I ask him if he wants a treat, he zooms up the ladder & waits (not so patiently) for a treat.
Radar is beautiful, I love his eyes. He looks like a bobcat, what a gorgeous kitty, love the ladder/treat story.
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" Happy Thanksgiving
This is an Irish joke. If it offends you, please speak up & I'll post the Swedish version. PS: I'm half Irish.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two blokes pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.
Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"
AND STILL MORE
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding"
A guy walks into a restaurant with an emu and orders fish and chips and a root beer. Emu says I'll have the same thing. When the waitress brings the bill she says that'll be 18.79. Guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out EXACTLY 18.79 AND 2.82 tip for the waitress. WOW she thinks...
Next day here comes the guy with the emu right behind him. Orders a slice of apple pie, ice cream and some milk to wash it down with. Emu orders the same thing. Waitress brings the bill, says that'll be 8.50. Guy reaches into is pocket and pulls out 8.50 PLUS 1.28 tip for the waitress. Waitress is really impressed now so she says how do you do that? Guys says well, I was walking on the beach one day and found a lamp and a genie came out of it and told me I could have TWO wishes. Now I thought about asking for 10 MILLION dollars, but I got to thinking that sooner or later I'd run out of money. So I asked the genie if anytime I needed money I could put my hand in my pocket and the exact amount I needed would be there. THAT is SO COOL says the waitress, because you'll never run out of money and you don't have to carry any money and you'll never get robbed and you can get anything you want! But what's with the EMU?
Oh, says the guy rolling his eyes. My second wish.... What was that says the waitress? I asked the genie for a tall chick with long legs who'd always agree with me.
"Thanksgiving Night" T'was the night of Thanksgiving But I just couldn't sleep. I tried counting backwards. I tried counting sheep. The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white, But I fought the temptation with all of my might. Tossing and turning with anticipation, The thought of a snack became infatuation. So I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door, And gazed in the fridge, full of goodies galore, I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes. I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, Until all of a sudden, I rose off the ground. I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky, With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie. But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees, "Happy eating to all, pass the cranberries, please. May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump, May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious, may your pies take the prize, May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs." Anonymous.
A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged turkey running down the road. He was amused enough to drive alongside it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the turkey was running 30 mph.
Pretty fast turkey, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the turkey did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph!
The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the turkey was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!
Suddenly the turkey turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the turkey to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three legged turkeys. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged turkeys?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my daughter living here and we all like to eat the turkey leg. Since a turkey only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
Here in the place of business, we have a 10 inch ledge which runs all the way around the fifth floor of the the building. Those little, furry animals with bushy tails have taken to running around on the ledge seeking the frequent handouts that certain staff members give them. Outside my office, however, they prefer to sit quietly and listen to my shaggy dog stories. This goes to show, of course, that squirrels just wanna have pun.
Little girl on a plane > > > A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane > when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's > talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike > up a conversation with a fellow passenger.' > > The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it > slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to > talk about?' > > 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How > about nuclear power?' and he smiles. > > 'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting > topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, > and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer > excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, > and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you > suppose that is?' > > The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's > intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no > idea.' > > To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel > qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know > shit?'
Several decades ago, a small group of us software types flew the LAX-BOS red eye to MacWorld. We had about 30 passengers on a 150-seat A320.
Shortly after takeoff, the co-pilot (Sorry, First Officer) came wandering down the aisle.
At that time, the Mississippi river was experiencing record flood levels. I asked the First Officer (FO) if he would be so kind as to tell us when the Mississippi was in sight. He sat down with us and we proceeded to tell flight squawk jokes...
Pilot to Maintenance: "Dead bugs on the windscreen" - Maintenance: Live bugs on back order".
Pilot to Maintenance: "Autoland rough" - Maintenance: "Autoland not installed on aircraft"
Pilot to Maintenance: "Left main gear tire almost needs replacing" - Maintenance: "Left main gear tire almost replaced"
And so forth...
Then the FO went forward and the Pilot in Command (PIC) came directly to us, sat down & we did a lot more flight jokes.
For the rest of the trip, the front office announced "We're banking, get on the left side to see Bryce Canyon". And "Get on the right side, this is the Grand Canyon". And lots more.
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died.
"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home to catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him!
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could find to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.
"OK. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."
Just before Xmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the lift (elevator) at the Ritz Hotel in London. As the lift travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a £50 note lying on the lift's floor.
Which one picked up the £50 note, and handed it in at reception?
Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!
There has been some trolling lately, so here's some punishment.
The realm of King Arthur was sorely beset by the encroachments of the Saxons. Sadly, there were few Knights left to fight them. King Arthur, despairing the probable downfall of Camelot, turned once again to Merlin, his friend and wisest adviser.
"Merlin, I fear that this time even your great resources will not avail us at this critical time." (Kings speak in that phony kind of prose so you'll have to excuse him) "We shall never be able to turn back the Saxons without many more Knights. The Round Table is sorely depleted, and I have little hope."
"Fear not, my King" said Merlin. "I have a plan. Bring me parchment and ink and all your scribes. Then bring me the youth of the nearby peasants, the stable boys, and the young servants of the castle. I shall give you your Knights!"
"Merlin, oh Merlin, I fear you've lost your wisdom. It takes years to become a Knight. One must grow in experience, be tested in battle and character... It cannot be done" said Arthur.
"Trust me, my King" said Merlin. "I have devised a method of creating Knights on the instant."
Soon, as bidden, the male youth of the nearby peasantry were summoned to Camelot, along with the stable boys and the younger servants. Merlin had them arrayed in a single line that stretched almost as far as the eye could see. One by one, each young man stepped up to a table beneath a pavilion where Merlin sat. The humble youth entered, full of fear and not knowing what to expect. As they passed Merlin, he handed each one a piece of parchment with the seal of Camelot printed upon it by the scribes. Each parchment and the image upon it was exactly like the others. Miraculously, as each young man took the parchment and placed it on his forehead, a change took place in him.
They all stood taller, stronger -- their eyes flashed with confidence and power. As they exited the pavilion, each one was truly a powerful Knight! They were handed their swords and given great horses to ride and galloped off to do battle. Nearly a thousand of the humble became Knights that single day. History tells us that they were successful and helped preserve Camelot for yet another generation.
Merlin, of course, is known to this day, as the inventor of the Printed Sir Kit.
Okay, here is my one and perhaps only contribution to this thread.
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Three years ago I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as MLB 5.0, NFL 3.0, Fishing 7.2, Shooting 4.1, Meganap 4.0 (as in hours) and Mt. Whitney 14.5.
(+ @ti2d note: DID I SAY THAT?)
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail..
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0, Flowers 3.5, and Passion 6.9.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 4.30. Please note that Beer 4.30 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0. (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
(+ @ti2d note: Boy, do I know that! Especially with FIL 1.02...back to the joke...)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
I was flying from Seattle to Fresno. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?"
Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!
Now we get to the joke...
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines spin up and the airplane starts moving.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
A man is defending himself at trial after having been caught by a park ranger just as he roasting a Spotted Owl over his illegal campfire.
After reading the charges, the judge, well known for his environmental sympathies, gravely announced that since the species concerned is in danger of imminent extinction, he would have to make an example out of the defendant.
The man, waxing eloquent, said he was very sorry for what he'd done, but that he was totally destitute and needed the bird to need his hungry children. All he had to his name, he said, his voice cracking with emotion, was the little bit of bird shot he had left in his gun.
The judge took off his glasses to wipe a tear from the corner of his eye, and after regaining his composure, told the defendant he would let him go with a warning this time.
The man beamed with pride as he started out of the courtroom.
Just then, the judge called out, "Oh, by the way, what does a Spotted Owl taste like?"
The man's face came alive as he turned around and said, "Your honor, it's hard to describe. Sort of a cross between a Bald Eagle, a Whooping Crane and a California Condor."
Just before Christmas I was shopping at a toy faire in Worcester.
I glanced to my left and caught sight of a queue at the doll counter; they were waiting for the shelves to be restocked with Mattel dolls. As I looked I realised that in the queue was a good friend of mine. Knowing Lennie well I was sure that he had no daughters nor did he have any nieces so I wondered why he should want to buy a doll at Christmas time'
'Hey, Lennie,' I cried, 'I hadn't realised you collected dolls.' 'I don't,' he replied laughing'
'Really,' I queried, 'then you must be buying a Christmas present then?' 'No, not at all, my friend,' responded Lennie, his eyes twinkling merrily'
'If you don't mind my asking then Lennie,' I said, 'Why exactly are you standing in this particular queue?'
'Oh that,' he giggled. 'It's like this, my mate,' he mused, 'I've never been able to resist a Barbie queue.'
Thanks for all the jokes they were much needed. So an airplane is flying along and the pilot makes the usual announcements on the live overhead microphone but forgets to turn off the microphone. He announces to his co-pilot which is being heard by the entire plane. "I'm going to the back to take a big dump and then I am going to screw that new Stewardess." A Stewardess hears the announcement and immediately screams running to the cockpit to let the pilot know about his gaffe. A little lady grabs the Stewardess and says "Slow down Honey, he said he had to take a dump first"
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test...
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
During the Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, "I could beat Karpov with no problem".
"Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time."
"That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!"
Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel. "But, why?" a bystander asked.
"Because," the manager replied "I hate chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"
Kids read these silly jokes? Wagga, that's a silly question, aren't you just a big kid!
HOLIDAY EATING TIPS
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!
Fair warning, I know all of the elephant jokes. And all of the Little Tommy jokes. And all of the sheep jokes. And all of the llama jokes. The latter three of which are certainly not suitable for kids. We'll get down on fruitcake later...
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles". So, she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles". So, she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles". So, the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles".
The doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles". So, she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles". So, she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles". So, the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles".
The doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"
Okay, so when does the co-pay part come in here, wagga?
Justin Broadbent-Johnston the Third was in his doctor's waiting room. He had waited for almost two whole minutes, and was begining to become irritated. After all, he has paid atrociously high fees to the medical group for many years, and as a very highly paid corporate Chairman, he values his time accordingly.
Just then a vision passed through the office! A short lady with freckles, dimples, lubricous curves and a neverending mane of brilliantly vibrant, thick red hair glided though, wearing a white coat!
Seconds later, in his doctor's office, Justin asked his doctor for her name. Her name is Cynthia Nyes, his doctor said, she's recently separated from Lord Stitts, and she has just joined our group as a specialist, and is half your age. So Justin, having just ditched his fourth wife, said "I'd give anything to meet her". Well, the doc stated, we have some blood tests from you that indicate that you need to consult with her in her specialty. Friday next week at 10:30 am. Can you do that? Oh yes! Oh yes! Oh yes!
So Justin, comprehensively blind to the medical situation, stands in front of the mirror at home. He's not all that tall, but Cynthia is short, and he has some eelskin cowboy boots with elevated heels. Not a problem. He's actually fairly handsome, but a little pale from living indoors. That can be fixed, he thinks, do the tanning bed thing for an hour. So he has his assistant make an appointment. Teeth - just perfect. On to his hair, which is pale blonde, noticeably thinned. Really thinned. Realistically, he's bald. What would a red-haired Cynthia lady really be looking for, he thinks? Red is just too competitive, Brunette doesn't match, so he makes an appointment with his salon to have a thick, platinum blonde wig made specially for him. Almost shoulder-length, but not anywhere near as long as Cynthia's - that would just not be cool.
On Wednesday, he spends an hour frying in the tanning booth. Hamiltonian results. I've won her!, he thinks to himself.
So now it's Thursday, & Justin is off to the salon for a fitting. The wig is stunning. He stands tall and accepts the compliments of the salon staff. He doesn't bow, because that would be beneath his station in life. He's going to win her!
And now it's Friday. He's twenty minutes early for his appointment. She keeps Justin waiting 15 minutes past his appointment time. Not a problem, he's in love!. Then another delay - no problem.
Finally he's in her office. Why? - because he has a very high prostate specific antigen count and she is a proctologist.
So he follows her instructions. Down with the pants. And the undies. She slaps on the rubber gloves, asks him to bend over... more... more.. And, mortifyingly, his hairpiece flops on the floor!.
Not to worry, she said, it is just adverse hair piece stance.
Man goes into the doctor and asks if he has the results of his test back. The doctor says "I have good news and worse news." The man says "What is the bad news?" Doctor says "The tests say you only have 24 hours to live." Tha man says "That is horrible what could be worse than that?" The doctor says"I should have called you yesterday."
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:" Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here, please."
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3.. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4 esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6.. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
15. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Robbie Robin was a worm-catcher extraordinaire. He arose earlier than all the other birds and took great pride in his worm-acquiring abilities. Often he'd encounter worms who were trying desperately to verbally -- uh -- worm their way out of their impending doom. "Last of my family" and "the-wife-and-kids" excuses abounded. No dice. They simply became Robbie's breakfast. Some would try to physically resist Robbie, but his tough beak won every time. He remained the King of Worm Catchers.
That is, until just recently. Robbie sneaked up on a worm early one morning and just as he prepared to pounce, the little worm turned around and solidly punched him right in the beak! Robbie blinked hard and rubbed his sore nose. The worm then began to verbally abuse Robbie, cussing him up one side and down the other with a vocabulary that would make most sailors blush. He escalated his attack, insulting Robbie's ancestors all the way back beyond the Ark to the first pair of robins ever created in The Beginning. Robbie was so stunned by this display of wormy chutzpah that he just shook his head and staggered away in shock, this being the first morning he had ever failed to get his worm. The worm watched Robbie's retreat and muttered to himself with obvious satisfaction, "The surly worm gets the bird!"
A patient entered the dentist's office. A cursory examination revealed that his nearly new dental plates were badly corroded.
"What on earth have you been eating?" the dentist demanded. "I've never seen new plates go so fast!"
"Gosh, Doc, I dunno," the fellow mused. "About six months ago my wife was experimenting with different foods we'd never tried and she tried scooping a little Hollandaise sauce on something. It was just as tasty as all get out and I told her to put it on everything we ate from then on. She did -- and for the last six months I've had Hollandaise sauce on everything that slithers down my gullet. Could that...?"
"Yes, that would explain it," the dentist replied. "Hollandaise is suprisingly acidic, notwithstanding its tangy creaminess. But we'll have to replace those teeth. I'll make you a new set of plates. But this time, given your culinary predilections, we'll make them out of chrome."
"Chrome? Why on Earth would you make them out of chrome?"
"It's perfectly simple, my dear fellow. There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."
Re:Fair warning, I know all of the elephant jokes. And all of the Little Tommy jokes. And all of the sheep jokes. And all of the llama jokes. The latter three of which are certainly not suitable for kids. We'll get down on fruitcake later...
Funny, I've never heard any of the jokes you mentioned....how could a llama joke not be for kids, they're so cute and cuddly. Who is Little Tommy?
---insert groan here--- Lynn.. do you know what a can of worms is? ---shakes admonishing finger at you--- I hope you know what you've just very possibly unleashed
So Cal Girl, huh?....confused...what are you talking about, I don't have a clue.
Lynn... it was meant to be funny... guess the tone in my head just didn't translate well...
What I was saying is that, by posing the "Who is Little Tommy" question you've pretty much given Wagga carte blanche to share that particular line of jokes at will...
Now... I've always enjoyed a good Little Tommy joke myself, but they're really not family friendly
As far as I can tell, this is the cleanest sheep joke:
A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...
This is probably the definitive collection of clean Little Tommy jokes. Some of these have been told before in this thread.
This is the first known clean Little Tommy Joke: A couple has a little girl, named Suzie. They take her to visit another couple who are parents of a little boy. He is, of course, Little Tommy. For a while the children sit patiently as the adults discuss their religious beliefs, but eventually they get bored. They go outside and wander about till they come to a creek with a good swimming hole.
It's a hot and humid day so they decide to cool off by going skinny dipping. They go into the bushes and take off their clothes. Then they emerge from the bushes.
Little Suzie looks at Little Tommie and yells, "I didn't know Catholics were THAT different from Protestants!"
This is the only known clean Little Suzie joke.
Then:
The teacher was discussing different jobs held by the parents of the students. When she called on Little Tommy, she asked, "And what does your father do?"
"Oh, he's a magician," replied Tommy.
"Really? And what's his best trick?"
"His best trick is sawing people in half."
"Wonderful!" exclaimed the teacher. "Tell me, are there any more children in your family?"
"Yes ma'am, I have a half brother and two half sisters."
And:
Mrs. Downsport, Little Tommie's mother, was called to a conference with the school principal. "Little Tommy", he said, "was caught peeing in the swimming pool". "Well", Mrs. Downsport said, "most, if not all the kids pee in the pool". "Possibly true", said the principal, "but not from the top of the 10-meter diving board!".
Tommie's nickname, incidentally, is "Kangaroo". Any guesses why?
So here is the last known clean Little Tommy joke. SteveC has been bugging me for a long time to tell this:
The day afer Little Tommy graduated (with lacklustre grades) from high school, his father won more than 100 million dollars in the state lottery.
So Little Tommy was able to attend a prestigious university, and elected to study marine biology. Given his early history, he was especially interested in the mating habits of dolphins & porpoises. Well, actually, any kind of mating habits.
In the meantime, his father purchased the latest and fastest Lear Jet and began to take flying lessons. On his second solo flight as a licenced private pilot he took Little Tommy's mother up and the inevitable happened.
So Little Tommy, after sharing his parent's estate with his half-brother and two half sisters, found himself to be independently wealthy. Very Wealthy.
So he bought a property on the Intracoastal Waterway and commissioned a large dolphin pool complex, complete with a breeding pool and a lot of space for dolphins. He paid skippers to scan the ocean and (gently) capture a pair of porpoises. At this stage, he really didn't know the difference between dolphins & porpoises. However, eventually, a pair of marine mammals were captured and placed in the pool complex.
The pair were placed in the breeding pool - and nothing happened. Unknown to Little Tommy, the animals were brother and sister.
So Little Tommy asked his Professor from the prestigious university if anything could be done to enhance his captive's mating. His Professor indicated that there was research seemingly pointing to a hormone imbalance which could be counteracted by ingestion of fledgling seabirds.
So Little Tommy scoured the beaches for young seabirds. One day he found several nests above the tide-line on a local beach. So he captured them and headed back to his pickup truck. He loaded up his precious cargo and proceeded to drive along the beach frontage road, knowing that he would, at last, achieve his dream!
There was something else going on that Little Tommy didn't know about. The circus was in town.
The circus carried an old lion on the books. He was far too old to perform, and, being toothless, was quite harmless. Because the lion was superannuated, the circus crew became careless about his housing. On this particular day, the cage door was left unlocked & the old lion ambled out for a walk. On reaching the frontage road to the beach, the old lion was thoroughly exhausted, and laid down in the road for a nap.
