It's True. We Doctors Have Been Giving Republican Congressmen False Information As A Joke
by Jon Bershad | 11:57 am, August 20th, 2012
The following is a transcript of comments made to me this morning by Dr. Leon Jensen when asked about his connection to Rep. Todd Akin:
Ok, ok, ok! You got us!…one minute. I'm sorry. I just can't stop…laughing. Oh, God, seriously, my stomach hurts so damn bad…Can someone get me a water or something? … Ok, just let me catch my breath … Alright. Here we are. Ok, I'm good.
But, yes, it's true. We doctors have been giving Republican Congressmen false information as a joke. We've been doing it for years and it's been hilarious.
I knew we'd gone too far with that Akin guy. It's just, you've got to keep heightening the joke, y'know? See what you can get away with.
So when Akin comes in to the hospital lounge and he's all, "I need a reason to make rape abortions illegal," my buddy Kurt (he's an oncologist) looks at me and he goes, "Dude, I can totally make this guy think ladies have duck vaginas." And I'm like, "Kurt, don't do it!" But you guys know Kurt! And Akin totally bought it hook line and sinker! That guy is on the Science Committee or whatever and he thinks human ladies have special duck vaginas!
It's not just us though! We didn't even do it first! Scientists have been lying to Republicans as a prank for even longer!
It all started like a decade ago or something when this Republican kept going up to all these scientists and being like, "At least one of you has to think that Global Warming isn't manmade!" And all the scientists kept having to say, "No, dude! We've all done tests!" But this guy just kept coming back (usually with his like oil company friends who, let me tell you, are just the worst) so, eventually, one of the scientists just goes, "You know what, I don't believe in Global Warming. It's inconclusive and stuff."
And that was going to be it, y'know? It was just going to be that one guy. But then Republicans started going on TV and saying really mean stuff about scientists for no reason and so all the friends of the first scientist were like, "Screw it. I want to lie to them too." And then my doctor friends and I joined in and, well, it has been one of the funniest things I've ever been a part of.
I know it's mean but these guys are just sooooooo gullible!
It's a total bummer that Akin guy blew our cover now because we had so much ridiculous stuff coming up! My friend, Kayla totally got this one Republican to start drafting a nationwide Cootie Shot Initiative. I know about that one because I was the one who actually told the lie (these Republicans still don't believe in lady doctors) and it was so hard to keep a straight face. Hilarious!
But that's nothing compared to what the scientists are doing! Oh, man! I know about this group of scientists, they were all having a science party, when these Republican Senators came in looking for science-y reasons to make video games illegal. The scientists were all watching the Jean-Claude Van Damme movie Timecop and they were a little drunk so they start telling the Republicans that it wasn't a movie and that their TV was actually a portal into the future. I don't want to give those guys away but just know that when a giant billion dollar Republican plan to prevent time-travelling terrorism is revealed, it's totally our fault.
God, that was funny. Whew. Thanks for the water. I've got to go anyway, I'm supposed to go on cable news in an hour.
Oh, crap! I hope they don't read this column and cancel my appearance! I've been lying to those guys for a decade!
