GRACE, Seemed sheepish as she Visited her gynecologist.
'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me.'
'This one's kind of strange...'
'Let me be the judge of that,'The doctor replied.
'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'
'I see.'
'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!'
The gynecologist put a comforting Hand on her shoulder. 'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Ready for this?) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (I'm warning you.....)~! ~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Still not too late....delete now!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You're simply going through the change!
Groannnnnnnnnnnnn THESE ARE ACTUAL ENTRIES FOR A COMPETITION IN THE WASHINGTON POST WHICH ASKED FOR A TWO-LINE POEM WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I'm dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you're not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss; But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other, ---that is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet & so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty...and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace: But don't take the paper bag off of your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes. Damn, I'm good at telling lies.
9. My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe, "Go to hell".
10.What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.
There is a monastery near Aspen, Colorado, called Snowmass. All the monks have taken a vow of silence. They rarely speak. Each day begins with morning worship. The service starts when the head abbot comes in and chants, "Good morning."
The monks chant in reply, "Good morning."
They say not another word until evening vespers, when the head abbot comes in and chants, "Good evening."
The monks all reply in unison, "Good evening." Not another word is spoken until the next morning.
Several years ago one of the monks decided he had to break up the boredom of this routine. The next morning when the head abbot chanted, "Good morning," all the other monks responded, "Good morning", except the one bored monk who, hiding his identity from the other monks, chanted, "Good evening."
Quickly, the head abbot sang in reply: "Some-one chanted evening. He must be a stranger."
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.
He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off so she called the security company that installed it.
The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "OK dad, I missed the signal yesterday but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the damn thing off so I don't have to call the security company again."
The alarm fell silent.
She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news.
His response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"
PS:
I've told this joke around the campfire a time or two. Whilst looking for a copy to cut & paste instead of typing it in, I stumbled across this Saint Google "Cooking's Done" video: Well, half of us should enjoy it.
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk said, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.
"The word is 'celebrate,' not 'celibate'!" sobbed the head monk.
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
Well, just like I was a day early posting Halloween stories, today I'm going to be a day late posting a silly Easter joke, but it really doesn't matter because like jolly ol' Santa Claus, there really is an Easter Bunny and he's alive and well somewhere today and as happy as ever.
THEEASTERBUNNYSAGA......
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is theEaster Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves,
hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
For wagga There once was a butterfly who fell in love with a bumblebee. Said the bumblebee to the butterfly, "Will thou marry me?" "Nay Nay", said the butterfly. "For I am the daughter of a monarch and you are just a son of a bee."
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
Seeing as this Friday, April 29th, 2011 is the final launch of the space shuttle Endeavour, this Silly Joke seems very fitting. I only hope someone on the moon is listening.
Subject: Navajo message
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously, but he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: "Watch out for these assholes. They've come to steal your land."
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of New Mexico when her car broke down. A Native American on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Native American would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman said.
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known of course as "Sinko de Mayo."
When Kate became a Princess (and a Duchess, too!) much of the world latched onto her younger sister's amazing bridesmaid behind. Sites such as "Pippa's Amazing Arse" were founded, twitters were tweet and the mainstream media fell all over themselves with pictures and dreadful, awful buttocks puns. It reminded me of the classically sad movie "Slang The Bum, Drolly".
Edit: I did receive a PM requiring evidence.
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
Hel-lo, hold on! Just what is that in her back pocket? Ha'penny, I think, yes, with the calm sea reverse . . . but can it, could it possibly be? Why yes, yes, it is indeed, its a 1957 calm sea ha'penny!! I too, am shocked beyond words!! Who is that woman, someone should tell her!! She could be rich!!
Saltydog, I had to do a search on ha-penny, I had no idea what it was. I have to tell you, I don't get what you're saying about a ha-penny and Pippa, you've got me stumped. Since the subject is British, I thought I'd carry on with some more British humor - here's your laugh for the day:
You have to love British humour! These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little SOB. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
A friend of mine had been at a truck stop getting some lunch. The food was good, prices reasonable, and the service fairly good. After finishing his meal, he and his companion were drinking coffee and talking, and noticed their waitress talking to one of the customers at the lunch counter. He wanted a refill and wasn't able to catch her eye, but did notice that the customer seemed to be a friend of hers.
Just as he was about to get up and ask for a cup he noticed her laughing at something her friend said. Then she reached into the pocket of her uniform, pulled out her pack of cigarettes, and gave one to her friend.
Well, Steve says he never had a chance to stand up, let alone ask for another cup of coffee, for just then two highway patrolmen seated on the other side of him flew to their feet, knocking over their chairs, and just about knocked him down getting to the waitress. As one was cuffing her, the other was reading her her rights. The poor girl was flabbergasted, but was finally able to ask what the matter was. The one who had read her her rights cited some portion of the penal code by number, but she just looked even more confused. The other patrolman, perhaps feeling a little friendlier, turned to her and said, "Ma'am, you're being charged . . . with contributing to the malignancy of a diner."
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