So, Little Tommy came racing around the corner in a great hurry to further science - and ran over the old, sleeping lion.
Shocked, he stopped and was accosted by a person in a a three-piece suit who yelled "FBI! you're under arrest!"
So Little Tommy asked "Why?" And the FBI agent stated "Mann Act - Crossing a sedate lion with immature gulls for immoral porpoises"
Edit: Ok so his surname is "Downsport", as in Tommie "kangaroo" Downsport. ...That's a wagga original!
Unfortunately, American's don't connect "Tommie" to "Tie me" like you Aussies do. I never connected Tommie Downsport to the lyrics: "Tie me kangaroo down sport."
Government surveyors came to Ole's farm in the fall and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time. The next spring the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, "Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of by letter".
Ole replied, "What's the bad news?" The surveyors stated, "Well, after our work we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota , but is actually in Wisconsin !" Ole looked at Lena and said, "That's the best news I have heard in a long time, why I just told Lena this morning, I don't think I can take another winter in Minnesota ."
A U.S. Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
"Dear Captain: Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.
One last point: No Jews please."
8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four smiling black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
At the time this occurred, I was dating a young lady who worked in the PX department at Loma Linda Hospital in Southern California.
This is what she told me. If you don't know what a PX is, then you need to know that a row of young ladies sat in front of an array of phone plugs, took calls & routed them to the requested department>person by patching cords from plug to plug. Tip and ring technology.
The YLs were monitored by a particularly nasty old battleaxe supervisor. Nowadays, computers do the work, but the battleaxes are still with us.
Incidentally, Loma Linda Hospital has become ground zero for snake bite treatment in the Western United States.
Anyhow, back to the story. At the time there were three specialist Doctor Smiths accredited at the hospital. An obstetrician, an orthopedist and a pharmacological researcher. A caller asked for Doctor Smith, and the YL asked "Which Doctor Smith?"
The old battleaxe went ballistic - "This is a modern medical facility. We treat patients with the most advanced, scientific, medical care in the world!" "We don't have witch doctors!!!!!" "Never, ever, ever, say witch doctor, or you will be instantly dismissed!"
The lesson sunk in.
So, not much later, a call came in asking for Doctor Smith. The battleaxe hovered.
"Would that be the baby doctor?", the terrified YL asked. "OK, then would it be the bone doctor?". "Oh", she said, relaxing a little, "You must want the medicine man".
Esther, dear, I hope that the intervening decades went well for you.
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
I had a patient come in with severe low back pain. I asked him how he hurt his back. He said "I was golfing with my wife Ethel yesterday and she had a heart attact on the first hole." I asked "how did you hurt your back?" He said "You know how it is. I hit the ball and dragged Ethel. Hit the ball and drag Ethel."
On his 86th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation.The medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, all the time wondering what was to come.
The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, which he handed to the 74 year-old.
With a grip on his shoulder, the medicine man warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want."
The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded."But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The old man was very eager to see if the potion worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition - or one will end up with a dangling participle!
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. -------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. -------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.. -------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. -------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. -------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.. -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. -------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. -------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM .. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B S. Is done. -------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM .. Please use the back door. -------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. --------------------------
Donuts will be served after mass in the church basement followed by blood pressure checks.
--------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
Little Tommy came home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Tommy seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Tommy about this." Tommy's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, "First, Tommy, I want you to take off my blouse..." Little Tommy unbuttoned her blouse and took it off. She continued, "Now take off my skirt..." He removed her skirt. "Take off my bra..." which he did. "And now, Tommy, please take off my panties." When Tommy had finished removing his mother's panties, she said, "Tommy, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair!!!.'
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.......good one, wagga.
I searched high and low to make sure "The Cat" is new to this thread, so here it is:
The Cat
Last Saturday night we were dressed and ready to go out to a party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
Because we knew we would be having a few drinks we phoned a cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door the cat we had put out in the yard scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon - ' He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. - He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and Mop the kitchen floor. got into an argument with them on the way home. got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! oh! please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night."
Soon, Our Homeland Security Color-Coded Warning System Will Cease to Exist....following are some of the recent International Responses to Terrorist Threats:
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide" The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing" Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are groping grannies (and Barney) and carrying out pre-emptive strikes on everyone "just in case".
Canada doesn't have any alert levels, we have our friends to the south, so we don't worry.
In a similar vein, New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Finally, Australia has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and "The Barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go and choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous,Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges,the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
The teacher left her aide in the classroom to distribute the examination materials to the graduating class of the all-male private school. Her final instructions were "Be sure to *hand* everything out very carefully and deliberately." The aide puzzled over this for a moment, but couldn't understand it.
He began giving out the papers, but due to his inexperience found himself only a quarter done with just a few minutes left until the exam was due to start. Desperate, he gathered up the rest of the sheets and began to throw them across the room, yelling "Catch!" to each student as he did so. At first it was kind of a playful game, but soon he noticed that even the students not involved in the sport were beginning to breath heavier. As the panting turned into grunting, he began to be a little nervous and backed toward the door, staring from side to side as the behavior became more and more -- the only word he could think of -- primitive.
As he reached the bottom of the pile of papers and pitched it to the last student, the room erupted with howling and growling. He was certain he could see the students physically transforming before his eyes. With a shout of fright he turned and ran as quickly as he could to the teachers' lounge.
The teacher took one look at him and leaped to her feet. Startled, he put a hand to his face and, with a shock, felt a heavy growth of beard that certainly hadn't been there that morning.
Without a word, the teacher rushed from the room, grabbing her aide's wrist on the way by. Frantically, they sprinted back to the classroom. As they rounded the corner, they saw that they were too late. The door had been torn from its hinges and they glimpsed the hairy back of the missing-link-like creature that, until mere minutes before, had been a student with at least a veneer of civilization. They entered the classroom side by side and stopped dead, as though choreographed. The destruction was complete: desks smashed into fragments, blackboards cracked, shredded sheets of the exam everywhere.
She said nothing, but the teacher's eyes were full of reproach.
"But why did it happen?" asked the bewildered assistant.
"You idiot, Don't you know what happens to men when they get too much test tossed around?"
Drunk THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. I'm not interested in fighting you. 6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and I'd hate to look like a fool! 7. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
Oxymorons & THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
LOL, Rod, you had my brain deep in serious thought with your Oxymorons and then you laid the things difficult to say when drunk on me and had me cracking up at my desk in the office, I nearly fell out of my chair. What a great way to end the day at the office.
Substitute values to your heart's content... Or fantasize. Or whatever.
A <W> and a <X> get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the <W> says,"So you're a <X>, that's interesting. I'm a <W>... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left,but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from <Z> that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The <X> replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from <Z>!". The <W> continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of <Y> didn't break. Surely <Z> wants us to drink this bottle of <Y> and celebrate our good fortune."
The <W> hands the bottle of <Y> to the <X>. The <X> shakes the head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the <W>. The <W> takes the bottle of <Y>, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the <X>.
The <X> asks, "Aren't you having any?". The <W> replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."
Candy Love Four-year-old Sam loved candy almost as much as his mom Sally did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. A few days later Sam was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Sally said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?" "Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.' The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that. Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'.
An 85 year old man was requested by the doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said ''Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.''
The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctors office and gave him the jar,which was as clean and empty as the previous day, the doctor asked what happened and the man explained.
''Well doc, it's like this, first I tried with my right hand but nothing, then I tried with my left, but still nothing, then I asked my wife for help, she tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing''.
The doctor was shocked! ''You asked your neighbor?''
The old man replied, ''Yep, none of us could get the jar open''.
The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the 'Style Invitational'.
The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.
Now, remember, the following winning entries were actually printed verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxxs:
Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky 'Twas 'Hail to the Chief' On this flute made of beef That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky, We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you made such a mess, Use the hem of your dress And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown What Kaczynski must surely have known, That an intern is better Than a bomb in a letter, When deciding how best to be blown.
Cedric was a peasant of good heart. but little will. It was a constant struggle to make ends meet in the little one-room hut he shared with his wife Lisbeth.
One afternoon while wandering through the wood he chanced upon a small, rough, figure of a man. While he'd never met a gnome before, he struck up a conversation anyway.
"I'm hungry," said the Gnome.
"Wait here. I'll be back before the sun falls below the trees," replied Cedric. He ran home and took a batch of newly-made bread from Lisbeth. He returned to the wood and gave it to the Gnome.
Said the Gnome, "For your kindness, I will give you these two gold coins."
Cedric returned home to his wife. She was overjoyed that he had finally aspired to bring a gnome the bakin'.
Sort of a hum drum Sunday, so I'm inspired to post something that IS really SILLY:
Have you ever serously considered the borders of the 48 states? They are all wildly different in terms of length, area covered, straight and/or jagged, no one state's jagged border the same configuration as another's . . . you get the idea.
Did you hear the one about the composer who lined up the girls in the chorus one at a time. He placed the first girl standing facing forward, the second girl facing backward, the third girl facing forward, fourth girl facing backward, the fifth girl facing forward and the sixth, seventh and eighth girls facing backward.
The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Good one, Rod. In 2001, I visited Georgia, Florida, Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana and I found the South does indeed eat all their local wildlife, on every menu I saw aligator, catfish, crawdad (sp?), grouper, just to name a few.
Comedian and writer Barry Cryer recalls the story of the tap-dancing duck act in which every night a world-weary mallard performed on a cake tin - until one night when the duck just stood there cleaning its feathers.
"What happened?" said the theater manager. The duck's trainer shrugged: "The candle went out."
A well-known professor of music was accustomed to receive letters from amateur musicians asking for auditions and from would-be composers asking him to look at their work. He always ignored them.
But one old lady was particularly persistent. Over and over again she wrote to him to ask him to visit her home to hear her cat play the piano.
At last he gave in. He had agreed to act as a judge at a music festival not far from the old lady's home and he decided that it might be amusing to call on her. So he telephoned her and arrangements were made for him to have tea at her home the following Thursday.
He arrived at the appointed hour to find that his hostess was a very pleasant and cultured elderly lady and not at all the sort of crank he had been half fearing. They sat down to tea and after a little while a cat sidled into the room, jumped up onto the piano stool and mewed. His mistress stood up, walked across the room and gently lifted the piano lid, giving the cat's head an affectionate caress as she did so.
The cat sat up, his paws hovered for fully half a minute above the keys, as though he were trying to come to a decision and then he started to play, a little hesitantly at first - because it was quite evidently the first occasion that he had performed for anyone other than his mistress - but then with growing confidence when he saw that the stranger's rapt attention.
He played the "Moonlight Sonata" very competently, two Chopin polonaises with passion and delicacy, and then a piece of Scarlatti with a flair approaching brilliance. Finally, he played a long piece which the professor failed to recognize.
The professor applauded heartily and turning to his hostess he asked who was the composer of the last piece. "Oh!", she said, "Didn't I say? He composes as well, you know. He wrote that last piece himself."
The professor replied "Now that is truly amazing. You should have it orchestrated."
The cat turned round, looking startled and dismayed, jumped down from the stool, ran across the room and out of the window, never to be seen again.
This little story is dedicated to "No Whining" Moose Tracks.
In the era of the ancients, the gods controlled all aspects of life. The ancient astrologers assigned names to the constellations, and ascribed by observation various character traits to individuals based on the skies at birth.
Of course, some of these traits were positive, and some negative. And, as in all societies, the positive were rewarded and the negative, denigrated.
In one particular society one of the worst traits with which one could be born was to be a kvetch. Constant whining. Never-ending complaints. So much were these individuals hated that, in mind of some long-forgotten historic complainer, they were made to wear a large "H" on a rope around the neck, so unsuspecting society could see them coming.
As one such poor individual went to the agora one morning to receive his stigma and put it on, a bystander was heard to observe, "This is the donning of the "H" of a querulous."
Comedian and writer Barry Cryer recalls the story of the tap-dancing duck act in which every night a world-weary mallard performed on a cake tin - until one night when the duck just stood there cleaning its feathers.
"What happened?" said the theater manager. The duck's trainer shrugged: "The candle went out."
I forgot to mention that on the very same night, the theater manager had to announce that the "Human Chameleon" act was canceled because the Human Chameleon had crawled across a tartan (plaid) carpet and was suffering from extreme exhaustion.
I knew the answer to your "challenge" even before I read Wagga's clue below it, Lynn.
Okay, Whitney Fan, let's see if you can give me the punchline to this silly joke......
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are watching a horde of Indian braves bear down on them in full battle fury. "Looks like we're in trouble, Tonto," says the Lone Ranger to his pal. "What you mean 'we,' white man?," Tonto responds.
Fearing for his life, the Lone Ranger shouts to his horse, "Hi-yo, Silver! Away!"
But the Lone Ranger didn't get far before he was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. The woman enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse. Alone!"
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears looks him square in the eyes and says, "Listen carefully. For the last time, I said ..._____________! (fill in the blank)
A Babylonian general was declared a traitor for leading a revolt. He escaped the night before he was to be executed and hid in an old Babylonian ziggurat, or temple, where he expected to find some of his associates. Not finding them, he began to burn the papers they had left and was immediately recaptured.
Moral of the story: The searchin' general has determined that smoking ziggurats are hazardous to your stealth.
A Doctor, a Minister and an Engineer were playing golf. They are continually held up by the group ahead of them. In frustration they turn to the Club Pro. He tells them that the group playing so slowly are blind firemen. They saved the Club House from total destruction in a horrendous fire, and lost their eye sight. The Club felt such a debt of gratitude that it allows them to play whenever they want. The Doctor says, "I think that perhaps I could find an eye surgeon who could restore their sight. That would speed up play". The Minister says, "I'll pray to God for a miracle to restore their sight so play can speed up". The Engineer says, "Why don't you have them play at night ?"!
Tiger Woods was talking with Stevie Wonder and Stevie told Tiger "we should go golf together sometime". Tiger replied "I didn't know you golfed." Stevie says "Yeah I am really good Club Champion at Riviera and I can beat you." Tiger "Would you like to put a little money on that?" Stevie " Sure how about a $1,000 a hole ?" Tiger "Your on, where and when do you want to play?" Stevie " Riviera this Wednesday at midnight."
There was this nun named Sister Mary, who though she tried and tried, could never please the Mother Superior. One day she comes up with an idea: Since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up.
She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. In the process, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit.
Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace. Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, "Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!"
Sister Mary, crying, asks, "But Mother Superior, aren't you happy that the abbey is warm?"
To which the Mother Superior replies, "Yes, but when you ax, then shall ye re-sleeve."
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta , and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. "
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Little Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from South Carolina."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Carolina , ain't ya?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"
I don't know which joke made me laugh harder, the silly three pennies or the Bubba and Billy Bob joke. I'm on my lunch break at work and your jokes were my dessert. Thanks.
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. I hope you enjoy these!
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather-- not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't..
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of a pool and throw them fish.
There was a priests' retreat at some retreat house and during the course of it the retreat master asked them to break up into groups of three. They were then to share their deepest darkest secrets, things they had never shared with anyone else ever.
The Dominican priest after much hemming and hawing said that he was an alcoholic. He had been so ashamed to tell anyone before. He drank all the time and just couldn't kick the problem. He was so glad that in the sacredness of this small group he could share this and now he felt so good, so free.
The Franciscan priest hesitated, but finally said he thought he could trust the other two and that his problem was gambling. He had been unable to control his urge to go to bet way beyond his means. He was also very ashamed of his habit and was so grateful that he could finally share it in such a context with his fellow priest.
It was the Jesuit's turn. He told the other two that he was grateful for their openness and honesty. He said he was so ashamed of his own problem. He had been working on it for years but hadn't yet gotten a handle on it. He had tried hypnosis and therapy, but nothing, he said, had helped him overcome his compulsion to gossip.
A Priest and a Rabbi were in a deep discusion about life, and when life begins. The Priest said "Life begins at conception." The Rabbi pauses puts his hand on his chin and says "Life begins when the kids move out and the dog dies."
Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, living in Fort Myers , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
The Professions A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage. "Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and ask, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $60,000 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,500,000) when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic . . ."Try doing it with the engine running."
This is old and been around for a while but still very funny and ironically so true.
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating :
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft , we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.
2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
I love the next one!!!
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car..
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call ' customer service ' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day... Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish. The game warden told him that this was illegal. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said " are you going to fish or talk?"
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doc tor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
FORGET THE SHRINKS.. HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER
It had been a quiet night at the local bar so far, but then the door was thrown open and an Interstate highway strode in. "I'm an Inter-state highway," he declared. "I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders, and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm afraid of no highway and no road." He then strode up to the bar, ordered a beer, and began drinking it, while looking around.
A short time later, a four-lane highway came in, went to the end of the bar, and ordered a beer. The Interstate looked him over and walked over to him. "I'm an interstate highway," he declared. "I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders,and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm not afraid of you."
The four-lane highway said "I agree that you're the best. I don't want any trouble with you. Let me buy you a beer", and he did. They drank their beers and discussed their engineering specifications.
After a half hour, the door opened again and a two-lane road came in, went to the other end of the bar, and ordered a beer. The Interstate looked him over and told the four-lane highway that he had to take care of the new arrival. He walked over to the two-lane road and said "I'm an Interstate highway. I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders, and a median almost my entire length.I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm not afraid of you."
The two-lane road quivered a bit and said "You're absolutely right. You are the best of the highways. I'm just a lowly two-lane road. I don't want any trouble. Can I buy beers for you and the four-lane highway?" The Interstate motioned the four-lane highway to come over, the two-lane road bought beers for each of them, and the three of them drank their beers and discussed the merits of various paving materials.
After another half hour, the door opened again and a strip of asphalt about eight feet wide came in. The Interstate highway ducked behind the bar and hid there quivering quietly. The bartender was shocked.
After serving the asphalt strip, he walked over to where the Interstate was hiding. "I watched you stand up to the four-lane highway and the two-lane road. You said you weren't afraid of any highway or road. Why are you hiding from that little asphalt strip?"
The Interstate replied quietly, "It's true that I'm not afraid of any highway or road, but he's a cycle path."
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
This is by Randall Woodman. It was published on the groaners listserv.
I just heard that the Pope had to have a new robe made out of royal purple material. It was also electrically heated so as to keep him warm during his outdoor addresses to the faithful following.
Rod, I have only one response to your silly joke about men, their body parts and their wisdom, and it's a short story which goes like this:
Short Story
Man driving down road. Woman driving up same road. They pass each other. The woman yells out the window, PIG! Man yells out window, WITCH! Man rounds next curve. Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.
There are 3 phases of sex when you are married. 1st phase is when you first get married and have Any Room sex.That is sex in any room kitchen,bathroom any time of the day or night.
2nd phase is Bedroom sex. That is when you have have been married for a while and have sex in the bedroom on occasion.
