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#11350 - 03/05/11 07:15 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
This is old and been around for a while but still very funny and ironically so true.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating :

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft , we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car..

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call ' customer service ' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

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#11358 - 03/05/11 09:49 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man.
The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day... Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish. The game warden told him that this was illegal. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said " are you going to fish or talk?"

1:10.

_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#11364 - 03/05/11 03:22 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY
BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doc tor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

FORGET THE SHRINKS..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER

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#11370 - 03/05/11 10:20 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
It had been a quiet night at the local bar so far, but then the door was thrown open and an Interstate highway strode in. "I'm an Inter-state highway," he declared. "I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders, and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm afraid of no highway and no road." He then strode up to the bar, ordered a beer, and began drinking it, while looking around.

A short time later, a four-lane highway came in, went to the end of the bar, and ordered a beer. The Interstate looked him over and walked over to him. "I'm an interstate highway," he declared. "I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders,and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm not afraid of you."

The four-lane highway said "I agree that you're the best. I don't want any trouble with you. Let me buy you a beer", and he did. They drank their beers and discussed their engineering specifications.

After a half hour, the door opened again and a two-lane road came in, went to the other end of the bar, and ordered a beer. The Interstate looked him over and told the four-lane highway that he had to take care of the new arrival. He walked over to the two-lane road and said "I'm an Interstate highway. I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders, and a median almost my entire length.I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm not afraid of you."

The two-lane road quivered a bit and said "You're absolutely right. You are the best of the highways. I'm just a lowly two-lane road. I don't want any trouble. Can I buy beers for you and the four-lane highway?" The Interstate motioned the four-lane highway to come over, the two-lane road bought beers for each of them, and the three of them drank their beers and discussed the merits of various paving materials.

After another half hour, the door opened again and a strip of asphalt about eight feet wide came in. The Interstate highway ducked behind the bar and hid there quivering quietly. The bartender was shocked.

After serving the asphalt strip, he walked over to where the Interstate was hiding. "I watched you stand up to the four-lane highway and the two-lane road. You said you weren't afraid of any highway or road. Why are you hiding from that little asphalt strip?"

The Interstate replied quietly, "It's true that I'm not afraid of any highway or road, but he's a cycle path."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#11404 - 03/08/11 06:51 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death

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#11419 - 03/09/11 07:09 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
This is by Randall Woodman. It was published on the groaners listserv.

I just heard that the Pope had to have a new robe made out of royal purple material. It was also electrically heated so as to keep him warm during his outdoor addresses to the faithful following.

It's called the purple papal heater.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#11422 - 03/09/11 09:43 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Rod,
I have only one response to your silly joke about men, their body parts and their wisdom, and it's a short story which goes like this:

Short Story

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, WITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle
of road and dies.

Thought For the Day:

If men would just listen

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#11423 - 03/09/11 10:04 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: lynn-a-roo]
Steve C Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 7235
Loc: Fresno, CA
> If men would just listen

I wish there were a way in this forum to post Likes and Groans. Or even better, a numeric score from -10 to +10!

I'd give that one above a +8. grin

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#11436 - 03/09/11 02:38 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Steve C]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Love it lynn-a-roo.I give it a 9+.

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#11437 - 03/09/11 03:07 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
There are 3 phases of sex when you are married.
1st phase is when you first get married and have Any Room sex.That is sex in any room kitchen,bathroom any time of the day or night.

2nd phase is Bedroom sex. That is when you have have been married for a while and have sex in the bedroom on occasion.

3rd phase is Hall sex. After you have been married a long time you pass each other in thhe hall and say" "F you" "No F you"

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#11491 - 03/12/11 10:24 AM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
Guess that one was a thread killer. Here is a more PG joke.
So a guy goes into a bar and sits down. There is a bowl of peanuts in front of him.
The peanuts say to the guy. "Hey nice suit."
Then the peanuts say to him "Nice looking tie"
So the guy yells at the bartender and asks "Hey what's up with the talking peanuts?"
The bartender says "Those are complimentary peanuts."

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#11494 - 03/12/11 02:44 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
Any tea drinkers here?

Have you ever tasted Koala tea? There are only a few brands, but it is generally agreed that the Mercy brand is by far the tastiest. Even though you strain lesser varieties and brands of tea, you must never, ever, do that with a tasty Koala.

You see, the Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained.
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#11495 - 03/12/11 03:23 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
When the last Pope was being considered from the group of Cardinals it was discuused that it was time for an Italian Cardinal to be chosen. They discussed it for quite a while and decided they could not choose Cardinal Secola as Pope.
No one wanted Pope Secola.

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#11496 - 03/12/11 03:33 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for...but what's the BEER for?"

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#11501 - 03/12/11 08:32 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
saltydog Online


Registered: 02/03/11
Posts: 1550
Loc: Valley Ford CA!!!!
SO the guy goes to see his GP, who asks him how he's feeling. Fine, says the guy, considering I'm turning into a moth.
"Excuse me?" says the doc, "you're what?"
"A moth", says the guy, "turning into a moth."
"Uh, OK," says the doc, "you don't really need me, then. How about I refer you to a psychiatrist?"
"Actually, I was just on my way to see the psychiatrist, " says the guy, "but I noticed your light was on."
_________________________
Wherever you go, there you are.
SPOTMe!

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#11531 - 03/14/11 12:35 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: saltydog]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
My Grandmother started walking when she was 85 years old. She is now 87 and we have no idea where she is.

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#11533 - 03/14/11 01:02 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A sexy lady steps up to the bar and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The bartender says, "He isn't here but I can do anything the manger can do for you." By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers. She says, "You're sure he isn't here?" The bartender says, "Yes, I'm very sure." The lady says, "Well, I just wanted to tell him there's no toilet paper or soap in the women's restroom."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#11536 - 03/14/11 02:49 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
Rod Offline


Registered: 09/22/09
Posts: 660
Loc: Santa Clarita, Ca. USA
A dog walks into a bar and says "Hey my name is Bob and I am a talking dog. Ever see a talking dog before? How about a drink for the talking dog?"
The bartender answers "Sure. The toilets right back there,first door to your left"

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#11632 - 03/16/11 01:13 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: Rod]
wagga Offline


Registered: 10/07/09
Posts: 2213
Loc: Humbug Reach (Pop. 3)
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a fierce battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird crap."

"First day with the new hook."
_________________________
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII

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#11636 - 03/16/11 04:15 PM Re: Where Are the Silly Jokes? [Re: wagga]
lynn-a-roo Offline


Registered: 08/14/10
Posts: 627
Loc: OrangeCounty
Wagga & Rod, your silly jokes are all about bars and bartenders which reminds me of Irish Pubs, which reminds me of Saint Paddy's day and I figure it must be St. Patrick's Day somewhere in the world by now so let the Irish Jokes flow.....

Paddy Was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not , 'A shure I'll give it a go, he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it.
Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened, 'what do you think you are doing? asked the policeman in a sharp tone, 'Sure I'm having me tea break, replied Paddy, 'And what do you work at? asked the policeman, 'Agh shure I deliver bridges,! smiled
Paddy!

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