3rd phase is Hall sex. After you have been married a long time you pass each other in thhe hall and say" "F you" "No F you"
Guess that one was a thread killer. Here is a more PG joke. So a guy goes into a bar and sits down. There is a bowl of peanuts in front of him. The peanuts say to the guy. "Hey nice suit." Then the peanuts say to him "Nice looking tie" So the guy yells at the bartender and asks "Hey what's up with the talking peanuts?" The bartender says "Those are complimentary peanuts."
Have you ever tasted Koala tea? There are only a few brands, but it is generally agreed that the Mercy brand is by far the tastiest. Even though you strain lesser varieties and brands of tea, you must never, ever, do that with a tasty Koala.
When the last Pope was being considered from the group of Cardinals it was discuused that it was time for an Italian Cardinal to be chosen. They discussed it for quite a while and decided they could not choose Cardinal Secola as Pope. No one wanted Pope Secola.
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for...but what's the BEER for?"
At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"
SO the guy goes to see his GP, who asks him how he's feeling. Fine, says the guy, considering I'm turning into a moth. "Excuse me?" says the doc, "you're what?" "A moth", says the guy, "turning into a moth." "Uh, OK," says the doc, "you don't really need me, then. How about I refer you to a psychiatrist?" "Actually, I was just on my way to see the psychiatrist, " says the guy, "but I noticed your light was on."
A sexy lady steps up to the bar and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The bartender says, "He isn't here but I can do anything the manger can do for you." By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers. She says, "You're sure he isn't here?" The bartender says, "Yes, I'm very sure." The lady says, "Well, I just wanted to tell him there's no toilet paper or soap in the women's restroom."
A dog walks into a bar and says "Hey my name is Bob and I am a talking dog. Ever see a talking dog before? How about a drink for the talking dog?" The bartender answers "Sure. The toilets right back there,first door to your left"
Wagga & Rod, your silly jokes are all about bars and bartenders which reminds me of Irish Pubs, which reminds me of Saint Paddy's day and I figure it must be St. Patrick's Day somewhere in the world by now so let the Irish Jokes flow.....
Paddy Was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not , 'A shure I'll give it a go, he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it. Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened, 'what do you think you are doing? asked the policeman in a sharp tone, 'Sure I'm having me tea break, replied Paddy, 'And what do you work at? asked the policeman, 'Agh shure I deliver bridges,! smiled Paddy!
Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness Brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Brenda reached a hand to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda......no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures that he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he tries again to stand up and falls flat on his face. So the Irishman crawls home. At the door he again tries to stand up, only to fall flat on his face. So he then craws through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting. " So you've been out drinking again!!!" " How did you know?" he asks. " The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Happy St. Patrick's Day Everyone....the following are not silly and they're not jokes and I'm only a wee bit Irish, mostly Italian and some English (alley cat I am), but I liked these St. Paddy's Day quotes so I thought I'd post them. I hope some of you like them too. Maybe some of you are Irish. Enjoy!
Most of all, I'd like to send good Irish Blessings to the people of Japan and the animals of Japan too.
An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth. ~Irish Saying
If you're enough lucky to be Irish, you're lucky enough! ~Irish Saying
There's a dear little plant that grows in our isle, 'Twas St Patrick himself, sure, that set it; And the sun on his labor with pleasure did smile, And with dew from his eye often wet it. It thrives through the bog, through the brake, and the mireland; And he called it the dear little shamrock of Ireland... ~Andrew Cherry
May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light, May good luck pursue you each morning and night. ~Irish Blessing
Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter Lullabies, dreams, and love ever after. Poems and songs with pipes and drums A thousand welcomes when anyone comes. ~Author Unknown
When Irish eyes are smiling, 'Tis like a morn in spring. With a lilt of Irish laughter You can hear the angels sing. ~Author Unknown
Oh, the music in the air! An' the joy that's ivrywhere - Shure, the whole blue vault of heaven is wan grand triumphal arch, An' the earth below is gay Wid its tender green th'-day, Fur the whole world is Irish on the Seventeenth o' March! ~Thomas Augustin Daly
Never iron a four-leaf clover, because you don't want to press your luck. ~Author Unknown
Saint Patrick was a gentleman, who through strategy and stealth Drove all the snakes from Ireland, here's a drink to his health! But not too many drinks, lest we lose ourselves and then Forget the good Saint Patrick, and see them snakes again! ~Author Unknown
May the Irish hills caress you. May her lakes and rivers bless you. May the luck of the Irish enfold you. May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you. ~Irish Blessing
May your blessings outnumber The shamrocks that grow, And may trouble avoid you Wherever you go. ~Irish Blessing
May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face. And rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.
And:
May you live to be a hundred years, With one extra year to repent!
And especially this:
Here's to a long life and a merry one A quick death and an easy one A pretty girl and an honest one A cold beer and another one!
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .' The other man responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other man answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'
The other man says, 'A lovely little area. It was in The west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other man answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so Did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other man answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I Graduated in 1964.'
The first man exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be Smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.' !!!!!!!
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Better late than never. A few more St. Paddy's Day jokes.
*Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'*
*Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'*
*Paddy was in New York, ya know, and ....
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'*
*Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'*
*An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'*
*Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'*
*Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.*
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Tommy stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Tommy?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Little Tommy watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Little Tommy 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Little Tommy wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Little Tommy! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Tommy quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Tommy asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?"
Little Tommy attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Little Tommy asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Little Tommy, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'
Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, And finally they got married, and had a little sweet Potato, which they Called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts Of life.
They warned her about going Out and getting Half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and Get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and End up with a bunch of tater tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get Her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe , Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam To watch out For the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French fries. And When she went out West, to Watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped..
Yam said she would stay on the straight and Narrow and wouldn't associate with Those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all The trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for Her, one-day Yam came home And announced she was Going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't Possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins On the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ? Wonder no more ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow" "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value..
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past..
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give apenny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So .. . . if I didn't give any money to them, what the heck makes you think I'd give any to you?"
With all the fear of radiation fallout from Japan I thought it might be useful to tell you about a cheap, effective, homemade radiation tester you can easily assemble and rely upon.
Follow these simple instructions, IT REALLY WORKS!!
OPEN A BAG OF ORVILLE REDENBOCKER MICROWAVE POPCORN.
Rod, I'll keep your radiation test in mind. In Japan, radiation is a real worry. Poor souls.
In the U.S.A, we worry about our economy due to what's happening around the world, and that's why a woman has to be a good Financial Planner. For instance, here's a true story about a guy named Dan:
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are good financial planners!
Wagga was seated in his wheelchair in the rest home when one of the female residents went walking down the hallway flapping open her robe calling out "Super sex, super sex." Wagga looks up and after a gander declares, "I'll have the soup."
Between Wagga's boxed soup and Whitney Fan's "serious" puzzle, I was scratching my head so much that my hair needed to be washed which made me think of a "silly" joke.......
CATHOLIC SHAMPOO
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cold beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?" The second nun answered, "Indeed it would sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout."
"I can handle that without a problem." she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the checkout. "The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. One of the nuns explained "We use beer for washing our hair, a shampoo of sort, if you will."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "In that case, the curlers are on the house."
lyn-a-roo samething here I was reading the puzzel thread and reminded of a silly joke. A man is told he only has 6 months to live by his doctor. The man screams out. "I will pay anything and any amount if you can make me live longer" The doctor says "Get married to a mean old shrew and move to Bakersfield" The man said "That will make me live longer?" Doctor says "No but it will feel like forever."
Mike,I think you're correct, it is Fresno. No offense to you Frenonians
Wagga, loved the nun joke.
Wagga, in all my math classes, we never taked about a Mobius Strip, not in Algebra nor Calculus, you must have taken upper, upper level math - I had to read the definition in Wikipedia.
lynn-a-roo reminded me about driving. Bob Hope said here in LA we have 2 baseball teams. The Dogers and the Angels.If you drive SoCal Freeways you are either one or the other.
Bob Hope reminds me of his description of the four stages of forgetting. 1st you forget peoples names 2nd you forget peoples faces 3rd you forget to zip up 4th you forget to zip down
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint,
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink!?'
Little Tommy has retired is now the senior member of the nursing home and at the age of 94 still gets around pretty good. One of his favorite places to go is the garden where he can sit in seclusion and ponder his life's accomplishments.
One day his old friend Little Suzie enters the home. She walks in and the two begin to talk. Soon the conversation turns to sex and Little Tommy says "that's what I miss most of all." The woman looks at the frail Little Tommy and says "you old coot...what makes you think you can still get it up?" "I suppose you're right" says Little Tommy "but at least it would be nice if someone would just hold it." The old woman saw no harm in this and agreed to "hold it" and this activity went on everyday for a couple of weeks.
One day Little Suzie went into the garden to be with Little Tommy and he was nowhere to be found. She was told he was last seen in room 905 so off she went. Little Suzie arrives at room 905 and is shocked to find Little Tommy with another nursing home member named Mabel. They are sitting together and Mabel is "holding it", Little Suzie instantly becomes irrate and shouts "Little Tommy, how could you do this to me, what does she have that I don't have?"...Little Tommy just smiles and says "Parkinsons".
Little Tommy has retired is now the senior member of the nursing home and at the age of 94 still gets around pretty good. One of his favorite places to go is the garden where he can sit in seclusion and ponder his life's accomplishments.
One day his old friend Little Suzie enters the home. She walks in and the two begin to talk. Soon the conversation turns to sex and Little Tommy says "that's what I miss most of all." The woman looks at the frail Little Tommy and says "you old coot...what makes you think you can still get it up?" "I suppose you're right" says Little Tommy "but at least it would be nice if someone would just hold it." The old woman saw no harm in this and agreed to "hold it" and this activity went on everyday for a couple of weeks.
One day Little Suzie went into the garden to be with Little Tommy and he was nowhere to be found. She was told he was last seen in room 905 so off she went. Little Suzie arrives at room 905 and is shocked to find Little Tommy with another nursing home member named Mabel. They are sitting together and Mabel is "holding it", Little Suzie instantly becomes irrate and shouts "Little Tommy, how could you do this to me, what does she have that I don't have?"...Little Tommy just smiles and says "Parkinsons".
OK all you parents that have children reading this board, explain this one to them!! (smiley face here)
Mike, once again, I hear ya, Wagga is out of control.
Wagga, I liked your silly koala and lizard joke, however PETA is going to be after you for letting a koala smoke, but as for your Little Tommy jokes, well I only have this to say about that.....
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...
'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men... are, men.
GRACE, Seemed sheepish as she Visited her gynecologist.
'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me.'
'This one's kind of strange...'
'Let me be the judge of that,'The doctor replied.
'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'
'I see.'
'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!'
The gynecologist put a comforting Hand on her shoulder. 'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Ready for this?) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (I'm warning you.....)~! ~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Still not too late....delete now!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You're simply going through the change!
Groannnnnnnnnnnnn THESE ARE ACTUAL ENTRIES FOR A COMPETITION IN THE WASHINGTON POST WHICH ASKED FOR A TWO-LINE POEM WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I'm dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you're not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss; But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other, ---that is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet & so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty...and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace: But don't take the paper bag off of your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes. Damn, I'm good at telling lies.
9. My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe, "Go to hell".
10.What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.
There is a monastery near Aspen, Colorado, called Snowmass. All the monks have taken a vow of silence. They rarely speak. Each day begins with morning worship. The service starts when the head abbot comes in and chants, "Good morning."
The monks chant in reply, "Good morning."
They say not another word until evening vespers, when the head abbot comes in and chants, "Good evening."
The monks all reply in unison, "Good evening." Not another word is spoken until the next morning.
Several years ago one of the monks decided he had to break up the boredom of this routine. The next morning when the head abbot chanted, "Good morning," all the other monks responded, "Good morning", except the one bored monk who, hiding his identity from the other monks, chanted, "Good evening."
Quickly, the head abbot sang in reply: "Some-one chanted evening. He must be a stranger."
At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.
He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off so she called the security company that installed it.
The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "OK dad, I missed the signal yesterday but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the damn thing off so I don't have to call the security company again."
The alarm fell silent.
She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news.
His response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"
PS:
I've told this joke around the campfire a time or two. Whilst looking for a copy to cut & paste instead of typing it in, I stumbled across this Saint Google "Cooking's Done" video: Well, half of us should enjoy it.
A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk said, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.
"The word is 'celebrate,' not 'celibate'!" sobbed the head monk.
Well, just like I was a day early posting Halloween stories, today I'm going to be a day late posting a silly Easter joke, but it really doesn't matter because like jolly ol' Santa Claus, there really is an Easter Bunny and he's alive and well somewhere today and as happy as ever.
THEEASTERBUNNYSAGA......
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is theEaster Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves,
hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
For wagga There once was a butterfly who fell in love with a bumblebee. Said the bumblebee to the butterfly, "Will thou marry me?" "Nay Nay", said the butterfly. "For I am the daughter of a monarch and you are just a son of a bee."
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
Seeing as this Friday, April 29th, 2011 is the final launch of the space shuttle Endeavour, this Silly Joke seems very fitting. I only hope someone on the moon is listening.
Subject: Navajo message
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously, but he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: "Watch out for these assholes. They've come to steal your land."
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of New Mexico when her car broke down. A Native American on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Native American would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman said.
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known of course as "Sinko de Mayo."
When Kate became a Princess (and a Duchess, too!) much of the world latched onto her younger sister's amazing bridesmaid behind. Sites such as "Pippa's Amazing Arse" were founded, twitters were tweet and the mainstream media fell all over themselves with pictures and dreadful, awful buttocks puns. It reminded me of the classically sad movie "Slang The Bum, Drolly".
Hel-lo, hold on! Just what is that in her back pocket? Ha'penny, I think, yes, with the calm sea reverse . . . but can it, could it possibly be? Why yes, yes, it is indeed, its a 1957 calm sea ha'penny!! I too, am shocked beyond words!! Who is that woman, someone should tell her!! She could be rich!!
Saltydog, I had to do a search on ha-penny, I had no idea what it was. I have to tell you, I don't get what you're saying about a ha-penny and Pippa, you've got me stumped. Since the subject is British, I thought I'd carry on with some more British humor - here's your laugh for the day:
You have to love British humour! These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little SOB. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
A friend of mine had been at a truck stop getting some lunch. The food was good, prices reasonable, and the service fairly good. After finishing his meal, he and his companion were drinking coffee and talking, and noticed their waitress talking to one of the customers at the lunch counter. He wanted a refill and wasn't able to catch her eye, but did notice that the customer seemed to be a friend of hers.
Just as he was about to get up and ask for a cup he noticed her laughing at something her friend said. Then she reached into the pocket of her uniform, pulled out her pack of cigarettes, and gave one to her friend.
Well, Steve says he never had a chance to stand up, let alone ask for another cup of coffee, for just then two highway patrolmen seated on the other side of him flew to their feet, knocking over their chairs, and just about knocked him down getting to the waitress. As one was cuffing her, the other was reading her her rights. The poor girl was flabbergasted, but was finally able to ask what the matter was. The one who had read her her rights cited some portion of the penal code by number, but she just looked even more confused. The other patrolman, perhaps feeling a little friendlier, turned to her and said, "Ma'am, you're being charged . . . with contributing to the malignancy of a diner."
At that same truck stop a trucker was filling up his gas tank not paying attention to the fact that gas was slashing on his sleeve and hand.He then got into his truck and started to drive away. He lit up a cigarette and his sleeve burst into flames. The trucker stuck his arm out the window and was shaking and waving it trying to put out the flames.Those Highway Patrol pulled him out of his truck and handcuffed him. They then arrested him. He was arrested for waving a firearm.
I was in a Chinese restaurant the other week, and the waitress asked me, "Won ton?"
I cleverly replied, "Not now."
But the weird thing is that a few days after that at the golf course the foursome ahead of me asked if I wanted to play through them. I said, "Not now." But then, inexplicably, a couple of Chinese gentlemen appeared from behind a bush clapping.
Yeah, it's a strange world.
I also remember dinner in a Mexican restaurant one time, when I asked the waitress, "How about a little guacamole?" Surprisingly, she immediately flared up, screaming, "Don't you DARE get fresh with me!"
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep do do now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther..
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
A funeral director asked a young minister to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery, and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
The minister was not familiar with the area and became lost. He finally found the cemetery about an hour later. The back hoe was there, and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
He apologized to the workers for being late. As he looked into the open grave, he saw the vault lid already in place. He told the workers he would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
He was young and enthusiastic and poured out his heart and soul as he preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" He got so into the service that he preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to Revelations.
When the service was over, he said a prayer and walked to his car. As he opened the door, he heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic systems for 20 years."
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.
Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Mary" said the teacher
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!" Then I would say,"It is dog crap. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?" "I used the Government approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
Rod's joke left a foul taste in my mouth and all I did was read it (ha,ha,ha). Here's a Silly Joke About A Guy Who Probably Doesn't Need a Toothbrush, He Probably Soaks His Teeth Clean.
Old Guy... An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing... He asked the trainer that was near by "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby".......
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy !!!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs'.
'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us'.
'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin'.
'He bested me at every move and I could not continue'.
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. 'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger'. 'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here'. And then what' asked a woman? 'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine'.
A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she said, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."
Her husband asked, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"
She replied, "It's me ......... talking to the wine."..
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet sowe could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary: Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People." You think Genitalia is an Italian airline. You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean. Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!" Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Wow, Rod, you're on a roll. You've posted some really great silly jokes. I better get cookin'and drum up some silly jokes to post myself. Looks like you've been holding back some good ones on us...thanks for the laughs. I need to watch Wagga's last post on a computer with sound...sounds like he fell in love with the sweet young thing on stage. Wagga hasn't been creatively writing silly jokes lately, he must be experiencing an 'Outback Dry-Spell'.
Actually a deadline for the next software release. Gonna sneak in a few minutes later to catch up on Jessica, find out why the WITWHH crowd evaporated, and tomorrow I'm off to the REI Whitney presentation with that attitude guy & Steve C.
What do you get when you cross 50 pigs with 50 deer?
Wagga, you had me cross-eyed again, I thought, what in the world does he mean by a hundred sows and bucks, and then it hit me, good one...took me by surprise when I got it...I like it. You guys are going to be great at REI, maybe you can incorporate some of your humor into the presentation, I'm sure the audience would love the laughs, they're good for the soul...record it and put it on YouTube. You guys can reach even more people on YouTube plus you can critique your presentation to improve future presentations.
Lately, getting into condition for Mt. Whitney has been a struggle for me which made me think about my future if I didn't start getting up and getting my body moving more and all this thinking made a silly joke pop into my head, and here it is....
No nursing home for me. I'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble. I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $59.23 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon. That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. $5 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii ? They have Holiday Inn there too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family.. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.
I figure with Congressman Weiner and his escapades splashed across my TV screen and newspaper everyday for the last two weeks that this silly joke is fair game and entirely appropriate.
Showering Habits Everyday Living
How to shower like a woman 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups. 4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair. 11. Shave armpits and legs. 12. Turn off shower. 13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. 15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs. 16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Showering Habits Everyday Living
How to shower like a man 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire your wiener and scratch your butt. 4. Get in the shower. 5. Wash your armpits. 6. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. 7. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower. 8. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding areas. 9. Wash your butt, leaving butt hairs stuck on the soap. 10. Shampoo your hair. 11. Make a shampoo Mohawk. 12. Pee. 13. Rinse off and get out of shower. 14. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. 15. Admire wiener again. 16. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. 17. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. 18. Throw wet towel on bed.
Re: I object to that characterization. Tom, you scared me, I almost thought I had totally offended you.
A Tale of Two Nuns > >There were two nuns... > >One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), > >and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). > >It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. > >SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past >thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. > >SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. > >SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What >can we do? > >SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. > >SM: It's not working. > >SL: Of course it's not working The man did the only > >logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. > >SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. > >SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go >this way. He cannot follow us both. > >So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. > > > >Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is > >worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. > >Then Sister Logical arrives. > >SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! >Tell me what happened! > >SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he >followed me. > >SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? > >SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and >he started to run as fast as he could. > >SM: And? > >SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. > >SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? > >SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. > >SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? > >SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. > > >SM: Oh, no! What happened then? > >SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? >A nun with her dress up can run faster than man >with his pants down. > >And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, > >Say two Hail Mary's! > >
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow" "Freeze a jolly good fellow.."
When Mr. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening the day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."
"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her."
"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"
The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Eric grinned,"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "I think you'll figure it out."
young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled man asked.
"Yes, the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures that he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he tries again to stand up and falls flat on his face. So the Irishman crawls home. At the door he again tries to stand up, only to fall flat on his face. So he then craws through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting. " So you've been out drinking again!!!" " How did you know?" he asks. " The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied. 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.
The man replied, ' Ontario '.
'Really?', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .' 'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
Super Salesman! A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Texas and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$141,237.65".
The boss says "$141,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod and reel. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft" Boat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Ford Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.
Oh Doc....That was JUST what I needed today. Do you know that people tend to give you strange looks when you suddenly bust out laughing in the middle of an office???
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.
I have a sick kitty. Needs pills. There is more than a little truth in this...
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss-back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve the [bleep]ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
Tie the little [bleep]'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
1) When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant. 2) Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants. 3) A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. 4) The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills. 5) While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle. 6) Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience. 7) Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match. 8) You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass. 9) You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese. 10) The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians. 11) When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on. 12) Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone. 13) A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup. 14) A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck. 15) In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear. 16) The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling. 17) The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle. 18) It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home. 19) Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the too th, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth honey, and show the doctor".
Modern Life: ''I was in the public toilets and had just sat down,'' reports Mark Lang, of Byron Bay. ''A voice from the next cubicle said 'Hi! How are you?' Embarrassed, I said, 'I'm doing fine.' The voice said, 'So what are you up to?' I said, 'Just doing the same as you, sitting here!' From next door, 'Can I come over?' Annoyed, I said, 'I'm rather busy right now.' The voice said, 'Listen, I'll have to call you back - there's an idiot next door answering all my questions'.''
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired an efficiency expert to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, he concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per waiter's shift. They determined that if our personnel were better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 5 man-hours per shift."
"Amazing," I said. "I can see how that would really increase efficiency." And as luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now," he explained.
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Well, management doesn't like us to talk about that," he said in a lowered voice. "Not everyone is so observant, and I see how interested you are, so I'll tell you. That expert I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our peckers, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 50 percent."
"But," I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness. One afternoon, the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'
Six surgeons were sitting around discussing their favorite patients when the first stated that he especially enjoyed operating on poets and artists because . . .
"When I cut them open, they are filled with beautiful colors and the operating room is bathed in wonderful light."
"No way!" said the second surgeon, "I prefer operating on accountants. Inside everything is neat and orderly and all the parts are numbered."
"Nah," said the third surgeon, "librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth responds: "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded!"
The fifth intercedes: "Personally, I prefer engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
"You're all wrong," said the sixth surgeon, "The best are lawyers. No guts, no heart, no spine. They only have two parts — their mouths and their rears, and both of these are interchangeable!"
This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death.
However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself,and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground.
Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a real ------- when you're drunk!"
Why sharks circle first. Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into t heir magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
The first man married a woman from Michigan. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Nebraska. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Hawaii. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table at every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood,plastic - anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed.
The next day, the king held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was the object in the prince's pants? (Scroll down for the answer.)
x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
They were M&M's!!! - (get your mind out of the gutter !!) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!
>> A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "You were in a huge pile-up on the highway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again, but your manly-part was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it." >> >> The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation and we now have the technology to build a new manly-part. They work great but they're not cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
>> The man perks up.
>> "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. I understand that you've been married almost thirty years. You should discuss this with your wife. If you had a 5-incher before and get a 9-incher now, she might be overwhelmed. If you had a 9-incher before and you decide to only invest in a 5-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
>> The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
>> The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
>> "Yes I have," says the man.
>> "And has she helped you make a decision?"
>> "Yes" says the man.
>> "What is your decision?" asks the doctor. >> >> >> >> >> "We're getting granite counter tops
A super model was giving evidence at a trial. Asked to introduce herself she said "I am the most incredible result of creation in all of my generation, an exquisite and fine example."
Snickering, the lawyer asked "Surely, Miss you could give yourself a more modest introduction?"
A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job. He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride in the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.
The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at it. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains." The Newfie promptly answers, "It's a Sitka spruce and contains 383 board feet of lumber." The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window. and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class. "It's a Douglas fir and has 690 board feet." says the Newfie. Now the foreman is really impressed.The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator!
One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?" Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A yellow cedar, 242 board feet." The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office. He's a little peeved because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree." The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How does he know which is the front of the tree?"
When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "That is the front of the tree," the Newfie states, cocksure. The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the heck do you know that's the front of the tree?"The Newfie looks down at his feet, and replies, "Cuz someone took a poop behind it."
The Monsters aren't mashing very well this year, but Doug and Earlene and still whipping up something good for Halloween over at the Whitney Portal Store, check it out.
A Haitian bank teller thought she was being followed by a zombie, so she went to the police. The detective said, "OK, you think some guy is following you?"
She said, "Not 'some guy' - a zombie. One of the walking dead."
The detective sighed in relief and told her to go on back to her job at the bank, because, he said, "The first thing every detective learns is ... Dead Men Tail No Tellers."
This morning on Hwy. 395 outside of Lone Pine, Steve C. looked over to his left and there was Bee in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
Steve C. looked away for a couple seconds....to continue shaving and when he looked back Bee was halfway over in his lane, still working on her makeup.
As a man, Steve C. didn't scare easily, but Bee scared him so much that he dropped his electric shaver which knocked the donut out of his other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using his knees against the steering wheel, his Cell Phone was knocked away from his ear.
The Phone fell into the coffee between his legs! The coffee splashed, burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked his trousers, and disconnected an important call.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
When you say he's not very good I'm assuming you're referring to your dog guarding borders..........being in the UK you don't have any borders to speak of.......your doggie would have to guard the shore from frogmen and subs.......of course there is Scotland and Ireland, those lads you may want to guard against, they'll eat all your fish & chips.
I wont try to explain the joke to you lets just say its topical and about world events I am frequently surprised by the average American's lack of knowledge about things happening out side their own state, let alone their country and also their lack of geographical knowledge I don,t know why that still surprises me
I wont try to explain the joke to you lets just say its topical and about world events I am frequently surprised by the average American's lack of knowledge about things happening out side their own state, let alone their country and also their lack of geographical knowledge I don,t know why that still surprises me
SaraC., You are correct, I think of the UK as only England, even though I know better. I've traveled much of Europe's continent (the continent seemed to be what everyone referred to as France, Germany, Spain, Portugal, Italy, Austria, Belgium, etc.) I visited the UK twice. When I traveled Europe, the Europeans didn't seem to know many of the States of the United States, except for mostly California and New York. If I told someone the city I was from in California they would look cross-eyed at me, so I would simply say Los Angeles or the OC (if I were to tell them I reside in Villa Park they would have no idea where my home is). The next best thing to say is I'm from the area of Disneyland.
USA citizens as well as probably all North Americans do study Geography, it's mandatory in our schools, and USA citizens do keep up on current events as you do and as many people do around the world.
I love the WZ, I get to meet people like you, from whatever part of the UK you reside. The WZ is a a global message board...I've spoken with posters from France, Australia and more countries. It's good to see people from around the world enjoying the WZ and coming to the USA to visit our National Parks and to hike or climb Mt. Whitney.
I'm glad to see you enjoy the WZ too. Please keep up the silly joke thread, I can always use a good chuckle, after a while I'm sure to catch on to your humor....hey, if I can catch on to Wagga's humor, I can catch on to anyone's from any country.
I welcome you.
Sincerely, L-A-R
P.S. I forgot to mention that every time I think of the UK I think of England and Queen Elizabeth first before anything else, that's why I thought of the countries nearest to England being best for the dog in your silly joke to guard.
This is a real story, and actually happened right here in Fresno. Quite funny, but terribly sad, too.
I went to the phone store to get a new cell phone. The two young women who served me were very well-versed with the product & plans, etc.
On of them asked me where my accent came from. Now, I really don't have an accent, but I played along & said "the South".
So she guessed "Georgia" & I said "Nope", so she tried again with "Tennessee". Said "Nope", & she couldn't think of any more southern states. So I told her "Much further South".
At this stage of the story, I want to point out that earlier both ladies had stated that they were enrolled in the local State University.
So, now they couldn't think of anything further south. So I gave them a huge clue - "South of the Equator".
Big blank stares - then, "Are we supposed to know what that is?" from one of them!
I don't blame them - much of the educational system here is a vast wasteland - a very expensive vast wasteland.
Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.
This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air; It knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner and burst with a deafening boom; Then splattered all over the kitchen completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows, it totally coated the floor; There was turkey attached to the ceiling where there'd never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance, it smeared every saucer and bowl; There wasn't a way I could stop it - that turkey was out of control!
I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure, and thought with chagrin as I mopped That I'd never again stuff a turkey with popcorn that hadn't been popped.
I was sitting next to a priest in a pub in Boston having Irish bean soup and raving about how great it tasted...when he offered that "the Irish have a strict rule that this soup have no more than 239 beans per serving.'
I ASKED, "Why this strict rule?"
And in his finest Irish tongue he said, "If we added just one more bean it would be too farty."
John invited his mother over for Thanksgiving dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter back from his mother:
Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
Love, Mom.
Below is a cute website for the kids on Thanksgiving. Sorry this came at the end of a rather 'PG' / 'R' rated silly joke.
A redneck family from the holler went to the big city for the first time. At St. Patrick's Cathedral, Ma went off to the altar, and Pa and the oldest son took a pew in the Nave. Now St. Patrick's has been upgraded over the years, & Pa was curious about the large, shiny rectangle on the side wall.
After a while, a very decrepit, ugly old lady hobbled up to the shiny object with her cane and waited patiently. Soon, the shiny mirror parted in the middle and the old woman just managed to make it through before the mirror became whole again.
Some lights flashed on and off and then the mirror parted again and the most gorgeous young woman Pa had ever seen sashayed sexily though the portal.
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. Well, I have done something about it: a couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.
Paddy & Mick worked together in St. John's, Newfoundland and were both laid off.
So off they went to the unemployment office together. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and tongs".
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, and gave him $80.00 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in, and when asked his occupation, replied, "Diesel Fitter". Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160.00 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitter's are skilled labour".
What skill? Yelled Paddy." I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs; Mick puts 'em over his head and says:
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's attitude, he drew his ray gun and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he re-focused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his wiener over his shoulder and then stick it in his ear.'
They say all are welcome to worship, but even the Catholic Church has to have some standards. On Christmas morning, Father Bohr was having a hard time keeping undesirables out.
First was Dr. Schrodinger and his cat. The priest said, "You can't bring that cat in here. It looks half dead!"
An electron, a proton and a neutron came up to Father Bohr and asked how much their indulgences would cost. The priest said that it was going to be expensive for the electron, because he is so negative. The fee would be normal for the proton, but with the neutron, of course, there was no charge.
Then Father Bohr had to throw out a man who believed in the heat death of the Universe. They didn't want any Kelvinists.
He wouldn't allow electricity in as he knew it couldn't conduct itself.
After the sanctuary was full, a small furry mammal arrived. The priest told him, "Sorry, our occupancy is only 6.02*10^20. We can't hold a mole."
The last to arrive was Higgs Boson. The priest didn't notice him at first, but caught up with him before he could sit in a pew. "I'm sorry. We don't allow your kind here."
Higgs Bosun replied, "But without me, you have no mass!"
GUYS, GREAT CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR YOUR WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND
Apple announced today it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit costs from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts--
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?
Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late And we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come with all our toys.
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same ol', same ol'...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...and begin to sing: "What A Friend We Have in Jesus". Then we all go to the Bahamas".
All my friends, no matter what religion, liked this one, hope you do too.
The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day's competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out.
The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Lara Bingle (you can Google her under Cricket) invited Michael Clarke (you can Google him under Cricket) around for Christmas dinner a few short years ago. She didn't claim to be a good cook, but wanted to serve a home-made meal for him. Actually, she admits to being a lousy cook.
Michael found a very dense object on his plate which was a kind of radioactive green. It made a clunking sound when he dropped it - couldn't even get a fork into it.
"What", he said, "is this?" She, glorying in her new-found cooking skills, replied "Jello".
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. It won first prize.
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..
I NEED SILLY IRISH JOKES FOR A 50TH BIRTHDAY PARTY THIS COMING WEEKEND, Saturday, Jan. 14th
Hello Fellow WZers,
If you have any silly Irish jokes can you please post them to this thread. I need them for a 50th Birthday Party I'm attending for a good friend this weekend on Saturday. I'll do a search on this thread to see if any Irish jokes have already been posted.
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried.
We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please, call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it wasn't for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Geof how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks.
This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they sometimes got sick that way with food they ate in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
By the way, what is a pedophile?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Brandon
P. S.: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot ?
1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. 2. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. 3. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. 4. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. 5. You lick your coffeepot clean. 6. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." 7. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. 8. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. 9. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. 10. You can jump-start your car without cables. 11. All your kids are named "Joe." 12. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." 13. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. 14. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. 15. People get dizzy just watching you. 16. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup." 17. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. 18. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. 19. You're so wired, you pick up FM radio. 20. Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans." 21. Instant coffee takes too long. 22. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." 23. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. 24. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. 25. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. 26. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." 27. You get drunk just so you can sober up. 28. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. 29. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. 30. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. 31. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. 32. You don't tan, you roast. 33. You can't even remember your second cup. 34. You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate." 35. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone, but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched; how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet, but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the parish priest at the local Catholic church, at which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the priest back his money. The priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her Husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting in the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said... (You'll love this...) (I know you will...) . . . .
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do... Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did" said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too" said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach.
"Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
Loved the story Steve, and I noticed there was a football in it.
#4 Football Joke for the Big Game Tomorrow
Dallas Cowboys
The Texas State Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas. For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl? A. The Dallas Cowboys
Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common? A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ."
Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard? A. Put up a goal post.
Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring? A. A thief.
Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill? A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl? A. Nobody remembers and we will never find out!
Q. What do the Cowboys and opossums have in common? A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
If you're a Cowboys Fan, just remember this.....I just post the silly jokes, I don't write them, feel free to strike the Cowboys out and replace them with your least favorite team.
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's vigor and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said,"Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me."
When asked by a young patrol officer "Do You know you were speeding?" This 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated: "Yes, but .... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going." The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So, then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So, then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
One day a young american and his girlfriend decided to visit an art museum during their vacation in France. Wanting to impress his girlfriend with his knowledge of the language, he pointed to a fly high up on the wall and said, "Le mouche." A frenchman standing near tried to correct him, "No, monsieur. Ees la mouche. Ees feminine." The american looked at him for a moment, then looked back at the fly. He said, "You must have got yourself some incredible eyes, man."
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. 'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
One of the most famous musicians of the Big Band era had three spinster sisters, who were avid baseball fans. As the Count toured across country, he would treat the three sisters to tickets for what ever game was in town. This could have been because he genuinely loved his sisters, or it might have been related to the fact that they liked to drink. They liked a little Jack. Black Label Jack, in fact.
So, here we are in Kansas City. The girls carried in a bottle (those were the days before fans were subjected to searches). They settled in the best seats in the field (first row behind home plate, but a little to the side of the catcher) and enjoyed a snog or two or three and so on.
Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has more innings to go.
Question: At that point, what is happening in the game?
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have beenforced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum Stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?" he asked
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
A police officer pulls over a hard of hearing, elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment.
The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.
She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say, what did he say?"
The husband yells, "He said he stopped you for speeding."
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say, what did he say?
The husband yells, "he wants to see your driver's license."
The woman hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town. The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst lay of his life there.
The woman looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say, what did he say?"
''After a busy day I settled down in my train from Southern Cross for a nap as far as my destination at Bendigo,'' writes Peter Nelson, ''when the chap sitting near me hauled out his mobile and started up. 'Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30, but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss. No darling, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart', etc, etc. This was still going on at Sunbury, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice 'Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!'''
A Sid Mummers Night Stream Little Tommy stomped loudly into the kitchen & yelled at the top of his voice "GOTTA PISS!". Arthur Sydney's mother, Arthur Sydney, and Little Susie (with eyes like saucers) were agog at Little Tommie's language. "LITTLE TOMMIE", yelled Sydney's mother, "YOU MUST NEVER SAY THAT WORD AGAIN!"
Well, Little Tommy, and Little Susie went on to fame with their own panopoly of Little Tommy/Little Susie jokes. Such as the classic - when Little Tommy & Little Susie disrobed to cross a creek - Can I touch it, she said - NO! Little Tommie replied - You already snapped yours' off!
Arthur Sydney, however, was permanently marked by that occasion, and never uttered that word again for the rest of his life. In fact he became enamored by all the euphemisms for micturation and urination and actually made a reputation for himself in high school for "Draining the Lizard", "Pointing Percy at the Porcelain", and many, many other euphemisms.
When it came time for A. Sydney (as he called himself after high school) to earn a real living in the real world, he became a local hero in the stand-up comedy genre. Unlike Carlin, he refused to call a something a something and garnered a local following. His audience loved "Take a Slash", "See a Man About a Horse", "Making Yellow Snow", "Undrink this morning's Juice", "Gotta Return the Beer I Rented This Evening", and "Shake the Dew off the Lily".
However, there was another, more physical side to that traumatic moment as a child. Syd found that he could only "Siphon the Python" or "Pump Ship" during night-time hours - he could never "Break The Seal" or "Check out the Hamsters Whirlpool Bath", or "Drain the Trouser Snake" or "Have the River Run Through" during the day! However, his girlfriend could "Bail the Canoe" anytime she needed to.
The next stage in A. Sydney's career was playing masked characters in street parades. Not a true actor, but a very sought-after mummer in Philadelphia. Truth be told, he was very popular as a float driver, because he never needed to stop to "Strain the Potatoes" or "Drown a Pommie" or "Shake Hands With an Old Friend"!
Eventually A. Sid (as he called himself by this time) became a playwright and wrote some very successful Off-Broadway plays, which depended rather heavily on the old peeing euphemisms - "The Urinal of the Opera"/"The Whiz"/"Piddler on the Roof"/"The Producers"/"Peespray"/"Cats Pray"/"How to Succeed in Business Without Really Peeing"/"La Cage aux Pissoir"/"The Best Little Pisser in Texas"/Les Pissérables"/"Guys and Dolls Do It Differently" and his crowning glory, "Sir Pissalot".
Finally, being wildly successful, A. Sid sought medical relief for his unique condition. His doctor, puzzled by this strange and unique syndrome, referred Sid to a trick cyclist (psychiatrist).
The psychiatrist, who had not only known of Sid's plays, but attended all of the performances, was awe-struck by his new referral. Sid, he said, "May I call you Sid"? - would you like to participate in a learned scientific paper about your unique condition? No, said Sid, "It's kinda embarrassing!" "But it might be framed in the context of a play". "So what would you you name it", opined the learned trick cyclist? Would it be a tragedy? No, said A. Sid, more like a seasonal comedy, with a play within a play. Said the learned psychiatrist, how about "A. Sid Mummer's Night Stream"? A Sid Mummers Night Stream
Ok, wagga, that one took some time to develop. Not a bad original. ...it DEFINITELY takes a twisted mind to come up with "A. Sid Mummer's Night Stream"
I had to go searching to figure out what in the world a "mummer" was. Several good explanations here: From The English Ale : Adelaide : South Australia: Mummers' and Guisers' Plays and Wikipedia: Mummers Parade
Was "A. Sid Mummer's Night Stream" an original....wow, it was awesome. Loved it.
Keeping with the theme of Piss: This morning as Wagga was buttoning his shirt, a button fell off. After that, he picked up his briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then he went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. He went to get into his car, and the door handle came off in his hand. Now he's afraid to pee.
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.
"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"
"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.
"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"
"Charmin is $2.00 a roll and no name is 50 cents a roll." The Indian doesn't have much money so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours he is back at the trading post. "I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."
"Why?" asks the confused clerk.
"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian."
Even in grade school, just after graduating from Kindy, Vangelis & Becky found themselves isolated from all the "mainstream" kids, who had rejected them because they smelled just a bit "off". Becky's mom was a stickler for personal hygiene, making sure that Becks had at least one shower or bath each day. Vangelis, unusually for a boy, knew that he could be a little pungent after physical exercise, so took at least two showers a day. In spite of all the cleansing and scrubbing effort, both kids still emitted a not-so-faint, distinctive, and not particularly soapy odor.
Thrown together by the herd's rejection, they became best friends, neither noticing the others scent - Today it could all be explained with pheromone science & biochemistry and folded protein receptors and so forth, but back then it was instinktive, I suppose. So Vang & Becks were BFFs all through Elementary, Middle and High School. Of course, in High School, they started petting, and Van particularly adored Beck's creamy (Oops, getting off-topic here)... But they loved and respected each other and stayed very close - inseparable even. Because they studied and explored the intellectual universe together, they also set the scoring curve so high that their grades were routinely way over 100% so that at least one other student could pass each class.
Given the exaggerated emotions of high school kids, it was no surprise that many of the other "mainstream" students resented Vang's handsomeness, Beck's incandescent beauty and their unmatched academic scores - but mostly their solid relationship. The only thing the herd could criticize the couple on was the faint but lingering olfactory signature.
Now, at Graduation, a dozen years after they first met, Vangelis was absolutely proud to ask his only love Becky to the Prom - and she accepted ecstatically. However, some of the kids who remembered the stinky issues from way back were incredibly jealous of the couple and plotted to embarrass them, pulling in many students for a "prank" at the Prom.
At the Prom, the last dance - the romantic slow dance, the plotters (and most of the other students) circled Becky & Vance & pulled out aerosol cans of Potpourri and AireWick and Glade and other air fresheners and started spraying!
Becky, imminent tears in her eyes, turned to Vangelis, who declaimed loudly to students and faculty "Thank you everybody! This is so romantic!"
The plotters, now totally confused, nonplussed and ashamed by this unexpected response, fell back hastily from the couple.
Becky, uncomprehending, again looked to Vangelis, her lifelong love, who continued... "They're Slaying Our Pong"
Central California and Australia produce some of the finest cotton in the world. The reason is that it never (well, hardly ever) rains in California and, using irrigation from the Sierras, the crop can be kept at the exact soil moisture necessary to optimize plant growth. The same situation exists in parts of Australia, where it truly never rains, but the water is supplied by Artesian wells. Never so dry that the crop is stunted or dies, never so wet so that fungus and weevils destroy the bolls. Egypt has had a similar situation for millenia.
One of the early pioneers in California was Theodore. When he moved from Colorado to California in the century-before-last and started growing cotton, he named the company The-Tell, after his hometown Telluride. (and, of course, himself).
A mere hundred years after The-Tell was founded, the then-management realized that cheap computers, with newly-developed inexpensive sensors and automated water dispensers, could actually apply the exact number of drops of water required for each and every cotton plant to maximize the quality and quantity of cotton bolls produced. So they did that. And they made wonderful cotton. Which they still do.
Unfortunately for The-Tell, about this very same time, synthetic fibers and films were developed which were both waterproof and breathable - and that's where the phrase "Cotton Kills" entered the lexicon.
So The-Tell research scientists started research to counter this synthetic threat. One characteristic of cotton is that it has a very high resistance to electricity. Hoping that a new flat-film battery technology carried by the user would allow a low-resistance fabric to cause an electric current to warm, dry and protect the outdoors user, The-Tell developed a natural optimal low electrical-resistance cotton for outdoor apparel. After years of earnest effort, they've dubbed the new technology "Papa", and called the new product "4 Ohm The-Tell Bolls".
Born in Wagga Wagga, New South Wales, Australia, I've hiked/backpacked the Australian Alps and the California Sierras for all of my life. I'm Strine - (Google Affabeck Lauder).
So, on a Trans-Sierra Day Hike (TSDH) a few years ago, the following actually happened.
Crossing the Sierras ("The Range of Light", according to John Muir) in a single day is not only possible, but very instructive. If you start at the Rock Creek Complex, you can meet up for lunch mid-way with the folks who began the day at the Vermillion Valley Resort, swap car keys & boogie on home.
Moving East to West, you start out in the Summer rain shadow of the Sierras, quickly move up from the desert via Ruby Lake to snow-covered Mono Pass, through the Hudson Bay ecosytem, then descend through the never-ending-elastic-valley-of-infinity passing through the Winter & Fall climates until you reach Summer at the Vermillion Valley Resort. All in a day. On foot. There are several other TSDH possiblities, but this is where this true story happened.
Four major ecosysems in a single day on foot! Using a (then-primitive) GPS reciever, at about 3/4 distance, I told Tim and his wife that they were not quite fast enough to get to the ferry on time. The ferry shuttles hikers across Lake Thomas Edison to Vermillion. It leaves at 4 pm. For the previous two years, I had gotten my party there at 3:55 pm. Missing it meant an additional 6 miles hike. (Ask me how I know). Telling them that 3.15 miles per hour was not quite enough, I exhorted them to achieve 3.45 miles per hour. I even offered to buy them each a beer at the Vermillion Valley Resort if they could beat me to the ferry, else they would have to shout me.
At a break, I came back quietly only to find them discussing the situation. "We need to keep hiking while the Oz is resting", said Tim. "Yeah", said Carla, "we gotta hike while the Strine is not".
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. At the appropriate moment following the eulogy, as his friends and colleagues watched, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a Gynecologist."
Hey WZ members, don't any of you have a silly joke for Wagga and me???
I am game (thanks to the web), but I am terrible at retelling them so here it goes:
Carl was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
This man was walking along the beach in Southern California and discovered what appeared to be a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and sure enough, out came this Genie. The Genie was so excited to be out of the lamp that he gave the man the customary three wishes.
The man thought for a few seconds then said to the Genie, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to. You see I am afraid to fly and I get seasick in the bathtub. I would like you to construct a highway to Hawaii so I can drive there."
The Genie scratched his head, did some quick calculations, then sadly said, "I hate to tell you this but your wish might be too much for me to give. You see, it would take a tremendous amount of time to lobby the Department of Transportation, the Department of Federal Highway and Safety Administration. Then, the construction costs would require further tax hikes. On top of all this, we would have to construct fuel stations along the route as well. I have never had to turn down a wish like this and I am somewhat embarrassed to do so, but can you think of another wish instead of this one?"
The man was disappointed to hear this bad news but took it in stride. He thought a few more seconds and then said, "I have been married for 15 years and have really never been able to understand my wife. I wish you could help me understand my wife."
The Genie interrupted the man quickly and asked, "Would you like that highway two lane or four lane?"
Good one, Mrs. Herrera, HEY, I think I have the same scale! YIKES!!!
Keeping with the theme of weight, here's a new diet....
Cat Miracle Diet
Most diets fail because we stubbornly continue to think and eat like humans. For those us who have never had any success dieting there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure as a cat. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavour as long as it cost more than seventy-five cents per can. Eat one bite of food then look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the most expensive carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up the leftover chicken from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-coloured gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAY THREE:
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the nearest polished aluminium appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: Eat six bugs, assorted varieties, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavour that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
It being Anzac Day, here's a classic of wry Digger humour from David Ovens, of Naremburn. After an artillery barrage in the trenches of Flanders, a light horseman was found buried in mud up to the shoulders. His mates tried valiantly to dig him out but for some reason couldn't budge him. ''Maybe it'd help,'' the light horseman said dryly, ''if I took my feet out of the stirrups.''
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question of the mid-term exam: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, and then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct…leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Note: some may argue and say this theory actually relates to Charles Law.
At Fresno State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends in Chico and have a big party Friday and Saturday nights plus do a Saturday float tubing down the Sacramento River with a kegger putting in at the Hamilton Bridge and taking out at the washout. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Fresno State until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy… then they turned the page. On the second page was written....... . . . . For 95 points: Which tire was flat? _________
I've had a rotten week, mostly, as I've had a digestive condition which caused sudden, unplanned dashes to the bathroom. So I kept in close range and even moved some furniture around so as to have unimpeded access. Girl Next Door (GND) whispered a palliative in my ear & even drove to the pharmacy to get the needed equipment for me. So, twice a day, I did the simple procedure, and it made life a lot more convenient - no more unplanned dashing off when calling a client or engrossed in complex code!
Today is Sunday, and as I'm feeling better I decided to skip the cleansing. I needed to prune some dead branches from the palm tree fifteen or so feet up, so I got my twenty-four foot extension ladder out (exactly the same climbing equipment used on Everest expeditions), extended it all the way, and climbed up the palm tree carrying a saw. When I had almost finished trimming, two things happened: I leaned out too far & barely saved a nasty fall by grabbing a branch. Then that awful feeling of pressure hit! I slid down, couldn't even jump the last few feet and rushed inside. Thankfully I made the Thunder Bowl!
We should learn something from each new day. Today I discovered that it is good to keep your fronds close and your enemas closer.
Edit: This story was posted on the big dog shaggy dog forum today, including Lynn-A-Roos Everest repost.
I don't get it. I plugged the long number in and got a number to the 16th power??? Is there a silly joke in there somewhere....come out, come out wherever you are
Edit by Steve C: Lynn-a-roo, if you carefully put the number 14991338361953636352 into the Decimal box on the MathIsFun screen (remove the zero from the box, then paste our number), it will show you this:
11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on El Capitan. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. The blondes all applauded.
1. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
2. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
3. What English word has three consecutive double letters?
4. If you were in a dark room with a candle, a woodstove, a match and a gas lamp which do you light first?
5. Is an old hundred dollar bill better than a new one?
6. In the NBA, how many men are on the basketball court for each team.
7. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. He has a wife and 2 kids. What does he weigh?
8. I start with the letter e, I end with the letter e. I contain only one letter, Yet I am not the letter e! What am I?
9. There is an ancient invention still used in some parts of the world today that allows people to see through walls. What is it?
10. Light as a feather, nothing in it. A strong man can't hold it more than a minute. What is it?
11. There is a horse tied to a rope. The rope is 10 feet long. There is a bale of hay 23 feet in front of the horse. The horse is able to eat the hay, yet does not break the rope. How is that possible?
12. Mary left on a horse on Sunday, was gone for four days, and came back on Sunday. How did that happen?
13. Imagine you are in a sinking rowboat surrounded by sharks. How would you survive?
14. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
15. There was once a man who had a very selfish and unkind son. So one day the father sent his son to the market with one coin and said, "I am sick and tired of your selfish ways. Take this coin and buy with it: something to feed the cows, something to plant in the garden, something for us to eat, and something for us to drink. Don't come back until you do this!" He is only allowed to buy one item. What did he buy that fulfilled his father's wish?
16. What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Answers:
1. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
You would be in 2nd. You thought first place, huh? Well, you passed the guy in second place, not first.
2. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
Mt. Everest
3.What English word has three consecutive double letters?
Bookkeeper
4. If you were in a dark room with a candle, a woodstove, a match and a gas lamp which do you light first?
The match
5. Is an old hundred dollar bill better than a new one?
No, I'd rather have $100 bill than a new $1 bill.
6. In the NBA, how many men are on the basketball court for each team.
Five. If you said ten, don't feel bad as most people do. "Each team" is the key here.
7. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. He has a wife and 2 kids. What does he weigh?
Meat
8. I start with the letter e, I end with the letter e. I contain only one letter, Yet I am not the letter e! What am I?
An Envelope.
9. There is an ancient invention still used in some parts of the world today that allows people to see through walls. What is it?
A Window
10. Light as a feather, nothing in it. A strong man can't hold it more than a minute. What is it?
Breath
11. There is a horse tied to a rope. The rope is 10 feet long. There is a bale of hay 23 feet in front of the horse. The horse is able to eat the hay, yet does not break the rope. How is that possible?
The rope isn't tied to anything!
12. Mary left on a horse on Sunday, was gone for four days, and came back on Sunday. How did that happen?
The horse's name was Sunday!
13. Imagine you are in a sinking rowboat surrounded by sharks. How would you survive?
Quit imagining!
14. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
One Thousand.
15. There was once a man who had a very selfish and unkind son. So one day the father sent his son to the market with one coin and said, "I am sick and tired of your selfish ways. Take this coin and buy with it: something to feed the cows, something to plant in the garden, something for us to eat, and something for us to drink. Don't come back until you do this!" He is only allowed to buy one item. What did he buy that fulfilled his father's wish?
He bought a watermelon - the juice to drink, the pulp to eat, the seeds to plant in the garden, and the rind to feed the cows!
16. What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?
You go to church and scout out routes to the ceiling
You climb your friends fireplace
You know how to get on your roof without a ladder
You begin buying your shoes 2 sizes too small out of habit
You get mad of having to spend $40 on a pair of Levi's, but don't mind spending $200+ for a pair of Gore-tex
You have no idea why your hands are bleeding
You aerate your lawn with your crampons
Your climbing equipment is worth more than your car
You give up a decent job so you can climb more
You blow a good marriage so you can climb more
Your body is worn out and you need medical attention, but that would take away from your climbing time, so you continue to hobble
When you can't climb, you stoop so low as to read rec.climbing
You insist on eating out in older areas, since the buildings are more "climbable"
Your list of names for future ascents are longer than your list of friends
You remember when the decimal system ended in 5.9
Your ice axe is made of wood
You know you've been climbing too long when you notice that the contents of the relic walls in climbing shops is newer than your own rack.
You remember paying $2 for a biner, but had to make nuts because they were not commercially available
When walking down a cracked sidewalk, you're thinking, "That'll be a good hand hold".
When it hurts to hold onto the steering wheel driving home from climbing
You placed anchors on the side of your 5th story apartment building so you could sleep on your porta-ledge on the weekdays.
You bolted the side of your house and It ended up in a local guide book as a 5.9+.
SPECIAL THANKS TO THE FOLLOWING CONTRIBUTORS:Rod Haines,Shirley,Caleb Bailey,Taylor Shull,Steve Woods,Lodrina,CW,Maddog and Jon Poulson for making this list.... Lynn-a-roo does not know them but they wrote the list
A duck walks into a bar and up to the bartender. Looking the fellow square in the eye, he asks, "Hey, uh, you got any fish here?" "No," the bartender replies. "This is a bar. We do not sell fish. If you want something to drink, I can help you. Otherwise, scram." The duck waddles away, muttering to himself.
The next day the duck returns, bellies up to the bar, and asks the bartender, "Say, um...you got any fish?" "No, no, a thousand times no!" cries the bartender. "Look, I told you yesterday-we don't have any fish. If you ask me one more time, I'm going to nail your stupid little duck bill to the bar. Got it?" "Yeah, yeah, I got it, I got it, mister," the duck mumbles, slides off his barstool and waddles into the night.
The very next day the duck is back. "Er, mister?" he begins. "Yes?" replies the bartender with a menacing look in his eye. "Do you...do you have any nails?" the duck asks. The bartender frowns. "No. This is a bar. I have no nails." "Well, uh...you got any fish?"
Did you know that Churches in Las Vegas (the United States' gambling mecca) are now accepting gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but did you know that there are more catholic churches than casinos in Vegas?
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the offering basket is passed.
Since the church goers contribute chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method of organizing and redeeming these offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to their originating casinos and cashed in.
Yes, this is actually being done every week by the chip monks.
As You All Know, Memorial Day is a Day to Remember Our Loved Ones Who Have Passed and to Remember All the Solidiers Who Have Died for Our Freedom. And, Memorial Day is also known as a day for being with friends and family and usually everyone meets in a park or in the backyard of someone's home for a good old fashioned BBQ.
Here is a Silly BBQ Joke that I hope won't offend anyone, but that might add a little humor to your Memorial Day weekend.
A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, ''Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill.''
Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt. ''Yep,'' he said,'' just what I thought, just about the same size.''
The wife became incensed and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, ''How about it, honey? How about a little lovemaking?''
The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. ''What's the matter?'' he asked.
She replied, ''You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?''
No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man.
The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day... Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish. The game warden told him that this was illegal. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said " are you going to fish or talk?"
When I saw all the ice in Burchey's thread, "Snackin on the North Fork" a silly joke instantly popped into my head....
....An Arctic explorer came face to face with a polar bear. Afraid of being eaten, he fell to his knees and started praying. When the polar bear knelt down beside him and started praying too, the man shouted, "It's a miracle!" The polar bear opened one eye and said "Don't talk while I'm saying grace."
I believe the official day of summer is somewhere around June 20th which also means the Fire Season is upon us. Remember what Smokey the Bear would say, "Only you can prevent forest fires".....which reminds me of a silly joke....
One hot summer day, a man is filling up his black pickup truck at the local gas station. He isn't very careful, and he gets gasoline all over his jacket's left sleeve. He ignores it, and leaves the station after paying for the gas.
As he's driving down the highway, the heat of the sun on his truck's black paint is enough to ignite his jacket sleeve. He drives faster, waving his arm out the window in an attempt to extinguish the flames, but they burn hotter!
As he speeds down the highway, a state trooper sees the situation and pulls him over. He jerks the man out of the truck and rolls him on the ground until the fire is extinguished.
As the man dusts himself and thanks his rescuer, he sees the officer is writing him a summons! Confused, he asks, "You're writing me a ticket!? What for?" The officer replies, "Posession of an illegal fire arm."
This entry by Cory Gano earned a Dishonorable Mention in the Children's Literature section of the [url=http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/]Bulwer-Lytton[/url] terrible writing contest for 2004. I am so jealous.
As he entered the room within which so many a wild night of their sweltering love affair had been spent, the White Rabbit regarded her with benevolent eyes, her posture such that he suspected something was wrong, but before he could speak Alice unburied her face from her trembling hands and between her intense sobs he made out the words, "I'm late … I'm late."
For the big press conference:
[quote]A higgs-boson walks into a church. The priest says "Higgs-bosons aren't allowed in here." The higgs-boson says "But without me, how can you have mass?"[/quote]
Speaking of travels, I heard that when Marco Polo first opened the trade routes to China, he was quite impressed with their rockets. Now, these weren't quite the fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode and make some pretty patterns. Strangely, no matter where he went, there were people who made fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to demonstrate them for him.
"Not here!" they said. …very confusing. Until ol' Marc came upon an ancient military fortification at the community of Chu'Lai. Here, fireworks were launched every night, and Marc was very impressed!
But still he wondered, "Why here?" At the end of every week, people came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to launch. So Marco Polo asked his guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks.
Marc's guide replied:
"Why honored Sir, We always set off fireworks on the Forts of Chu'Lai"
...Higgs-Boson humor, love it, I bet Higgs would too, especially since he's still with us on earth to appreciate the humor, and wouldn't you know it, Higgs-Boson has reminded me of a silly joke (or two)....(compliments of Tommy Cooper)
For the scientifically minded.
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '
Higgs boson walks into a bar, orders a beer.
Bartender shrugs, shakes his head, looks around for help.
Cajun guy leans over, whispers to him.
Bartender looks up, gets up in the boson's grill and says:
"I don know wor yew thank yew or, but in Waxahachie? we don serve nobody orders nothin in no Farayunch."
"Oh," replies the Higgs, "I know exactly where I am (although that does raise questions about my velocity, doesn't it); I'm not from here, and now I'm gone. You may be CERN of that."
lynn-a-roo: this is in fact a silly joke - it's been going around the net for a while now. The joke is that there is a dog driving the car in the background. Apparently, you couldn't get past what was in the foreground long enough to notice that ;)
wagga: sorry if I ruined your fun, but I think you got what you wanted with lynn-a-roo's response! :)
[quote=BryanB]lynn-a-roo: this is in fact a silly joke - it's been going around the net for a while now. The joke is that there is a dog driving the car in the background. [/quote]
Only if the dog has four-foot long front legs and human hands
Apparently, this picture was used in a scientific experiment by academic trick cyclists* to find out some fundamental rules of human behavior.
When male/female couples were exposed to this picture:
49% of females wondered "[i]who let this woman out of the house dressed like that[/i]" and 49% wondered "[i]where can I buy that cute blouse/corset combo[/i]" and 2% locked themselves in the bedroom with thongs and Lycra.
Less than 1% of males noted the dog driving the taxi. In follow-up studies, 100% of those observant males reported deep satisfaction on the evening following testing. The fate of the 99%-plus male group is unknown, with a likely bad outcome.
saltydog and + @ti2d were walking home from the local tavern in Lone Pine.
saltydog says to + @ti2d , 'What a beautiful night, look at the moon.'
+ @ti2d stops and looks at saltydog , 'You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun.'
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon a real drunk Wagga walking in the other direction towards the tavern for an IPA, so they stopped him.
'Wagga, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?' Wagga looked at the sky and then looked at them, and said, 'Sorry, I don't live around here.'
AlanK's 2nd Amendment Ooops reminded me of a silly joke....
A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, "Someone might steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then management said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people; one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.
Then management said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then management said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper and a payroll officer; then hired two more people.
Then management said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people; an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then management said, "We've had this command in operation for one year now and we're $18,000 over budget. We have to cutback on overall costs."
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) What he had to say for himself.
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time And sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.'
Yippee, it's Olympics time again. I love the Olympics. Wouldn't it be nice if there was an event in the Olympics just like what Whitney Zoner's love to do in their free time like mountaineering, scaling the side of a cliff....that would be awesome!!! Hey, this thought reminds me of a silly joke...............
The Olympic Diving Champion
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool! She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Alabama and I worked both sides of the Tennessee River."
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as His father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom"
· The President of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the upcoming London Olympic Games. He told us, 'Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.'
· At the Olympic Games, Rhoda meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick. 'Excuse me,' says Rhoda to the man. 'Are you a pole vaulter?' 'No,"' says the man, 'I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?'
· Apparently the maid I hired to clean my house while I was watching the London Olympics was only second best. She just walked off with the silver.
· Why isn't "sun tanning" an Olympic sport at London 2012? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.
· Pete Jones turned up for the Olympics with some barbed wire under his arm, and came third in the fencing.
· Olympic Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.
· Olympic Football commentator: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.
· Olympic Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.
· The Olympics motto is "Citius, Altius, Fortius," which, of course, is Greek for, "Go for the gold, but also try to keep your bones organized."
· I could have been a great hockey player except for one thing: I kept falling down.
· Where did some of these Winter Olympics events come from? Like the luge. How is sliding down a mountain on a cafeteria tray a sport?
Did you hear, the US landed a Mars rover named Curiosity in Gale Crater on Planet Mars last night. The total cost of the project is about US$2.5 billion.....such a deal....cheap at double the price.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.
"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?" After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet." They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.
Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun." The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?" The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"
The Curiosity Thread is a SCREAM!!!, AlanK and Wagga crack me up...and who would have thunk we'd discover that Martians Are Animal Lovers Too
A girl was visiting her martian friend, who had acquired two new dogs,and asked her what their names were. The martian responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooooooo......," answered the martian. "They're watch dogs"
Special request from Steve C, I told it to him on the Yosemite trip last weekend...
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have as is shown in the story about Ralph and Edna.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Nursing Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. This wisdom was contributed by Lowrie B.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
Three women died together in an accident And went to heaven.
When they got there, St. Peter said, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'
So they entered heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they tried their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally stepped on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day,the second woman stepped accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together With the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks, But One day St.Peter comes up to her With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, But I stepped on a Duck.
On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.
So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ...
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper! George said "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting there Sugar Shorts, you could be famous if you rode with me."
"Why are you committing suicide?."
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
A wife was arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought he home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
"She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked: 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?""
A gas station in Mississippi (could be WV) was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up.” Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”
A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.”
Bubba replied, "Naw, it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged — my wife won twice last week.”
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict, a blonde man, was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating ..."
[size:14pt][color:#6600CC][b]Nuns vs Vampire [/b][/color][/size]
[size:11pt][color:#003300][b]Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent. Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car!" [/b][/color][/size]
I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.....don't stress over preparing your Thanksgiving Dinner, just follow these simple steps and you will survive another Thanksgiving Day with ease:
[color:#660000][b]17 Stages To Cooking a Turkey 17 ways to cook a turkey[/b][/color]
I'll be [i]pondering the meat thermometer[/i] tomorrow, over the BBQ! :cool:
[size:14pt][font:Comic Sans MS]
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!![/font][/size]
Picture this, it was just after Thanksgiving, and the judge was in a happy mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, 'What are you charged with?'
The prisoner replied, 'Doing my Christmas shopping too early'.
'That's no crime', said the judge. 'Just how early were you doing this shopping?'
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ....
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest fella in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4,5......." at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand, Tasmania, parts of Liverpool, Southern USA, and some areas near Gympie, QLD.
[b][color:#FF0000]First Christmas Joke of this season for you:[/color][/b]
[color:#006600]Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.[/color]
[color:#FF0000]"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."[/color]
[color:#006600]The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle," he said.[/color]
[color:#FF0000]"You may pass through the pearly gates", said Saint Peter. [/color]
[color:#006600]The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."[/color]
[color:#FF0000]Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates".[/color]
[color:#006600]The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.[/color]
[color:#FF0000]St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"[/color]
[color:#006600]The Irishman replied, "These are Carols." [/color]
[color:#FF0000]And So The Christmas Season Begins......[/color]
A man goes to the doctor with two severely burned ears. "How in the world did this happen?" the doctor asked. The man said, "Well doc, I must confess, I likes to drink a few when I get home from work. Last night I came home from work and had my usual few drinks, and was sitting on the sofa having another. My wife wanted to talk to me and iron at the same time so she set up the ironing board next to the sofa. Well doc, the phone rang and without thinking I picked up the hot iron instead of the phone and pressed it against my ear."
"That explains the one ear," the doctor said, "but what happened to the other one?"
"The damn fool called back!" the man said.
That was a joke. A silly joke. Meanwhile, in [url=http://www.smh.com.au/world/strangebuttrue/husband-makes-a-bad-call-with-the-iron-20121213-2bb15.html]Poland[/url]...
They were together in the House. Just the two of them.
It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly
and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and
wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her
from the storm.
Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out...She screamed...
He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.
He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.
He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on... They knew it was wrong...
Their families would never understand...So consumed were
they in their FEAR that they heard no opening of doors.
...just the faint click of a camera.....[/font]
[spoiler][/spoiler]
In the coming New Year, 2013, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.
This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW TV..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you Shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
Never Judge a Man By His Appearance Funny Chinese Jokes
At a New Year celebration meal an American to the Chinese man sitting next to him, pointed to the soup and asked somewhat condescendingly, 'Likee soupee?'
The Chinese gentlemen nodded eagerly.
A little later, it was 'Likee fishee?' and 'Likee meatee?' and 'Likee fruitee?' and always the response was an affable nod.
At the end of the dinner the chairman of the Yuan-Xiao festival introduced the guest speaker of the evening: none other than the Chinese gentleman who delivered a penetrating, witty discourse in impeccable English, much to the astonishment of his American neighbor.
When the speech was over, the speaker turned to his neighbor and with a mischievous twinkle in his eye and asked, 'Likee speechee?'
A cowboy rode to a saloon and got off his horse, found a post and tied it up. Then he walked into the saloon and ordered a few drinks, then walked back outside to find his horse gone. The cowboy stormed back into the saloon and said "One of ya people stole my horse that was tied up in that post outside. That same thing happened to me back in Texas, and I had to do something I really don't want to do again. Now I'm gonna have one more drink and my horse better be back, tied up to that post, exactly how I left her. Otherwise I'll have to do what I did back in Texas." So the cowboy sat down and ordered another drink, then walked outside to find his horse back, tied up to the post, exactly how he left her. He was just untying his horse when one brave soul walked up to the cowboy and asked, "So what did you do back in Texas?" The cowboy looked the man straight in the eye and said, "I had to walk home."
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.
Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a
low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.
I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.
And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine to my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .
[quote=lynn-a-roo]Wagga, I totally did not get the joke above. I guess the King sent his wife back to the Tower??? [/quote]
Henry the VIII's second (out of 6) wife was [url=http://tudorhistory.org/boleyn/]Anne Boleyn[/url].
This poster was actually used by the Underground back around 1970, before the Politically Correct tide came in and washed away all the fun...
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink.
He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along
behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.
The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.
"Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole. Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy
here puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut ... so now it's just me an' Leroy.
The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture,is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 46 million people.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals.” Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.”
[quote=lynn-a-roo]
[size:11pt][b]
A Lesson in Irony.
The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture,is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 46 million people.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals.” Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.”
Thus ends today's lesson in irony.[/b][/size]
[/quote]
Yeah, that's hysterical. Since many on Food Stamps are children, the elderly and the disabled, let's teach the poor buggars a lesson and let them starve.
KevinR...I apologize....I didn't intend to sound like people should starve....I'm just an animal lover. A while back in another thread I suggested maybe we could plant berry trees near the portal for the deer and I worry that there may not be enough food in the forest for the bears...marmots...deer....and more animals. I just post silly jokes...no harm intended.
[color:#CC0000]
[b]
A little Aussie humour... [/b][/color]
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.
The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes."
The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special
aphrodisiac oil from Provenceand then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Aussie said:
That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife ,y'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? ...wow! that's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Aussie replied ,
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."
Two farmers meet up in a bar during a agricultural convention. One from PA the other from TX...
PA: Back home I got a 40 acre spread!
TX: Aw, heck you ain't got nothin' - why my spread in Texas is so big that I get in my pickup in the morning and I don't get to the other side of my ranch until the sun goes down!
PA: Yeah, I used to have a pickup truck like that....
The current Pope served for about seven years before announcing retirement.
Last time around when the College of Cardinals selected Pope Benedict, one
of the cardinals that was in the running was Cardinal Anton Scola. The newspapers
say he's in the running again, but has the same problem as last time — no one
thinks the Church should have a Pope Scola.
This guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens.
Only a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxiliary parachute, but unfortunately, the chute still does not appear.
As he is plummeting toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to her "Do you know anything about parachutes?" "No", she says, "do you know anything about gas stoves?"
Steve, CaT, and Wagga were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.
After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Steve said to CaT and Wagga, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting.
I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and CaT can sing songs for 25 flights, and Wagga can tell sad stories the rest of the way.
At the 26th floor Steve stopped telling jokes and CaT began to sing.
At the 51st floor CaT stopped singing and Wagga began to tell sad stories.
One of comedian Will Rogers' favorite remarks was "All I know is what I
read in the papers." For many busy people, all they know is what they read in
the headlines. The bold messages entice readers to purchase copies from the
news stand and, if there is time, to dive more deeply into a story.
Behind every newspaper headline lurks a newspaper deadline. The men and
women who compose headlines work within restrictions of time and space.
They must compact large-size print into narrow column widths, and their brief
messages must clearly state the theme of each story, keep words intact, be
attractive to the eye and catch the reader's attention. On top of that, each
headline must be written in a fraction of the time thought humanly possible.
No wonder that, on occasion, editors get caught with their headlines down,
and exposed to as many as several million readers, the bold-face botch becomes a
red-face result.
Some of the best two-headed headlines are those in which an inadvertent
pun lifts the message from the blandly literal to the sublimely absurd:
GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT
MAKES HOLE IN ONE
DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING
DEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCE
ASBESTOS SUIT PRESSED
DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT
COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES
GROWING UGLY
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIAGN TO RUNDOWN
JAYWALKERS
FLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES
EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOL
HOUSE PASSES GAS
TAX ONTO SENATE
POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA
TUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COAST
STIFF OPPOSITION EXPECTED
TO CASKETLESS FUNERAL PLAN
MEN RECOMMEND MORE CLUBS FOR WIVES
MANY ANTIQUES SEEN AT D.A.R. MEETING
IKE SAYS NIXON CAN'T STAND PAT
TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE;
JURY HUNG
U.S. AUDIT FINDS FUNDS FOR YOUTH MISSPENT
CHINESE APEMAN DATED
MAN HELD OVER GIANT L.A. BRUSH FIRE
TRAFFIC DEAD RISE SLOWLY
WILLIAM KELLY, 87, WAS FED SECRETARY
ALL-STARS TURN ON SPARSE CROWD
NATION'S HUNGRY ATTACK MEESE.
U'S FOOD SERVICE
FEEDS THOUSANDS,
GROSSES MILLIONS
COLLEGIANS ARE TURNING TO VEGETABLES
MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER
HALF-MILLION ITALIAN WOMEN SEEN ON PILL
SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS
SHOULD BE BELTED
SCIENTISTS TO HAVE FORD'S EAR
S. FLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF
BY NEW LAW
10 REVOLTING OFFICERS EXECUTED
QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
COUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISH
JUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATER
MAN HELD IN MIAMI AFTER SHOOTING BEE
SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS
CARTER PLANS SWELL DEFICIT
CARTER TICKS OFF BLACK HELP
CARIBBEAN ISLANDS DRIFT TO LEFT
THUGS EAT THEN ROB PROPRIETOR
ROBBER HOLDS UP ALBERT'S HOSIERY
NEW HOUSING FOR ELDERLY NOT YET DEAD
TOWN TO DROP SCHOOL BUS
WHEN OVERPASS IS READY
FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE
KISSINGER ALLEGEDLY FORGES MIDEAST PACT
GENETIC ENGINEERING SPLITS SCIENTISTS
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
SALESMAN SAYS HE LEFT
4 LARGE RINGS IN MALDEN BATHTUB
HERSHEY BARS PROTEST
MEAT HEAD FIGHTS HIKE IN MINIMUM PAY
NEW AUTOS TO HIT 5 MILLION
When a newspaper goes out wearing the wrong banner, its messages can become
unwittingly suggestive:
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?
HENSHAW OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY
TO GOOSE HUNTERS
CONNIE TIED, NUDE
POLICEMAN TESTIFIES
WOMEN'S MOVEMENT CALLED
MORE BROAD-BASED
ANTIQUE STRIPPER TO DISPLAY WARES AT STORE
STUD TIRES OUT
PROSTITUTE APPEAL TO POPE
CITY MAY IMPOSE MANDATORY TIME
FOR PROSTITUTION
SPLIT REARS IN FARMERS' MOVEMENT
MRS. RYDELL'S BUST UNVEILED
AT NEARBY SCHOOL
JAIL GUARD PROBE IN PRISON SEX
GROVER MAN DRAWS PRISON TERM,
FINE FOR SEX ACTS
PANDA MATING FAILS
VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
KIDS' PAJAMAS TO BE REMOVED BY WOOLWORTH
NUNS DROP SUIT; BISHOPS AGREE TO AID THEM
PLANNED PARENTHOOD LOOKING
FOR VOLUNTEERS
N. J. JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH.
CHILD'S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN GARDEN
IDAHO GROUP ORGANIZES TO HELP
SERVICE WIDOWS
COLUMNIST GET UROLOGIST IN TROUBLE
WITH HIS PEERS
DR RUTH TO TALK ABOUT SEX
WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS
PASTOR AGHAST AFTER FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
MRS. CORSON'S SEAT UP FOR GRABS
SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
LOCAL MAN HAS LONGEST HORNS IN TEXAS
CAUSE OF AIDS FOUND -- SCIENTISTS
STERILIZATIONS SOLVES PROBLEMS
FOR PETS, OWNERS
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
Sometimes the galley gaffe issues from a confusion in grammar:
BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS
LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS
CITY PACT FIGHT BOILS
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET,
BUT MORE LIES AHEAD
SWAZI KING, 2 SONS POISON SUSPECTS
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK FRIDAY NOON
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
MONDALE'S OFFENSIVE LOOKS HARD TO BEAT
AMERICAN SHIPS HEAD TO LIBYA
LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVISE
LIFE MEANS CARING FOR HOSPITAL DIRECTOR
HORNETS WILL ACCENT THROWING GAME IN '81
SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66
MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD
AS PET FISH
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
ADMITS SHOOTING HUSBAND FROM STAND
DURING TRIAL
LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS
PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND,
CRASH PROBE TOLD
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
FUND SET UP FOR BEATING VICTIM'S KIN
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
FINE YOUNG MAN CONVICTED OF MISDEMEANOR
HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC
SILENT TEAMSTER BOSS GETS UNUSUAL
PUNISHMENT, LAWYER
TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 10 YEARS
IN CHECKOUT COUNTER
KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME
IN 10 YEARS
COMMUTER TAX ON NEW YORKERS
KILLED IN NEW JERSEY
Occasionally, a deformed headline takes on a meaning that is exactly the
opposite of the one intended:
NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION
FROM LOVED ONE
CANCER SOCIETY HONORS MARLBORO MANN
NICARAGUA SETS GOAL TO WIPE OUT LITERACY
DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1, 000 IN '84
AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY
LET'S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER
20-YEAR FRIENDSHIP ENDS AT ALTAR
And sometimes the headline illuminates the painfully obvious:
WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY,
IT MAY LAST A WHILE
SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH
CUTS EFFICIENCY
COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
HALF OF U.S. HIGH SCHOOLS
REQUIRE SOME STUDY
FOR GRADUATION
CHILD'S DEATH RUINS COUPLE'S HOLIDAY
BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY
FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS
SCENT FOUL PLAY
IN DEATH OF MAN
FOUND BOUND AND HANGED
MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN
ENDFIELD COUPLE SLAIN:
POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH,
EXPERT SAYS
DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS,
FEELINGS OF ISOLATION
[size:8pt]
I sure hope Wagga didn't already post this one.[/size]
A 25-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account."
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelery stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, 'You'll try again."
[b][color:#FF0000]This is such a heart warming story[/color][/b]
Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'
A multimillionaire bachelor goes to his club to play golf with two friends. Not knowing who would be joining them, they walk to the first tee.
As they finish teeing off, a tall, beautiful, raven-haired woman asks if she can join them. Although the bachelor thinks this is going to slow down their play, he agrees. The woman tees up a ball and, without a practice swing, smacks it straight down the middle.
This goes on all day and she finishes even par for the round, beating all the men.
They invite her back the next week. They have a great time, and she shoots the same score. The bachelor thinks to himself, "This is the girl of my dreams!" So he asks her out on a date. They go out, find they have much in common, and have a great evening.
They make another golf date, during which she shoots two-under and gives a clinic in shotmaking.
The millionaire is now convinced that they are meant to be together. He invites her back to his apartment, where they talk for hours. Everything is progressing smoothly, so he invites her to his bedroom. Their passions run riot, but she doesn't let things go too far and he drives her home.
This pattern continues for a month: Great golf, great dates, but nights of abbreviated passion. The bachelor can't take it any more.
"I know the time we spent on the golf course and in my apartment is wonderful. And even though we haven't been fully intimate, I know that I love you, you love me, and that you are the girl I want to marry!"
"Darling," she says, "I have something to tell you. I can not hide it anymore. I am a man!"
His mouth drops open, his face turns red, he begins to shake. She's convinced he's going to have a heart attack, or worse, when finally, in a blind rage, he shouts, "And all this time you've been playing from the women's tees?"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" asked the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.
It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage , only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!”
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."
"Pahh ! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but... I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need... Go In Peace ."
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped...
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"
The brother replied,"I named the little girl Denise." The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?" The brother replied, "Denephew."
Wagga, Wagga, Wagga, I don't know what to say, except....I like the Element Chart Tile around the tub.
Did I Say
A 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing 3 times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
Being that today is the first day of summer I thought we should start off the new season with a bit of humor with summer in mind.
The Girl on the Beach
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.
One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”
He hadn’t and said so.
Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
“Well? Is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.
“No, she’s not,” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
“Well? What is it, then? What does she do?” his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, “She’s a battery salesperson.
Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7 A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies "A 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M. "That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much? "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside? "Sure," replies the owner. So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my 16.4?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
In Honor of the Rich Lady Rescued on Mount St. Helens
It was flooding in California. As the flood waters were rising, a man was on the stoop of his house and another man in a row boat came by. The man in the row boat told the man on the stoop to get in and he'd save him. The man on the stoop said, no, he had faith in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood waters kept rising and the man had to go to the second floor of his house. A man in a motor boat came by and told the man in the house to get in because he had come to rescue him. The man in the house said no thank you. He had perfect faith in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood waters kept rising. Pretty soon they were up to the man's roof and he got out on the roof. A helicopter then came by, lowered a rope and the pilot shouted down in the man in the house to climb up the rope because the helicopeter had come to rescue him. The man in the house wouldn't get in. He told the pilot that he had faith in God and would wait for God to rescue him. The flood waters kept rising and the man in the house drowned. When he got to heaven, he asked God where he went wrong. He told God that he had perfect faith in God, but God had let him drown. "What more do you want from me?" asked God. "I sent you two boats and a helicopter."
A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"
"You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."
"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"
Some guy on drugs jumped over a cliff but did not quite succeed in killing himself.
The rescue team tied his unconscious body into a Stokes litter and proceeded to evacuate by means of a "fixed line flyaway." This means that the litter is suspended a couple of hundred feet below a helicopter which then flies to a level place where they can set him down (carefully) and either load him in the aircraft or otherwise take further care of him.
The patient is accompanied by one attendant tied into the litter.
This patient began to regain consciousness during the flight. Remember he is flying across the sky and being marginally conscious (as well as probably still feeling the effects of whatever drug he took) probably doesn't notice either the helicopter or the cable attaching him to it.
The attendant, who happens to have a nice bushy beard, notices that the patient is starting to "come around" and in an effort to keep him calm says in his most soothing voice: Don't worry, I'll take care of you. My name is Peter.
The effect was somewhat less soothing than hoped for and the attendant decided that next time he would use a name other than Peter.
Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day And passes a shoe store.
Each day he stops and looks in the window To admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price Of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community Holds a dance in the church basement.
Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear His new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and As they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?' Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, And after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, But how do you kow that?' He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over And the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red, eyes welling. He says,"Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, Please, please, tella me this true!"
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight. But why those tears ?" Gennaro gasps,
'Thanka God; they are tears of relief and joy!! I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6 foot 6 inches, strong as a longhorn and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working — in a West Texas Sheriff’s Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man’s last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good but we have, what you might call, an ‘Attitude Suitability Test,’ that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don’t let anyone wear our badge, son.”
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant.
“You pass,” said the Chief Deputy. “When can you start?”
Jesus, Moses, and Baltimore Jack are hiking the AT when they come to a massive river. Jesus doesn't hesitate, steps out onto the water and calmly walks across to the other side. He turns and looks back at the other two. Moses raises his leki poles to the sky and the water parts. Moses walks on dry land and then turns back to watch the river continue it's normal course. Jack pulls out a flask, takes a swig of rotgut whiskey, lights up an unfiltered camel and says: "that's really impressive guys, but the trail goes this way."
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming...
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."
But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time... So... do you think we should... well... you know... Screw her?"
Little Tommy wakes up and comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," replied little Tommy.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, now he's a little pis*ed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother give him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile and says...
A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.
So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"
The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!"
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
So it's 1999 and there's this COBOL programmer who's worried about the Millennium Bug. Not only is he expected to fix it, but if he doesn't fix it, he gets the blame for all the COBOL that goes wrong. So he decides to cryogenically freeze himself for ten years - by which time there will hopefully be no COBOL at all!
Eventually he gets woken up. "This is the year 2009?" he asks. "No," say the bald, toga-wearing super-advanced super-human super-scientists who woke him. "There was a programming fault in your cryogenic chamber and it never unfroze you."
"So what year is it?"
"Well, it's actually the year 9999. You've been asleep for eight thousand years."
"But why did you wake me up now?"
"Well, we're worried about the Decamillennium Bug, and it says on your resume that you know COBOL?"
Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near.
So he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza." "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown"
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated so much property."
Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the schmuck had a newspaper route."
Poor old Grandad's passed away, cut off in his prime, He never had a day off crook - gone before his time. We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat, A startled look upon his face, his pants around his feet.
The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout, The Constable, he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out. There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace, Of red backs quietly creeping and death from outer space.
No one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt, When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about. 'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath, 'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'
'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil, And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil, So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials. They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.
Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste, And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste. So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought, I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.
The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight, But I didn't dream poor Grandad would pass away that night. Now I reckon what has happened - poor Grandad didn't know The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.
And you'll probably be wondering how poor Grandad did his dash .. Well, he always used to hold his breath Until he heard the splash!!
Note: Found this attributed to "Unknown Author". Since found this:
"Credit to the author Grahame Watt, who is my grandfather, otherwise known within the bush poetry world as 'Skewiff Watty' The correct title of the poem is actually 'Poor Old Grandad!' and the poem was written and published in his book of the same name, 'Poor Old Grandad' released in 2001.
If there is interest in his work he is certainly happy to be contacted directly if required at skewiff80@npes.net.au."
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, I'm on my way to a Halloween party my outfit is just an old habit."
A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says, "At school, dad." The robot slaps the son! "OK, I watched a DVD at my friends house" "What DVD?" "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son again! "OK! It was porn" cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" says the dad. The robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs, "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." The robot slaps the mom.
Robot slaps the mom... good one...you made me laugh hard - I needed that after reading the SAR reports which were intense - yikes, people need to prepare for the worst - thanks, wagga and Happy Thanksgiving to you and all on the Whitney Zone.
HEY WZers, have any SILLY JOKES TO SHARE - sure would love to read them - don't be shy, No Joke Is Too Silly - any joke is bound to tickle someone's funny bone - we need more laughter in the world - more smiles too!
A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said there had been invented a new machine that would transfer-by kinetic energy a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor initially set the pain-transfer level to 10 percent, saying that was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they returned home they found the milkman dead on the porch.
Instead of a recipe for fruitcake, let me give you a recipe for my favorite Christmas cookies. These would go well with Lynn-a-roo's eggnog.
Ingredients:
1 cup of water 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt 1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice 4 large eggs 1 cup nuts 2 cups of dried fruit 1 bottle of Crown Royal
Sample the Crown Royal to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Crown Royal again, to be sure it is of the highest quality; pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Crown Royal is still OK, try another cup ... just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Crown Royal to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Crown Royal. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Crown Royal and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
Wagga, how did you know I love Crown Royal, it's great with eggnog, in fact I bought a new bottle today. I'm being serious now, NOT SILLY, I love traditional fruitcake, but I could not find any to buy in any store in Orange County, CA. Seriously people, there is nothing better than a small 9 inch cake that weighs 10 lbs. and that has an 80 proof alcohol content...add a dollop of whip cream and you're in Merry Christmas Heaven.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Thanks, John. I knew it all along, having surmised it - out loud - every year for the past 25 or so. One more thing my kids will finally know I was right about all along.
Merry Christmas Everyone. Steve, John Sims and Salty Dog, you three and Wagga all made me laugh and smile making Christmas even Merrier for me and all the WZers, thank you.
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now, I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors,” and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me, I’ll just be a second.”
A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, “Get out now. You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”
Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: “You’re looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development.” And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest.
So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.
At last, a joke involving Bush & Brazilian that's SFW...
General: Mr. President, we have just received news that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed. Bush Jr.: Oh God! This is horrible news! (tears up) General: Is everything OK sir? Bush Jr.: Just... how many... is one brazilian?
See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend did not dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!'
> A man is dining in a fancy restaurant > and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. > He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks > the nerve to talk with her. > > Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of > its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs > it out of the air, and hands it back. > > > 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops > her eye back in place... > > 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she > says. > > They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they > go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, > she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She > listens. > > > After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like > to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. > They had a wonderful, wonderful time. > > The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the > trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO > incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the > perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you > meet?' > > > 'No,' she replies. . . > > > Wait for it. > > It's coming. . > > > > > She says: > 'You just happened to catch my eye.' >
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
An Australian applies for a job as a royal footman. Taking his references from his last job, he goes to the interview, where they ask him to drop his trousers. "It's a formality," says the interviewer. "Some footmen are required to wear kilts, so we like to examine the knees of applicants for blemishes." The Aussie drops his trousers and his knees are inspected. "Excellent," says the interviewer. "Now could show me your testimonials." A few moments later the Aussie is thrown out into the street.
"Struth," says the Aussie, picking himself up off the pavement. "If I knew the lingo a bit better I reckon I might've got that job."
I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s (when I was in school) A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1970s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1980s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? Yes or No
4. Teaching Math In 1990s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 2000s A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's Okay).
6. Teaching Math In 2014 A logger sells a cart of wood for $100. The cost of the production is $80. How much profit did he make? ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his pot farm.
375K? Um, I don't get it. How is a logging operation a front for a basement grow?
AaaaaaaaNyway, part of the problem is the computerization of retail transactions. Back in the day ("the Day" of course being back when the walk to school in the snow was uphill both ways) my first real job involved a mechanical cash register and counting out the customer's change. Remember that? The cashier puts your dollar on the shelf above the drawer, says from a dollar that's 29 cents and hands you a penny, saying "that's thirty", two dimes "forty, fifty" and a half dollar piece "and fifty is a dollar. (If you had tendered a five instead of a one, they would then count out four singles, which rest comfortably and conveniently atop the silver.) May I carry the bushel to your wagon for you?" Thus making sure that the price of the apples plus the change she counted out adds up to the dollar you tendered.
Now they read the change amount off the screen put a few bills in your hand, pile a handful of coins on top of that, smile proudly that they were able to actually count out the same amount in bills and coins that they read off the screen, and start a secret timer to see how fast they can make the stupid pile of coins slide off the bills in your hand.
If you analyze the different skill sets required for these transactions, you will see that its approximately the difference between understanding basic algebra (then) and being able to count (now). Not to mention understanding the ergonomics of coins resting in the palm of the hand and bills retained by the opposable thumb.
According to the Bible Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine. A country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc.
He managed to find 11 friends called:
Andrew, Bartholomew, James, James, John, Jude, Matthew, Peter, Philip, Simon and Thomas
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly
Lynn-a-roo, you've reminded me of another joke, similar to yours.
The Banker and the Witch:
There was this hot shot banker that was taking wall street by storm. Very successful, and doing very well financially. However, as often occurs, financial success can breed higher demands for even more money. As a result, this banker turned to embezzlement to further line his pockets.
Then, there was a "surprise" audit one week-end, that discovered the bankers embezzelment. Because the banker had been so successful, and had also made a great deal of money for the bank, the bank offered him a deal: Pay back 100% of the embezzled funds, and the bank would only fire him, but not press criminal charges.
After a bit of reflection the banker thought this might be possible. He could sell his country estate, sell his girl friends jewelry, sell his cars, and with a bit of creative financing (additional loans) he could pay back the money, and avoid jail.
So, off to his girl friends house to retrieve the jewlery. Upon arrival at his girl friends house he was surprised to find not only his girl friend, but his wife as well. Some how they had discovered one another, and were extremely incensed over his infidelity. Neither felt the least bit sympathetic to his plight, and were completely unwilling to help.
The bank had frozen his bank accounts and impounded his cars, his wife would not agree to sell the country estate, and his girl friend had hidden the jewlery. His situation was indeed dire.
With only the cash in his pocket he headed for the first bar he could find. As the evening progressed he migrated to seedier and seedier bars in order to preserve what little cash he had left. Finally, at 2:00 AM he found himself seated next to a truly repugnant creature. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. (sound familiar?). Nonetheless he poured out his tale of woe to the old hag. After hearing all of this she looked him in the eye and said "you may not believe this, but I am a witch, and I can move back time such that you will be able to fix the books so that the audit will not discover your embezzelment. Things will go back just as they were before the audit. Your wife and girl friend will no longer know one another, and you can return to your good life." Needless to say, the banker was dumbfounded, and wanted to know what he could do to influence the witch to work her magic. The witch considered this, and said "there is only one thing you must do. You must spend the night with me, and pleasure me as you have never pleasured another woman."
With no other alternatives available, the banker agreed, and did exactly as instructed by the witch. The next morning, upon awakening, the banker was amazed to find he had no hangover. The air was cool, the sun was bright, it was truly a glorious day. His suit had hung out well, and looked as though it had been freshly pressed. After a shave and shower, he felt GREAT, and was looking forward to returning to his former life. As he was leaving the room he turned to look at the witch. Her eyes were open and she quietly asked the banker "how old are you sonny?" The banker replied "why I am 36, why do you ask?" To which the witch replied "and you still believe in witches?"
Oh man, I'm bummed. I read John's but I don't 'get it'. I get mine and not John's, is that weird or what? Although, I think both mine and John's answered Doug's question on the Whitney Portal Store website when he asks why do women climb Mt. Whitney.
Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate... and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.
A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
Wagga's waggish post on walking to school uphill both ways inspires the following:
A little known fact about Wagga is that as an undergrad at a great American university to be named later, he carried a double major in both particle physics and astrophysics.
Wagga worked day and night, never a moment off from studying or in the lab. Work work work. He was also a poor starving broke student, broke broke broke, so in order to carry such a heavy academic load, he was on work-study, and had to perform various and sundry jobs in around the various of the University's research facilities. Work work work. In order to spend as little time as possible getting to and fro, Wagga lived as close as he could afford to do, actually in an illegal garage apartment near campus, near enough to ride his bicycle to and from school. Pedal pedal pedal.
One unlikely winter day, Wagga awoke to find several inches of snow on the ground and in the streets, a rare event even in the cold winter months. Leaving the bike home of necessity, he trudged to school and after Wagga spent his usual grueling day, work work work, study study study, as he left campus and trudged homeward through the melting wet snow, a strange thought occurred to him. Hmmm, he thought, how strange!
When he got home, Wagga looked up a couple of bits of data, performed a couple of calculations, and exclaimed "Crikey! I've heard of this, but I never thought I would ever actually do it. After all those years listening to gramps, I actually have walked to school in the snow - uphill both ways.
What was the exact date of this extraordinary achievement? Show your work.
Wagga's waggish post on walking to school uphill both ways inspires the following:
A little known fact about Wagga is that as an undergrad at a great American university to be named later, he carried a double major in both particle physics and astrophysics.
Wagga worked day and night, never a moment off from studying or in the lab. Work work work. He was also a poor starving broke student, broke broke broke, so in order to carry such a heavy academic load, he was on work-study, and had to perform various and sundry jobs in around the various of the University's research facilities. Work work work. In order to spend as little time as possible getting to and fro, Wagga lived as close as he could afford to do, actually in an illegal garage apartment near campus, near enough to ride his bicycle to and from school. Pedal pedal pedal.
One unlikely winter day, Wagga awoke to find several inches of snow on the ground and in the streets, a rare event even in the cold winter months. Leaving the bike home of necessity, he trudged to school and after Wagga spent his usual grueling day, work work work, study study study, as he left campus and trudged homeward through the melting wet snow, a strange thought occurred to him. Hmmm, he thought, how strange!
When he got home, Wagga looked up a couple of bits of data, performed a couple of calculations, and exclaimed "Crikey! I've heard of this, but I never thought I would ever actually do it. After all those years listening to gramps, I actually have walked to school in the snow - uphill both ways.
What was the exact date of this extraordinary achievement? Show your work.
3/27/64, 05:36:14.0 p.m. local time.
Click to reveal..
This "feat" requires either a change of gravity or elevation.
OK: as a reward for a creditable first try, first hint. "Change in elevation" is correct, but perhaps not in the sense you mean. Second hint is that this great American University is not near enough to Prince William Sound to have been affected in that way. And OK you are within 15 years of the correct date.
Oh, no ya don't that would give it away. Which is a hint: solve the puzzle for the place, and the date is easy. OK, I'll give ya this: how many of the WITWHH entries are at great American universities?
Actually, you could solve for the date without reaching the real question here: how can Wagga walk between his apartment and campus, uphill both ways? Think of that this way. How could you travel from Inyo NF to Yosemite and back to Inyo, uphill in both directions?
OK, maybe moving to California has addled my brain: I actually thought this would grab more interest. Vanitas, vanitas, omnia vanitas. The answer to the question is still only a clue to the puzzle so here it is: February 5, 1976. Extra credit for why it is not January 21, 1962. Question remains, why was it uphill both ways?
Salty, this puzzle makes my head hurt! But the dates you gave are both days when snow fell in San Francisco.
I just can't wrap my brain around the "uphill both ways part.
OK: You have the significance of the dates. So if snow fell in San Francisco, what great American University might it (actually did) also have fallen on on those dates?
Now, say you are through-hiking the JMT, say you leave your car at the Portal, hitch to Lone Pine, grab CRESTA to Lee Vining, YARTS to Yos Valley. JMT to Whitney, Trail Crest and the Portal.
What's the elevation at the Portal? At what elevation did you leave Inyo NF? At what elevation did you enter Yosemite NP? At what elevation did you leave Yosemite NP? At what elevation did you re-enter Inyo?
Between Inyo and Yos, isn't that uphill in both directions?
Or a closer analogy: a couple living in their summer cabin at the Portal decides to take a tour of the southern Sierra. They drive to Yos and enter at Tioga pass, ramble around the park for a few days, exit the park at El Portal, return to the WP by way of beautiful downtown Fresno, Visalia and Bikersfield. WP to Yos and back, uphill both ways.
Well well, it sounds like lawyer talk to leave out that walking uphill both ways just might include walking downhill somewhere along the way, too.
So I found pictures of snow at Stanford U on 2-5-76, here and here; a Stanford alum wrote about "snow day" with reference to their snow person here. I can also find a reference to snow there on 1-21-62, as well, so not sure why that would be an excluded date.
It's a very good riddle, regardless of the difficulty I've had understanding. I still want to understand why the 1962 date is excluded. Maybe because Wagga wasn't in Cali on that date??
Lawyer talk? Thanks a lot. Its just geometry. The walking (or driving) downhill, between Tioga Pass and El Portal, is all within Yosemite. So the trips between Yosemite and WP are uphill in both directions. Applied to Stanford, there are a bunch of residences (I had in mind Junipero Serra Blvd) at about 200 feet of elevation. So Young Wagga walks to campus to report to work either at the Dish (el 500 ft) or SLAC (el 300 feet, and the subject of the previous WITWHH). Uphill. Then he goes to class at the physics building on Lomita Mall, el. 100 feet or so. After class, he returns home, el. 200 ft. Uphill both ways. The reason the 1/21/62 date is out? Ground was broken on SLAC in April of that year, and the Dish was built in 1966. The key clue was the observation above that Campus, unlike Gramps's school, is an area, not a point. Just geometry.
On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.
"Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked.
"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.
The old man asked, "Does that help?"
The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Tommy stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Tommy?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
The telephone rang in the stately home of Lord Armstrong in North Yorkshire, England and his butler answered the call.
'It's me. Please go to my wife's bedroom and tell her that I'll be home late from the club.' I'm sorry, Milord, her ladyship is already asleep.'
'Then wake her and tell her, while I hold the 'phone,' the caller demanded. 'Yes, Sir,' the butler replied.
The butler returned and said, 'My Lord, her ladyship's door was locked, and when I knocked, a man's voice told me to go hell.'
The caller then ordered gruffly, 'Damn them! Get a rifle from my collection, break down the door, and shoot them both.'
'Yes, Sir,' the butler responded.
A few minutes later, the butler returned to the 'phone and reported, 'My Lord, I tried my best. I killed your wife, but as I was about to shoot the man, he jumped through the window and into the garden, and ran away.'
The confused caller then said, 'Eh, what garden? There's no garden next to my bedroom window.'
'In that case, Sir, I am afraid you dialled a wrong number. Good day.'
Like many of us, I'm embarrassed when I can't remember the name of a person after our initial introduction.
My local coffee shop proprietor introduced me to her new worker, Chelsea, recently.
Now, I want you to know that I have a system for remembering names by spotting some characteristic of that person and creating an association, or index as a prompt or hint to recall the name.
In Chelsea's case, what was noticeable was her huge bum (or ass or keister, etc). In fact, you could be excused for thinking she was smuggling a pair of soccer balls.
So the obvious association to me was the English soccer team = Chelsea. So, the striking bum -> soccer -> English team would lead me to the correct name, Chelsea. Magic! No worries!
And so, a few days later when I visited the coffee shop, I confidently romped right up with my superior, foolproof name-remembering system. "Hey, nice to see you again, Arsenal"!
Wagga, it took me 12 hours to finally "GET" this one. I went to sleep thinking about it, my morning cup of coffee helped stimulate my brain to your humor.
If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.
If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no one will answer.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to help worthless people like you.
And thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline!
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
AND . . .
4. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legitimate. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan , where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.
He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Dida anyone elsa seea my face?" calls the robber. Then follows a tense minute of silence. An elderly Italian gentleman, tentatively raises his hand and says,
In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl."
No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
...and went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.
When Wagga was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Wagga made a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, then did just as he had been instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, Wagga found out she was referring to how he should place his credit card in the card reader!!!
Wagga has been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
Wagga believes they need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer. He still doesn't think he looked that bad...
Wagga, while this may be true, it may also be true that the hysterics were caused by people seeing that your nipple rings were caught in your beard, which reminds me that many of us over 50 - WAY over 50 - are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.
And for those of you reading this who are nowhere near 50 yet, keep reading anyway, you'll be there.
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. In-line skates and a walker
And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion:
14. A thong and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop so you do not cause a hysterical scene in the store and on the streets.
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are traveling in a car when Heisenberg gets pulled over for speeding. The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I can tell you exactly where we are." The cop says, "You were clocked at 93 MPH" Heisenberg throws up his hands in despair "Oh great, now we're lost!" The cop looks at Heisenberg strangely and asks "You boys on something? I think I'd better search your vehicle. Pop your trunk open." The cop walks around to the back of the car and calls out "You boys know you've got a dead cat in your trunk?" Schrodinger looks disgusted and says "Well, it is NOW!"
Whilst having a medical history taken to address my SOBOE (Shortness Of Breath On Exertion) issues, the following (slightly embellished) conversation occurred.
Doctor: What are your limits on exertion? Me: I can climb half-way up the back stairs, then need a rest. Doctor: How many steps? Me: 12... every time. Doctor: You have OCD! (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) Me: No, it's CDO - the letters gotta be in alphabetical order. Doctor: Isn't there a 12-step program for that?
Jim sends the following text message to his neighbor, Bob. "Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around. I know it’s no excuse, but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Bob, feeling outrage and betrayed, grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.
Moments later Bob gets a second text: "I really should use spell check! That should be "wifi".......Sorry."
She was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.
Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while she labored away on the weeds, she snapped, "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!"
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer.
His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, "Where's my dinner?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room piped up, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
California is facing its worst water shortage in decades. This is somewhat funny, both “curious-funny” and “ha-ha funny” because the state’s severest drought in modern history gives us an excuse to unleash some lame Cali-focused “It’s so dry…” jokes.
California’s so dry…there are red velvet ropes around the fountains.
California’s so dry…couples shower together to save water. Seriously, really.
California’s so dry…all the gyms replaced spinning with pumping and Zumba with Rain Dancing.
California’s so dry…the rain barrels have security guards.
California’s so dry…you’re encouraged to pee in the pool!
A sailor was ordered to clean the chains on the ship's anchor. As he pushed the broom across the anchor, a tern appeared and landed on his head. "Shoo!" shouted the sailor, angrily grabbing the bird and tossing it overboard. A few minutes later, the tern reappeared, and the sailor again threw the annoying bird overboard.
The next morning, the chief petty officer checked out the sailor's work. "What's the big idea?" said the officer. "I told you I wanted those chains spotless!"
"I'm sorry, sir," said the sailor. "I tossed a tern all night, but I couldn't sweep a link."
wagga, call me sometime. I need to tell you about the time recently when a LEO yelled, "DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!". And then he sped off. And then I said, "Whoa!" and drove off slowly.
A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.
A woman stomps into a drugstore and tells the druggist she wants some poison, poison for human beings. He tells her he can't do that, its against the law and a sin. She yells, but I have proof he is cheating on me with another woman. She pulls out a photo and sure enough, it shows her husband in bed with another woman. The druggist looks down at the picture and he sees his wife in bed with the mad woman's husband. Druggist says; "Hell, this is different, why didn't you tell me you had a prescription."
There once was a 94 year old nun back in the 1890's whose worn-out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her.
However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day. Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.
A Mistral Avions de Transport Regional ATR-72-212A on behalf of Alitalia, registration OY-YAB performing flight AZ-1821 from Pantelleria to Trapani (Italy), was enroute when air traffic control informed the crew that a nose wheel had been found on the departure runway and had been identified as belonging to their aircraft.
The crew continued to Trapani, performed a low approach to have the landing gear checked from the ground which confirmed one of the nose wheels was missing, and performed a safe landing.
Passengers were disembarked onto the runway and bussed to the terminal. The Captain and First Officer inspected the nose-gear and returned to the cockpit, requesting a tow to the gate from Ground Control.
Ground Control dispatched a tow, but not before asking the Captain what tune he was humming. It's an old Kenny Rogers song, replied the Captain - "You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose wheel".
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after takeoff, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he"ll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in "u-n-t"?"
Only one word leapt to mind... "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'Aunt.'"
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation. They decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them.
They couldn't help but stare. When she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said, "Good morning Father, good morning Father" nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned; how in the world did she recognize them as priests?
Thinking perhaps they were dressed too sedately, the next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them. Again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads). Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, "Good morning Father, good morning Father" and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
She giggled and said, "Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? - I'm Sister Kathryn."
As it is no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any single racial or ethnic group:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a Canadian, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, and an Ethiopian went to a nightclub.
"Sorry," said the bouncer, "I can't let you in without a Thai."
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.
“ An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Klu Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared. ”
I was out at Fitzroy Island recently - I keep saying you haven't lived until you spend some quality time in the water with a Green Sea Turtle and then have a fine beer in Foxy's front bar. It's the kind of place where you sit down, look around and wonder what all the poor people are doing.
Reminds me that last October I was there and Foxy's was doing a sort of October Fest. Because everything has to come by ferry (it's an island), they just do one featured beer on draft each day, rather than all at once. I missed the doppelbock of the previous day, but they had a very acceptable billygoat (ein Bock). Because that beer is around 7% abv, I nursed a single glass for the hour until the ferry arrived to take me back to the mainland. I actually don't like the term "nursed", there must be a better expression. Though I am aware that there is a wine style "liebfraumilch", which doesn't actually mean "Mothers Milk".
As I was waiting for the 5-minute warning horn for the ferry's leaving, I heard a bell. Looked over to the dock at Welcome Bay, and saw the Skipper was banging on the ship's bell. Later found out that the Ship's horn was broken.
So there I was, sitting on the bock of the day, watching the ride tolling away.
I met a Chinese girl when I was in Shanghai , I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour, and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her.
She got excited and said: "sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh"
Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!
But then, my friend interpreted it for me & told me what she really said :
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Navy and eventually became an Admiral. During his career he remained sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for a position on his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well, yes, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses."
The Admiral, impressed, thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one (expletive deleted)in' ear."*
*It is not known if the Sergeant Major got the position...
So the penguin is out on the JMT one day, and sees a guy at Tyndall Frog Ponds drinking out of a thermos, and asks hey, what's that? This? This is Thermos full of hot soup. Hot soup? How does that work? Silly, its a Thermos! Keeps my hot stuff hot and my cold stuff cold!. Couple days later, at Whitney summit s, the guy sees the penguin again, this time with his own Thermos and says hey, watcha got there? Penguin says proudly, got a new Thermos with my resup in Lone Pine! "Keeps my hot stuff hot and my cold stuff cold". That's right! says the guy. SO, whatcha got in that new Thermos? Penguin, big smile (you should see a penguin smile) says. Tomato soup! And vanilla ice cream!
Donald Trump was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.
He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to how he had supported every Native American issue that came to the news media.
Although Mr Trump was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle."
The proud Mr Trump accepted the plaque and then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the Presidential Candidate.
They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of sh*t it can no longer fly.
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He then addressed the men:
“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”
Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No sir, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on top of his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
he navigator replied, "Well to be honest with you sir, "I'll know when we're lost long before you will."
(Now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego, Marine Corps Recruit Training)
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay… practically nothing. Men got to shave but it’s not so bad… there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you ’til noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5'6"; and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.
Here is a Johnny Cash recipe for you. It dates from 1963, and has been popular since, though it was hijacked by the Highwaymen for a decade centered on 1990.
Amass:
Tongmaster Lube: Jack Daniels straight up. Not to worry, none will be wasted in the recipe. Accelerant: Any spirit rated more than 115-120 proof. Cheap Cognac works. Everclear if legal in your jurisdiction. DO NOT USE METHS! Hardware: Circular BBQ. Gas-powered Korean BBQ works very well, a Weber kettle with a mat might be OK in the hands of a Tongmaster. Chook: Boycott the supermarket, go to a reputable butcher and get fresh fryer chicken wings, not nasty old boiler wings. Snip the tips. Marinade: Your choice. JC preferred weapons-grade Carolina Reaper chili from thechillifactory.com. In any case, bag & chill in fridge overnight.
Performance:
Preheat and season the BBQ. Rice bran oil is exceptionally good here due to it's very high smoke point and unobtrusive flavour. Place & cook according to your preference. Tongmasters will rotate from the center to the periphery. 4 turns at 4-5 minutes is a good starting point. When the punters react to the aroma and collect around the altar - TURN OFF THE GAS and drizzle a few snorts of accelerant over the goodies. Ignite with a long match or a burning arrow shot from afar - whatever the inner pyro is comfortable with...
And there you have it - Johnny Cash's Burning Wing Of Fryer.
NORTH DAKOTA FARM KID in the Marines (PARRIS ISLAND MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to itch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6 and 130 pounds and he's 6'8 and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Back in the day when I lived in Southern California, a very good friend was in a diving club. Although I didn't dive, I hung out with the divers. This was during the time when recreational divers were transitioning from twin tanks to the now-ubiquitious single tank. One bloke, named Dave Harmon, insisted on the dual setup - to the point of being a bit obnoxious. So, I dubbed him "The Egyptian", shared with everybody but him. He never figured out why. And nobody told him. So if Dave happens to read this - Tutankhamun.
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant?
So, because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
It's that time of the year - the damned tax return.
Like most of us, I find it difficult to get motivated to fill out the freaking complex forms.
Sometimes you just need a ruse to get you started, and then you wonder why it was so hard.
So, I've evolved a method to trick myself make it simpler, and, frankly, less unpalatable.
And it is tricky. First I print out 2 sets of the forms - one to find out what numbers I need, and then the real set which will be mailed to the IRS/ATO.
Next trick is to find a broad-tipped yellow marker. I go through the form, marking boxen which need to be filled in, and leaving the rest empty. Twice.
This can be heartening - the number of numbers to be found is way less than the whole bloody form suggests!
So I go off and find or generate the "yellow" numbers & it all goes swimmingly from there.
In the 1980s I was working at Bourke, in far western New South Wales. On day I was enjoying a beer in the North Bourke Hotel when a rich-looking city slicker came in and asked the barman what the road to Wanaaring was like. (The road was notorious for being corrugated. Shake the lid of a swaggie's billy, a local once said.) "Well," the barman replied, "a cove travelled down there six kays recently and had to turn back it was so rough." "Yeah, but look what I'm driving," the man said, proudly pointing to his gleaming, top-of-the-line four-wheel-drive parked outside. "What was he in?" The barman replied: "A Cessna, mate".
From R. M. Williams: submitted by Ray McAllister, Dubbo, NSW
I always think of the Whitney Zone when Halloween comes around. I wonder why that is.
Two Nuns and a Mini Dracula
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car!"
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let's make sure he's dead."
There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?"
A father told each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college, "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."
And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
The lawyer is now running for Congress in your district.
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Another wagga original. Not bad
WHICH one of the WITHH?
